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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD spending a while totally alone

129 replies

Abeelikenoother · 27/05/2024 12:09

Hi all, DD is 18, she’s in sixth form and is taking a gap year next year.
Her plans for gap year so far are

  • Backpacking Italy with a friend in the summer
  • New York/US East Coast with her dad for 4 weeks in Sept/Early Oct
  • South Africa - Australia - New Zealand Jan/Feb
  • Europe (Greek Island Hoping/Spain/City sightseeing March-August with breaks at home and holidays with friends (she has a Swedish passport from her dad so no concerns about visa)

Now for mid Oct - mid December she wants to find a little rural cottage on AirBnB and just be by herself for a while. She tells me she will spend time trying new recipes and cooking, reading, writing, learning a new skill, going on walks, yoga, meditation etc.
She has a car so wouldn’t be totally isolated.
Now I’m worried this isn’t a great idea, She wants to do somewhere really rural unsure on if she wants UK or not.
My concern is she quite a sociable person and I think two months totally alone could be very very bad for her mental health. I think she thinks it will be peaceful but I worry it will be lonely.
We live in North Yorkshire so I’ve suggested if she does do it, it may be best to stay within an hour or 2 so she can come home for a weekend or similar.

AIBU to think this is a bad idea? What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 27/05/2024 12:11

Sounds a wonderful idea.

She'll have a car so if she gets lonely she can get out and meet people.

I'm not sure I see the problem. Do you think that she needs to live with someone at all times?

CleanShirt · 27/05/2024 12:12

I see no problem. She's an adult.

Chaney · 27/05/2024 12:13

Sounds delightful.

Though, how is she financing it and will she struggle to find a let for an 18 year old?

Original poster
Abeelikenoother · 27/05/2024 12:15

Chaney · 27/05/2024 12:13

Sounds delightful.

Though, how is she financing it and will she struggle to find a let for an 18 year old?

She has inheritance/trust fund of sorts.
We have obviously kept some back for future housing and uni costs but she has some just to spend.
AirBnB accepts bookings from 18 so I’m sure that will be fine.

OP posts:
JurassicFantastic · 27/05/2024 12:15

How on earth is she funding all this?

If its her money, it's her choice.

Panpastels · 27/05/2024 12:16

If she gets lonely she can do something about it at that point? She sounds like someone who knows her own mind so I would let her get on with it.

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/05/2024 12:16

Sounds great to me.

SnugglyJumpersMakeItBetter · 27/05/2024 12:18

She could rent a mini camper instead? Then if she gets lonely in a rural spot, or bored, she can move on.

SnugglyJumpersMakeItBetter · 27/05/2024 12:18

Oh, actually, scratch that, you have to be 25 to rent a vehicle don't you?

PoochiesPinkEars · 27/05/2024 12:19

No, not a bad idea, let her do it exactly as she pictures, don't discourage or make her doubt herself or you will rob her of this and her idea is incredibly romantic and lovely, and could be a really special time.

It's an excellent experience!
If she hates it she doesn't need to do it again, but actually whether she loves it, hates it, or some of both depending... She will certainly learn something about herself which maybe you can see with your life experience, but she doesn't necessarily know herself through her own lived experience.

I am completely a people person, but at 18 I went off round the world solo, it was ace.

I had solo times some of those were lonely some were not. They were all valuable.
And even if she learns she likes having people close by, knowing you are ok alone is a really really really useful piece of knowledge... Helps you not take refuge in the company of people you would otherwise confidentially walk away from without hesitation.

OneTC · 27/05/2024 12:20

It's a choice not a mandatory hermitage. If she doesn't like it I'm sure she's capable of taking steps

ThingsWillOnlyGetBetter · 27/05/2024 12:21

Sounds bloody heavenly and I am jealous she’s able to do this!

Tallisker · 27/05/2024 12:22

Oh a rural cottage on one's own at 18 sounds my absolute dream of bliss. Unfortunately it took me until I was 19 to achieve but I adored it. And I got a cat 😻

MikeRafone · 27/05/2024 12:24

Its a wonderful experience and if she needs to talk to someone - she can telephone or FaceTime

RobertaFirmino · 27/05/2024 12:27

Good for her! Being happy with your own company is hugely important.

yellowsmileyface · 27/05/2024 12:32

Sounds like a dream to me!

Does she have any relevant history of mental health issues for you to be concerned that this will be "very very bad" for her mental health?

On the face of it, a little loneliness won't do any harm. It's literally for two months, which is no time at all.

Throwingpots · 27/05/2024 12:35

Really can't see any issues with this. Its not like she moving somewhere permanently. Id have loved to do this at her age, couldn't have afforded it though😁

PearlKoala · 27/05/2024 12:37

She won't be trapped there. If she finds she doesn't like it she can leave.

Momstermunch · 27/05/2024 12:40

Your daughter is incredibly lucky and has an amazing year planned. It's like you're actively looking for something to worry about.

The worst that will happen is surely that she leaves early and is wastes a bit of money.

This should barely register as a worry for you honestly.

Dialemma1 · 27/05/2024 12:56

I think you're right actually OP. but don't persuade her against it, just makes sure you keep in very regular contact with her (phonecall every other day maybe).

I am normally a very bubbly happy person and had to spend three months alone rurally for work, it gave me full cabin fever but I didn't notice it happening at the time.

At the least, have you got a dog she could borrow?

Inspireme2 · 27/05/2024 12:56

Your daughter will have internet access for video calls and phone calls?
Two months is not very long at all.
If she did struggle I am sure she would make contact with friends & family or change plans.

FatAndFiftySomething · 27/05/2024 13:21

Sounds heavenly. You say she has money so if she doesn’t like it she can just leave and not have to worry about the waste. How do you know you love/hate living alone unless you try? I love it. Many people love working from home but I (very unexpectedly) hated it.

In life, it’s good to try out any random things that come your way, and it’s absolutely fine to think ‘that was shit, I’m not doing that again’.

Forgotten22 · 27/05/2024 13:24

I think you need to give her more credit! She sounds like a wonderful independent young woman. 2 months on her own sounds like a great experience. And I'm sure if she actually ends up hates it she'll change it up! I really wouldn't deter her from doing this. You can keep in contact with her frequently during those months (for your own sake, not hers)

WaltzingWaters · 27/05/2024 13:30

Sounds a lovely idea, not for as long but I spent a couple weeks doing this in Bali and absolutely loved it. Just did lots of yoga, reading, cooking alone, I’d have happily carried on for longer if I didn’t have plans.

alfagirl73 · 27/05/2024 13:31

Alone isn't the same as lonely. There is so much "noise" in the world today, taking time out to be with your own company and thoughts can be a very positive thing. Her plans - reading, writing, walking etc... are all ideal for this period of time - it's not lonely time, it's calm time where she can hear herself think. She has a car and means to contact people if she needs to or finds it is becoming lonely.