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Original poster

Bf doesn't understand grief

108 replies

Starlive23 · 27/05/2024 08:25

I haven't posted in such a long time but i need some perspective.
My bf and i have been together just under 18m. Do not live together but see each other 3/4 times p/w.
Recently my stepfather of 24y passed away from quite a short but intense illness. Obviously everyone is devestated.
My bf unfortunately hasn't been as understanding as i had hoped, more or less treating it as though life would be normal.
He's a weed smoker so very often falls asleep at random times and won't text me til the next day. The week my sf died, he had basically fallen asleep almost every night, tried to call him, just for a chat i suppose to help process it all. But he wasn't answering.
Fast forward to the day of the funeral/wake and i started to feel angry about him always being asleep. Said I didn't want to but i think possibly this is a deal breaker and maybe we would be better off split. Argument ensues and he starts to say he isn't coming to the wake and not to contact him for 3 days as he needs space. Well that really hurt. I respected his wishes but felt thoroughly dreadful. Now he expects us to go back to normal. Am i overreacting?...sorry its so long, there is so much more but feel I've already written a novel here!

OP posts:
CadyEastman · 27/05/2024 10:56

*take

Didimum · 27/05/2024 10:57

He’s a grown man. Of course he understands grief. He just doesn’t care about you because he’s an arsehole.

Tagyoureit · 27/05/2024 10:58

Please dump this man-child!

He's not the one!

Sorry for your loss!

daisychain01 · 27/05/2024 10:59

Not strictly his fault as i suppose i wouldn't expect someone to miss something like that

please stop making excuses for him and get him out of your life. He's a drag on your happiness, he's selfish and lacks empathy, which is completely in character for the drug addict that he is.

you shouldn't even have to be thinking like this during the time of your bereavement Flowers

PotatoPudding · 27/05/2024 11:03

I am so sorry for your loss.

I went out with a weed smoker years ago and found that the weed always came first. If he can’t step up to the plate when you are grieving for a close family member, he won’t step up for anything else.

I think you owe it to yourself to find someone better.

IfMichaelMosleysVoiceWasWrittenasMusicalScore · 27/05/2024 11:14

he knows how to get me back on side

You know too, so if you're going to have any further interaction with him you can forestall his efforts but I agree with PP, you really don't need to have any further communication with him if you'd rather not.

Lifelong · 27/05/2024 11:23

What age are you OP?
Why would you want a druggie for a partner?
How do you imagine the future plays out in a relationship with someone who's priority in life is drugs?
Who chooses his circle of friends to be similarly consumed with drug taking?
Long term use of week is a bloody disaster for so many.
Men like this are not father material thats for sure.
You deserve better.

BeaRF75 · 27/05/2024 11:25

Many of us don't understand grief, but I think your big problem with this guy is that he's permanently stoned! How can you have a relationship with someone who is such a waste of space?

DeeCeeCherry · 27/05/2024 11:34

Doesn't understand = doesnt care. No need to wonder and analyse or look for reasons. It is what it is. & given your description of him Im amazed you're even expecting or looking to him for support.

As wrong as he is - sometimes women choose utterly useless men and then won't own their part in that mistake. Until you do the self-work and set boundaries it'll always be 'a man's fault'. I doubt he's any different than he's always been and a dullard pothead isn't worthy of all this angst, much less typing a single word about him

Condolences. Look to family and good friends for support.

Choochoo21 · 27/05/2024 11:41

I’m so sorry for your loss OP 💐

This man brings nothing to this relationship and you’d be better off single or with anyone else.

I’m shocked he’s 31!

If you can’t rely on your partner to just have a quick chat with, then what’s the point.

He doesn’t see this as a relationship.

You deserve way better than this.

crumblingschools · 27/05/2024 11:43

Sorry for your loss 💐

Come back to this thread if you feel you are being sucked back into a relationship with him. You deserve so much better

Choochoo21 · 27/05/2024 11:44

FWIW I know loads of people who smoke weed.

But none of them act like this.

This isn’t the weed, he’s just not that into you.

Zanatdy · 27/05/2024 11:48

Get rid, you deserve so much more. He will never change, who would want to date this idiot? And I’m really sorry for your loss

froggybiby · 27/05/2024 11:49

I am sorry for your loss. You deserve so much better than him. Xx Sending you big hugs.

dicokno · 27/05/2024 11:57

In the bin he goes.
I'd dump him for the weed thing alone. If it's making him fall asleep at random times of the day how does he go to work and so on and does he have any interested apart from smoking weed? It doesn't sound great.
I mean, some people can smoke weed occasionally and lead a normal life and be there for others they care about and go to work and have interests outside of work but that doesn't sound like him. Too stoned to answer the phone when his gf has lost her stepfather?

