DD spending a while totally alone

[Abeelikenoother]

Hi all, DD is 18, she’s in sixth form and is taking a gap year next year.
Her plans for gap year so far are

• Backpacking Italy with a friend in the summer
• New York/US East Coast with her dad for 4 weeks in Sept/Early Oct
• South Africa - Australia - New Zealand Jan/Feb
• Europe (Greek Island Hoping/Spain/City sightseeing March-August with breaks at home and holidays with friends (she has a Swedish passport from her dad so no concerns about visa)

Now for mid Oct - mid December she wants to find a little rural cottage on AirBnB and just be by herself for a while. She tells me she will spend time trying new recipes and cooking, reading, writing, learning a new skill, going on walks, yoga, meditation etc.
She has a car so wouldn’t be totally isolated.
Now I’m worried this isn’t a great idea, She wants to do somewhere really rural unsure on if she wants UK or not.
My concern is she quite a sociable person and I think two months totally alone could be very very bad for her mental health. I think she thinks it will be peaceful but I worry it will be lonely.
We live in North Yorkshire so I’ve suggested if she does do it, it may be best to stay within an hour or 2 so she can come home for a weekend or similar.

AIBU to think this is a bad idea? What are your thoughts?

I am jealous of your dds plans! If she's quite sociable she'll probably make friends with people locally or speak to her friends online. I don't think this is a bad idea at all!

Interesting responses.

DD would love to work in Journalism or eventually be an author so I think she hoped some time with herself will inspire creativity and let her work away. She also has a whole stack of recipes she wants to try and loves yoga.
She isn’t a normal 18 year old by any means. For the last 3/4 years she’s been waking up going to her sports training, studying in the library, making her own very healthy breakfast then doing more study in the evening cooking 2/3 times a week, more sports.
She has 2 good friends and has been to parties and did have a boyfriend but they were always more into lunch then studying or watching a film, or lately a boozy brunch.
Shes mature beyond her years which I sometimes think is a bad thing, but a messy divorce, me being ill, loss of grandparents and two younger half siblings with disabilities has definitely forced her to grow up, I know that’s not a good thing and feel awful for it.
She thinks a summer of fun (off around Italy with a hot boy!) then some time with just her dad in America will be exhausting after 2 years of a-levels and GCSEs before that. So an autumn learning to be in her own company, and with no pressure to do anything for anyone other than herself will be refreshing.

I’m nervous it could make her lonely or even depressed. She’s so young at the end of the day and it’s definitely not something I’d imagine most teenagers wanting to do.

I don’t see it as a waste of money at all, she has close to 1mil from carefully invested inheritance (more than I’ll ever have) from her dads side, so financially I don’t think she will ever struggle. She’s already decided that if she likes uni in London she will buy somewhere there for her second year.

I agree with the posters saying how time spent learning how to be content solo will be valuable in the future.

So many women on MN talk about going from one shit relationship to another, or mystified why the relationship they plunged into as a teen no longer works in their 20s, 30s+.

Peaceful solitude is a skill and a privilege for so many. Even, unthinkable as it may be to some here, to a very young woman, too.

She's right, her other time is very full on. A quiet month will be great. As long as she has phone signal, there's nothing to worry about.

She can call for a visitor or go somewhere else if she wants to.

@Abeelikenoother I think it's an awesome idea for her to spend a couple of months in solitude. not humans need to socialise all the time. sounds like she is her own person which is wonderful. something to be encouraged.

safety wise you could have a daily check in and make sure she keeps cottage door locked and maybe she can install a cheap wireless camera at the entrance. but otherwise I think its fantastic.

I honestly believe that having the ability to be happy and occupied, alone, is one of the most vital skills you can teach yourself.

If your daughter is keen to do this then good on her - it will do no end of good for her resilience and self awareness.

I’m nervous it could make her lonely or even depressed. She’s so young at the end of the day and it’s definitely not something I’d imagine most teenagers wanting to do.

It would have been my absolute dream when I was your daughter’s age.

Ultimately, if she feels lonely and decides it’s not for her, she doesn’t have to stay. But she has a car she will have the freedom to do other things and see people while she’s there. She won’t have to spend every minute of her time sitting in her Airbnb on her own.

I also think that it’s kind of irrelevant whether you think it’s a bad idea anyway - it certainly shouldn’t be something that changes her mind. She’s an adult now and she needs to be able to make her own decisions, try out her own ideas and make her own mistakes.

I’m nervous it could make her lonely or even depressed. She’s so young at the end of the day and it’s definitely not something I’d imagine most teenagers wanting to do.

I think you'd be surprised, in all honesty.

But if she gets bored and lonely she can always leave. She has a car and money

I think it's a brave thing to try. If she doesn't like it she can always come home.

I would suggest trying it for 2-3 weeks at first, but it's up to her obviously.

I get you will be worried OP but she’s an adult, and by your description of your DD, a very capable one. She will have her car and so has independence. If she decides she is getting lonely she can come back whenever she wants. I’m sure she will be fine

I'm 44 and this sounds like my dream!

She's doing a great deal of travelling which will hopefully be a great experience for her. Obviously I didn't mean two months in a cottage 🙄did you not read the op.

My DD did this while travelling round Austrailia, she travelled alone, booked AirBnB's whereever she wanted, travelled accross Oz by train alone and didn't meet anyone apart from the odd chat with her landladies. She had a fantastic time and came back ready to plunge into her career. She still a very independent person 10 years late, very content in her own skin.

Sound fabulous and a good balance. What's the worst that can happen? She cuts it short and starts something else early?

I'm going to agree with you, OP. I think most of the people saying they'd love it on here are mums, frazzled beyond belief and can't imagine having one night away from it all, so the idea of two months in a cottage is idyllic. In reality, staying in one place can get lonely, see Covid for recent example, if you don't have friends, family around.

Travelling alone is rarely alone, my dd has travelled alone but so many late teens/early twenties are travelling the globe, they meet up in hostels and shared accommodation, so it's not quite the same.

Anyway, it is up to her and she may love it or find lots to do or get bored or even a little depressed. 18 is young to live on your own without family and friends around, and not at all the same as uni or travelling, but tell her your worries and then leave her to sort it out.

She’s very icky and I’m glad she’s using a small proportion to enjoy this opportunity. Sounds like she’s been thinking a lot about it.

On your question - If she has a history of mental health issues then talking to a specialist about how it might affect her and, if still advisable to go, whether there are any actions she should take as a back up or to to mitigate the negative affects of loneliness might be wise.

But if she’s a normal 18 year old who copes with most things quite well, I don’t think this is much of a risk and certainly not the biggest risk she’ll take over the year. She might well find it horrible. She might leave early. She might end up driving 10 miles every day to a place with decent reception so she can FaceTime with people. And she might love it. But she’ll find out and learn something about herself.

She shouldn’t go anywhere (during the whole year) that she can’t get out of somehow. But if she wants to challenge herself a bit she probably wants it to be difficult to come home for a weekend. I think going on at her about it being a bad idea risks becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.

When it’s somewhere really rural? Who’s she going to meet?

I live alone and it’s as great as everyone here thinks it is, but alone somewhere really rural?

Exactly what I thought. It’s quite hard to be off grid in the UK and she has a car.

actually she sounds great, independent and interested in developing life skills. Be proud!

She has a car, she has internet, she has money - it's not like she's locked in the cottage with no way of leaving for eight weeks on end, ffs.

Self-discovery is an actual thing, you know.

How is she going to figure out whether is peaceful or lonely unless she tries? Just because she appears sociable doesn’t mean she doesn’t get recharged by some solitude

Sounds like bliss to me. 😃

Sounds wonderful!