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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bf doesn't understand grief

108 replies

Starlive23 · 27/05/2024 08:25

I haven't posted in such a long time but i need some perspective.
My bf and i have been together just under 18m. Do not live together but see each other 3/4 times p/w.
Recently my stepfather of 24y passed away from quite a short but intense illness. Obviously everyone is devestated.
My bf unfortunately hasn't been as understanding as i had hoped, more or less treating it as though life would be normal.
He's a weed smoker so very often falls asleep at random times and won't text me til the next day. The week my sf died, he had basically fallen asleep almost every night, tried to call him, just for a chat i suppose to help process it all. But he wasn't answering.
Fast forward to the day of the funeral/wake and i started to feel angry about him always being asleep. Said I didn't want to but i think possibly this is a deal breaker and maybe we would be better off split. Argument ensues and he starts to say he isn't coming to the wake and not to contact him for 3 days as he needs space. Well that really hurt. I respected his wishes but felt thoroughly dreadful. Now he expects us to go back to normal. Am i overreacting?...sorry its so long, there is so much more but feel I've already written a novel here!

OP posts:

Shan5474 · 27/05/2024 13:53

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this at this time. I had a similar bf after my dad died, he was so unempathetic and just expected everything to carry on as normal, didn’t cut me extra slack and everything was about how HE felt and what HE wanted. The thing that stuck out in your posts was his timing of going on a break before the funeral/wake, and him saying he hoped you were having a great time too the week after the funeral. He can’t understand how you might be feeling right now. I stayed with my boyfriend too long because I was scared of the loss and change after having the loss and grief of my dad. But this man will make things harder for you as it will take your attention from the grief which you need to process. You need supportive friends and family around you, not a partner who has the emotional capacity of a child. In time getting rid will feel like a relief

greenpolarbear · 27/05/2024 14:02

He sounds narcissistic as well.

Even a serial killer could fake sympathy in that situation.

The fact he can't even be bothered to do that over text message? Bye.

Nicole1111 · 27/05/2024 14:14

Run as fast and as far as you can. End the relationship and cut all contact. Take some time out of dating to work on yourself. Read the books overcoming low self esteem, attached and why does he do that, spend time with your precious loved ones, let yourself process your grief and make fun plans with friends. It might not feel like it now but the exiting of this man from your life is a blessing that you will one day be very very grateful for.

JFDIYOLO · 27/05/2024 14:30

It's an addiction, an obsession, and his main relationship is with his drug. Not you.

You needed his support, understanding and care.

You got a passed-out utterly selfish waste of your time.

Weed smokers are boring, self obsessed, and they smell.

Do you have an idea how much he spends on it?

All this is a foretaste of what your future life will be ... Only very much worse, because this all gets worse.

Thing is - you have a choice. More of the same (because he won't change) ... or a chance at a better life?

Tartantunic · 27/05/2024 14:36

I couldn't be attracted to someone like. He sounds lazy, selfish, childish, inconsiderate, emotionally immature......
He'd be like a dead weight dragging you down not a supportive partner that lifts you up and who in their right mind wants to deal with that. Get rid.

Wishimaywishimight · 27/05/2024 14:39

OP, firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.

Secondly, is this really how you want to spend your life - with a man who regularly falls asleep after smoking weed, who needs days-worth of space so is unavailable to you, who cannot support you at the worst and saddest times of life?

Please don't spend another minute of your life on him.

PerfectTravelTote · 27/05/2024 14:39

He's not there when you need him. He probably never will be. You deserve so much better 💐

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/05/2024 15:02

Part of grieving for your stepfather is remembering all the wonderful things about him. Of course comparing those memories to the waste of space boyfriend would be very eye opening. And now that you see it you won't be able to I see it.

SharpWriter · 27/05/2024 15:05

Some brilliant advice here. Not much I can add other than to say, OP, you know 100% that this man (if we can call him that) will never be there for you so this is the time to cut him loose if you can find the strength. I lost my mum a couple of years ago and my partner was so supportive. Reading your story has made me feel so angry that this pathetic waste of space has treated you this way when he should be stepping up. Really hope you are OK and finding the support you need elsewhere. There is someone far better out there for you.

Riverlee · 27/05/2024 15:11

He needs space?! He should be supporting you at this time, not you having to accommodate him.

Sorry for your loss .

(and loose the bf!)

Choochoo21 · 27/05/2024 15:32

Now stuck inbtge position where i don't really want to add heartache to grief as its already a bad time but honestly, i cannot spend one minute more being an afterthought.

