I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

[CousinBette]

…so you know, I could still be invited to the dinner parties and weekends away that I was invited to before the husband died… Instead, it’s just meeting the woman in the couple for coffee until we are all widows together in twenty years time.

AIBU?

That hasn’t been my experience. There are even sub groups which cover many scenarios. Eg: lgbt, complicated grief, suicide, with or without kids, even practical things like cooking, holidays & DIY (which can be problematic) etc etc.
It’s like any group of people. You’re not going to get on with everyone. A bit like you’re not going to vibe with everyone you work with. But I’ve found them invaluable. They just ‘get it’.

Mistress of the dark side I nodded along to everything you said.

NoPaintedPony I was going to add about WAY on my earlier post so I’m glad you mentioned it I’ve been a member since 2008 though I’ve had a few gap years, when I felt I was doing ok and didn’t need to be a member, how wrong I was, I have made so many friends through WAY, someone once said is must be really miserable meeting up with other widows, I ditched that person.
Yes there are sometimes tears but it’s a safe space to be tearful, there are always lots of laughs and lots of friendships made.
Quite a few WAY members that have married other WAY members.

Nothing to do with awkwardness. Probably the DH enjoyed the husbands company and isn't keen on being the third wheel while too women chat. It's somewhat egotistical to assume it's because he can't be trusted to control himself around a single woman rather than the more mundane reality that he might just prefer a quite night at home

Several people have commented that friendships are more gendered in the UK than abroad - can you expand on this? How are things in other countries that people have experienced?

Probably the DH enjoyed the husbands company and isn't keen on being the third wheel while too women chat.

Because women only ever talk about things in which men aren’t interested?

I’m all for a women’s chat sometimes. But when I’m with my couple friends we talk about anything and everything: our lives, people we know, politics, work - just normal conversation. A conversation between two or more women doesn’t need to exclude men because we can only talk about things no man would be interested in

The 50s called and wanted their attitudes back. The 1850s.

i think the person who said people are seeing genuine friendship rather than acquaintanceship relationships have a point.

Dhs friends are not my friends, yes at weddings and big family type events or even local events we may all bump into each other with partners and children or just partners and then have fun. I am under no illusion that if dh died they would not be rushing to my door to check I was ok. Yes I no their families and where they work and their children but I know the same about some of the school mums on the school run and they are not friends either, we wouldn’t meet up to go drinking or such. I even have some of the wives numbers, we could drink the night away at a wedding we don’t even text outside of such, they are dh’s friends wives.

My friends wouldn’t even know how to contact dh unless they rocked up at our door and the odd of that happening would be tiny and more for them checking the children if it happened right now.

My original response was due to the fact that going out with women alone without their husbands is seen as somehow subpar option.
If I ever become widdowed I would not expect women to invite me to be a third wheel. It is just odd.

It is different if you are atm meeting up with him alone.
Although his wife may not lile it and tolerates it forthe sake of four of you being friends.

But if you never do,there is probably not much real friendship and it will die off once your partner is no longer in the picture.

To me it is a sub-par option. Because the men in the couples are/were my friends too.
I've lived all my life meeting socially and having conversations with both men and women. I enjoy talking with both sexes. So why do you expect me to see suddenly losing my male friends as no issue at all?

Since women much prefer socialising and chatting just with women. Which is fine. It works for them. I'm not one of them. I've had male friends ever since I was at school, and I enjoy the variety of it being that way, and having a male perspective on my conversations since of the time.

Oh for god's sake. I am the least 18/1950s you can imagine. I have climbed the ladder in a male dominated industry and like adventure sports.

But my husband has a life and hobbies of his own too, we don't feel the need to constantly tag along with each other. And based on most of my friends it's similar, if it's a small catch up we don't bring our spouses along, why pay for a babysitter when we are each quite able to have our own lives and interests.

I'd find it weirdly stifling to have my husband follow me along to every catch up. In fact i'd say that was the sign of a really unhealthy relationship

That's not what some of us are talking about either. When we met with couple friends it wasn't a case of dragging spouses along. We met as couples and stayed friends as couples. We were all friends! Equally so!

I really don't understand why so many people don't seem to get that.

When I met with my female friends, no, we didn't drag along out partners who no-one really knew. That's entirely different.

His partner has no problem with it because we’re all bloody grownups.

And I don’t have a partner.

You are talking about a situation where your husband wouldn’t want to be there, or where you’d rather speak without him.

I am talking about a situation where all three want to be there.