What he has shown here is that he doesn't care about you. He doesn't have to "understand" grief or have experienced himself to know that if someone has lost a close relative or friend they will be devastated and will need support.

Get rid of him OP. You can do better than that. Imagine how useless he would be if you were to start a family with him. Or if you don't want to start a family, imagine how useless he would be in any kind of difficult situation such as one of you having a serious illness or further bereavements.

gamerchick · 27/05/2024 12:01

This man will never have your back OP. Text him telling him you don't want to see him again. If you have anything precious at his, send someone to get it

This man is a waste of your time. Time is precious.

I'm sorry for you loss, be with the people who love you.

RLmadmum · 27/05/2024 12:05

Dump him, you deserve better.

I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️

Choochoo21 · 27/05/2024 12:43

MNers rarely agree on anything.

I think there are genuinely some posters who come on here just to go against the grain and say the opposite of what everyone else has said, even if they don’t feel that way.

But I always think that when all of the posters are saying the same thing, then they’re right and you should listen.

Every single poster on here agrees that this man is a waste of a space and you deserve better.

I really hope you listen to everyone’s advice on this thread, as we can’t always see what is best for ourselves.

bibop · 27/05/2024 12:49

Hi OP, I've been in a relationship with a weed smoker. The saying he'll call and then falling asleep, happened to me constantly. He never made it past 8pm and he didn't even get up early. It was a non-starter and he wasn't there for me in so many ways, with weed as the excuse.

Heavy weed smokers are emotionally unavailable. You deserve much better than this. When I look back on that relationship I was in, I shake my head at how little I accepted. I hope you'll get out sooner than I did.

Ghotcko · 27/05/2024 12:59

When my cat died my boyfriend was away on holiday and do you know how he reacted? He called me immediately despite the time difference, checked on me in the morning as he knew I wouldn't be able to sleep so video called to show me the mountains as the sun rose and throughout the day and made sure I was as OK as I could be.

Yours boyfriend is a loser and you deserve better. I'm sorry you had this to made your grief even worse

Foxblue · 27/05/2024 13:00

He doesn't not understand grief, he just doesn't care enough about you to be supportive. If he was really struggling with what to do or how to support you, he could literally google it as there's loads of resources online on how to support a bereaved partner.
A basic part of being in a relationship is wanting to be there to support the person you love when times are tough.
You deserve better. I'm so sorry for your families loss.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/05/2024 13:03

It’s not about him not understanding grief. It’s more about him just not caring. He prioritises weed over you, over everything.

Sorry for your loss op.

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 27/05/2024 13:06

Before this happened, can you write a list of the ways he put you first? Can you bullet point the times he chose you, rather than his weed or his friends who enable his weed use? Then list out the times he chose weed/his pals.

Write it all down over the last six months, say, in two columns. I bet my house one column will be significantly longer than the other. Then decide what you need to do with this relationship.

I am sorry for your loss, but a really amazing side effect of grief is that it gives you enough energy to 'clean house', so to speak.

Original poster
Starlive23 · 27/05/2024 13:17

Honestly thank you for all your replies. A few people have touched on how its been for a while and I'd say not great. I'm not sure if it was the grief talking but i woke up that day and the penny dropped. Now stuck inbtge position where i don't really want to add heartache to grief as its already a bad time but honestly, i cannot spend one minute more being an afterthought. Which is how i feel, an afterthought. He assures me he's gone above and beyond for me compared to his ex but, really, its all been a shit show. I just didn't want it to be.
Its not the smoking weed that bothers me, its the always being high, falling asleep, me having to ring to see if he is up for work... Just bullshit and now i see it, i can't unsee it

OP posts:
HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 27/05/2024 13:22

God, his poor ex! He's saying this is the best of him, this is the best you can ever expect. I'd listen to that. Do you want DCs? Imagine a world where the father of your children falls asleep in weed-stinking clothes. Where you can't leave them with him unsupervised in case he falls asleep and they get into danger. And where, on top of caring for a child, working yourself to fund his habit and getting no support, you need to phone him from the nursery run to make sure he's up for his work.