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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bf doesn't understand grief

108 replies

Starlive23 · 27/05/2024 08:25

I haven't posted in such a long time but i need some perspective.
My bf and i have been together just under 18m. Do not live together but see each other 3/4 times p/w.
Recently my stepfather of 24y passed away from quite a short but intense illness. Obviously everyone is devestated.
My bf unfortunately hasn't been as understanding as i had hoped, more or less treating it as though life would be normal.
He's a weed smoker so very often falls asleep at random times and won't text me til the next day. The week my sf died, he had basically fallen asleep almost every night, tried to call him, just for a chat i suppose to help process it all. But he wasn't answering.
Fast forward to the day of the funeral/wake and i started to feel angry about him always being asleep. Said I didn't want to but i think possibly this is a deal breaker and maybe we would be better off split. Argument ensues and he starts to say he isn't coming to the wake and not to contact him for 3 days as he needs space. Well that really hurt. I respected his wishes but felt thoroughly dreadful. Now he expects us to go back to normal. Am i overreacting?...sorry its so long, there is so much more but feel I've already written a novel here!

OP posts:
OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/05/2024 08:27

You are underreacting. He is a complete waste of space who values getting stoned more than he values you.

Toss this one back, he's a poor specimen.

Gettingannoyednow · 27/05/2024 08:29

Dump him, for God's sake. Be free of his useless self-important twattiness.

Starlive23 · 27/05/2024 08:29

You have no idea how much i needed to hear that

OP posts:
Catsmere · 27/05/2024 08:29

What @OrderOfTheKookaburra said. Useless bloody stoner who doesn't give a damn about you. You've kept him too long already, bin him now.

Ace56 · 27/05/2024 08:30

Sorry for your loss.

Even without the grief situation he sounds like a complete waste of time. Getting high and sleeping all the time? Is he 18?

BouleDeSuif · 27/05/2024 08:30

Imagine living with that for years and years.

Couldyounot · 27/05/2024 08:30

Bin him, OP. And condolences on your loss 😔

Enko · 27/05/2024 08:30

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/05/2024 08:27

You are underreacting. He is a complete waste of space who values getting stoned more than he values you.

Toss this one back, he's a poor specimen.

This

Starlive23 · 27/05/2024 08:31

Ace56 · 27/05/2024 08:30

Sorry for your loss.

Even without the grief situation he sounds like a complete waste of time. Getting high and sleeping all the time? Is he 18?

He's 31!!

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 27/05/2024 08:31

Sorry about your step dad. This really is a no brainer.

BCBird · 27/05/2024 08:32

No one understands grief. I would say though that this is secondary here. His behaviour would be the same whatever life changing event. He is not good boyfriend material. Give him.unlimoted space and urself a massive break by dumping his waste of space ass.

Catsmere · 27/05/2024 08:33

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 27/05/2024 08:31

Sorry about your step dad. This really is a no brainer.

As is the boyfriend! 😏

IndecentPropolis · 27/05/2024 08:33

Shame
you didn’t enable voting because I’m pretty sure it would be a unanimous YANBU.

As a PP said, you are under reacting here. Get rid. This manchild
will only bring you unhappiness. I’m sorry for your loss 💐

Starlive23 · 27/05/2024 08:35

Thank you for the replies. Really. He's so nonchalant and makes out that i am overreacting that I've lost my bearings on this. Needed a head wobble.

OP posts:
Daisy12Maisie · 27/05/2024 08:36

No point having a partner or bf if they can't support you when you need them. I would definitely dump him.

AnnaMagnani · 27/05/2024 08:37

No one understands grief if they aren't grieving.

However your bf is a shit and you should dump him. Being alone would be better than him!

BCBird · 27/05/2024 08:38

Sorry for your loss. Grieve in.a way that suits u not anyone else
There isn't a right or wrong way. It difficult if you cannot grieve freely as often.we are also supporting others. Be kind to yourself.

schoolie258 · 27/05/2024 08:40

Been there done that. Wasted 6 years of my life with a narcissist weed smoker who only cares about weed and getting money to buy weed. He would sleep all the time, mainly because he didn't have weed or he was too stoned to stay awake.

Get out while you can. It's not worth it. As long as he's smoking weed you will always be 4th in his list of priorities after weed, money and himself

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 27/05/2024 08:42

He’s a drug addict. Don’t waste another minute on this waster.

CheeseWisely · 27/05/2024 08:45

Honestly, it's the useless sleeping stoner element that would bother me more than him being awkward around your grief. (If someone hasn't experienced that level of grief themselves it can be hard to know how best to approach it in others).

One of those situations will improve as time moves on and you're no longer in the thick of it. The other will very likely not change at all.

Bin him off before you're back here in a year or two talking about your useless stoner boyfriend, or worse the useless stoner father of your kid.

edited to add; Sorry for your loss OP x

LightSpeeds · 27/05/2024 08:47

If you've only been together 18 months, you're probably still getting the 'best' of him. 🙄

Don't waste any more of your life on this awful waste of space.

ACynicalDad · 27/05/2024 08:48

Why would you commit your life to him. Move on and find a life partner. You’re wasting time with him.

MountCaramel · 27/05/2024 08:50

He is a selfish weed smoker, you really don't need him in your life. He brings you nothing but more stress and grief so bin him. You don't owe him anything.

Lifelong · 27/05/2024 08:52

So sorry for your loss. Of course you are reeling.
Do yourself a favour and dump that waste of space.
I despair when I read of young women with weed smoking boyfriends.
It is shorthand for selfish wastes of space that are highly unlikely to amount to much. Anecdotal evidence links weed smoking to such a lack of ambition and depressive redundancies.
Not what you want in a long term partner.
You deserve so much better and have wasted enough time on him.
Dump and grieve in peace....this is who he is, a waster.

hopscotcher · 27/05/2024 08:53

Sorry to hear about your step father, OP.
Inability to handle grief doesn't sound like the main issue with your bf though - he sounds too self absorbed to support you emotionally in any way at all. You deserve better.