I'm explaining why there are far more mundane reasons why a husband might not come along. And the assumption by some that they are so unbearably alluring might be incorrect and the spouse might just not be that fussed about coming along, or indeed quite keen not to!

Hmm, I am less sure, I know I have often "got on" with friends of my husband because they are his friends but I can't say I'd choose to spend time with them otherwise.

I do think it is astonishingly egotistical to assume you are so ravishing that the wife feels threatened and that must be behind the lack of contact rather than that the husband isn't that fussed about tagging along.

Hmm, I am less sure, I know I have often "got on" with friends of my husband because they are his friends but I can't say I'd choose to spend time with them otherwise.

But again, you're talking about "his friends". These people were OUR friends. We met them as couples meeting couples at the same time.

I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall.

Your perception and their's might have been different though . I don't go round telling DH friends that I tolerate their company for his sake ...

It's far more likely that lack of interest is the explanation , but I realise that's less of an ego massage than thinking you are seen as a sexual threat

Why though? I’m married and have no interest in being friends with other peoples husbands- I much prefer to go out with my friends alone.

Well thanks for that 🙄

And nowhere have I said that I think I'm a sexual threat. I'm not the OP. And I'm in my late 60s!

If you like having male friends so much, maybe you should make an effort to become actual friend with a man.
Not befriend one of your female friends partners, but go out and make male friends on your own.
If you had male friends on your own you would probably not crave attention of your friends partners so much.

I am really sorry for your loss. I really think the issue is the husbands making a move and wife’s lack of trust for their husband and not you! Try see it like that .. even though from where you are standing it’s a lonely place.

If you like having male friends so much, maybe you should make an effort to become actual friend with a man
Not befriend one of your female friends partners, but go out and make male friends on your own.
If you had male friends on your own you would probably not crave attention of your friends partners so much

Yes, I dont get this either. I have 3 very close male friends, we met at college/work and get on splendidly. I made those friendships myself, I didnt wait until I could befriend my female friends and just hope that one of their husbands would fill the role of "male friend" for me. If you want male friends, why not go out and find some?

It's entirely possible to have my own male friends from work or whatever,and also be friends with the husbands of my female friends.

Thank you all so much for the lovely comments and sending love and solidarity ❤️

I'm currently moving out of the house we lived in - it is a large rented property and I got my Section 21 in February as the landlord wants to sell. My business folded just before Christmas so my finances are up the creek and it's been a long fraught saga getting a one bed flat I can move into.

I'm on grace and favour with the agents who can't really sell it till it's empty - it's shabby and I suspect will be redeveloped.

Today was skip day. I have a 12 footer on the parking bay outside which my son and some muscly friends have filled with the accumulated detritus of 11 years of stuff. DP was creative and could acquire things that took his fancy "for 'ron". We also had people living with us and stuff from my demised business which we downsized and re-opened just one month before DP died. It's been horrendous on a logistical front for a multititude of "you couldn't make this shit up" reasons.

My DP had a favourite chair. Until recently it sat, well worn on his side of the bed. He would flop on it, scrolling his phone, watching TV, and we'd just chew the fat or sit in companionable silence. It sat there until a few months ago, his old ratty dressing gown on the back. My year old cat liked it. And then started using it as a scratching post. Then he peed on it. The worn faux leather meant it seeped into the upholstery. Eventually it went to join the worn out appliances and things not worth recycling in the garden.

Today I watched my son take a sledgehammer to it to fit it into the skip. I'd been muscling through quite well, despite the chaos up to then. But that - that broke me. I had an absolutely phenomenal crying jag. Fortunately my closest friend was there to hug me until I could pull my self together again. She said later she was amazed it had taken that long.

I am leaving the house where my Mum died during lockdown, where my beloved collapsed and never returned, where I have been temporarily housing my Dad for the last five weeks for extremely complicated reasons, where we had parties, dinners, all the fun times.

It feels weird and hollow as most things have gone piecemeal to storage or my new flat. I've got rid of so much, but some things I can't bear to. Not yet.

One chair. One chair and the feeling of evisceration came back full force.

Now I'm going to order noodles and curl up for a couple of hours with my cat and try and switch off for a bit.

But I do want to say thank you again - this thread may have started for one particular reason but I think it has been a bit of a cathartic opportunity for me anyway.

And on we go - survival out of spite eh?

Much love to everyone struggling with difficult situations of any relatable stripe.

WTF? This thread is mad.

The widowed on this thread, you have my sympathies. Nothing wrong with your feelings at all.