I do understand where you’re coming from but surely it must break your heart more, knowing you are in a relationship but your so called partner doesn’t like or respect you enough to support you at one of the toughest times in your life.

I’d rather have absolutely no one than someone who I have to beg to be in my life and even then they end up making the situation worse.

This time should just be about you grieving for your SD but instead this waste of a space is taking up your energy.

Breaking up is hard but staying in a relationship like this is even harder.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/05/2024 15:49

So sorry for you loss @Starlive23 and for the fact that you are having to deal with all this on top of it, but times of crisis do bring things to a head and you are seeing his true colours now.

He has deliberately absented himself from getting involved in one of your saddest times. He's made it all about himself and his needs, whilst simultaneously proclaiming how well he treats you.

So he's literally saying this is the best he can do. The 31 year old man you have to telephone in the mornings to make sure he's up in time for work.

You have family and friends who do care for you and you will do better without this selfish inconsiderate millstone

Hecatoncheires · 27/05/2024 15:55

@Starlive23 Bluddy hell, OP, if this is him going above and beyond for you then I would hate to see him being negligent. Please do yourself the biggest of favours and get rid of this waste of space. It's not your grief talking. Your grief is showing you the truth. When my mum died it was a huge reality check the showed me what and who were important in my life.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself. All the best to you.

Original poster

Starlive23 · 27/05/2024 16:07

Its done. Got my stuff and said bye to his cat. I feel heartbroken all over again but proud of myself. I knew if i posted this i would get the advice i needed and i have. It just all hurts so much

OP posts:

Gcsunnyside23 · 27/05/2024 16:09

Well done op. It's for the best, you can now focus on yourself and you'll soon see that he added nothing to your life. Spend that energy he was draining from you on yourself and getting through your grief. Sorry for your loss

Redshoeblueshoe · 27/05/2024 16:21

Well done. Block his number. Look after yourself

IfMichaelMosleysVoiceWasWrittenasMusicalScore · 27/05/2024 17:02

Well done @Starlive23 , I do think you've done the right thing and it's better to rip the plaster off.

JFDIYOLO · 27/05/2024 17:06

Oh well done OP!

It's a wrench, when it was your normal. You're probably picking out the good bits now and heading for regret and maybe at risk of rethinking your decision.

If so, just read back everything you've said here. And all the advice, especially from women who've been there with druggie drop outs.

He can't and won't change. You can.

Maybe time to adopt a cat for yourself.

Riverlee · 27/05/2024 17:13

Well done op. It’s already difficult when something like this happens, and you grieve the relationship you hoped it would be.

Original poster

Starlive23 · 27/05/2024 17:29

Reading this over is keeping me strong

OP posts:

FairyBatman · 27/05/2024 17:34

You are strong! You’ve had the head wobble you needed to see that the way he was treating you was unacceptable and you deserve better.

Take the time to grieve both your stepfather and your relationship and then on to better things.

NeedToChangeName · 27/05/2024 17:34

Sorry about your step dad

I think sometimes, when we're lonely and want to be in a relationship, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that any relationship is better than nothing. But, if you're with a loser, you're not giving yourself the chance to meet someone better. Brighter days ahead

Metrictum · 27/05/2024 17:39

Im so sorry for the loss of your step dad. Any decent human would understand that grief is personal and can be really hard and basically just be kind to you and be present for what you need and not make any demands. That’s a pretty basic ask from someone who is supposedly your partner.

As many have said, he sounds truly awful. Selfish, lazy, thoughtless, unkind. I haven’t got a hint of even one quality that would make him worthy of your love.

Your step dad has given you an amazing parting gift here of having the wool removed from your eyes and you can now have the space to grieve and then work on your self worth so the next man you get into a relationship with will be a million times better and totally different to this useless twat.

Tell this one bye and block him. Don’t honour him with even a moment more of conversation or negotiation- he will twist it to get the outcome that suits him as he appears to be the only one he’s bothering to look out for.

imfae · 27/05/2024 18:06

Hi Op ,
I am sorry for your loss . I agree with what everyone else has said . He didn't have your back or was there for you when you needed him .
A relationship can only work for a limited time when you are the one that is putting in all the effort and not getting much back , which it seems to be what you were doing .

It would have been easy for you in the short term to think it was better having someone rather than no one , especially when you are feeling vulnerable . So it is great that you were brave and dumped him rather than putting it off .
Now is the time to concentrate on you and your Mum and your grief and not waste any more energy on this waste of space . Look after yourself .

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 27/05/2024 18:58

You've done great. Well done. Let your grief power you.

And, if I may say so, your step dad would have been very proud of you for taking control of your life.

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