I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

[CousinBette]

…so you know, I could still be invited to the dinner parties and weekends away that I was invited to before the husband died… Instead, it’s just meeting the woman in the couple for coffee until we are all widows together in twenty years time.

AIBU?

I utterly agree! When my husband died the invitations dried up and a neighbour told me it was because I was the competition!
Friends I had known for more than 35 years told me they would be coming to see me. I’m still waiting 12 years later!
I want to shout from the rooftop that I don’t want anyone’s second hand husband, nor do I want their slimy partners trying to stick their hand up my skirt. I’M NOT INTERESTED!!!

I'm a .middle aged lesbian and I definitely don't want your husband. Except for spider season, then I long for a bit of heteronormativity.

This happened to me. Slightly different circumstances but in younger days had a friend who found herself a fella. I was then the odd one out and ruined the numbers at dinner parties so they stopped inviting me. Funny enough, a year or so later I’d moved in with my partner (now DH), ex-friends found out, rang me at work, couldn’t understand why I didn’t want him to meet my friends. Cheeky fuckers. Still bugs me 20 years later

I've been single for over a decade. I only ever socialise with my friends without their husbands. It's good. We have fun, drinks, weekends away. But sometimes it would be nice to be included in the couples dinner parties. I'm not after your husband but it'd be nice to have male conversation.

For lots of reasons I haven't dated, so I have no social interaction with men at all, apart from at work. I'm not looking for a date, snog or shag I'd just like some mixed socialising. That's all. You can keep your husband.

@SloaneStreetVandal you're right on both counts, wouldn't be interested in that sleazy type at all but it's worrying how common it is. It's REALLY common! It's so weird too, plenty of anonymous single women out there they could flirt with but they choose to come on to their wives friends who could tell them. Think someone becoming newly divorced sets of a radar in these grim men.

And yes the wives are to be pitied but still a loss, some good friends have gone by the wayside and it's all due to men. I have never given any indication I'm a man stealer, I don't flirt, infact I go out of my way to not engage much

LOL! 😆 Best post on here!

What?

Firstly my sincere condolences. Losing a partner at any age is heartbreaking, but at a younger age even more so. Xx

Is it because of the third wheel effect, like there is a spare bloke with no-one to talk to?

I'm not saying it's okay or kind, but I'm sure it's nothing to do with possessiveness about the husband.

My husband used to shy away from meeting up with my single female friends because he had no meaningful contribution to the convo, and that meant I would clam up. We'd all end up in awkward silence.

That might be us though. Admittedly we are massive introverts.

That used to be a wedding ring.

Harder when widowed and people know you are.

Why? If people can't cope with a groups of 7 instead of eight or can't cope with four men and three woman then they are being very silly.

🤣😅😂

I did not misunderstood.

Couples friendships start with two people being friends or clicking. And they bring partners.
Even if all four of you met at the same time, let's say school run, it would still be two people who initiated the dynamic.
So unless OP was friends with that wifes husband as initial friendhip, there is no reason for two of them to hang out later, they were always add ons.

Tbh I cannot imagine anything more bizarre than complaining to my friend why I am not invited to their dates. Because husband and wife going out is exactly that.

On another note, why blame wife?
It is most likely huband who cannot be bothered to listen to his wifes firend as she is boring, annoying or simply too fucking needy as seen from OPs post.

Same, it's exhausting!

This happened to my Mum when my Dad died. She was 53, he was 58. Suddenly she was only allowed to be seen in public with females.

Fast forward 15 years and the new widowers seem to think she's desperate!

My Mum said, 'I don't want to be with anyone- they'd expect me to wash their pants and to tell me how to spend my money!'

She's in her 80s now, has always been brilliant at living her life and is the youngest pensioner I know!

I was Widowed at 29 and the changes happened almost instantly! I wasn't invited to a good friend of ours wedding. Guess I'd have messed up the couples table plan 😬

Two by two into the ark!

Assuming the difference is that OP previously socialised as couples. If there's always been a dynamic that the wives hung out a bit separately from the husbands (eg if the wives were the original friend group, assuming a group of only straight couples), then not so strange to only meet the wives when DH isn't around, but it would be upsetting to not get an invite to meetups with the whole mixed group that you previously went to! In general I find socialising weirdly gendered in the UK

It's not burdensome so much as it's just not conducive to an occasion such as a dinner party.

And there we have it, folks. We widows spoil our friends' dinner parties.

Seriously, do people still have dinner parties? I've actually never hosted a dinner party in my life, yet my husband and I had couple friends all our married life. How come other people only see their couple friends at dinner parties?

its the same if your late 20/30's as people become couples/marry as the single one you become disregarded, why?

Opposite experience for me which is unusual. I belong to some fellowships and know many people. When my late husband passed unexpectedly a few people around me started making noises about me still being young enough and I will probably meet someone else.

Trying to get through to their skulls that I was not interested, now, in future or at anytime, with a few seemed to go over their heads. My 2nd husband was and is my soul mate , best friend, the dad he didn't have to be to our 4 and grandpa to 5,

No one can or will replace him. For me it would be cheating which makes me feel sick. I finally found a few answers to shut people up. My stock one is ''So you have lost your mom haven't you?'' (or whichever person it is - ''so tell me when are you going out to get a new mom?'' 😏

Works every time: they look on shocked and mortified and I walk off with a smirk saying ''I rest my case'' Along time since anyone has said it as it was 6 years ago I lost my husband, however the shut them up line is their ready and waiting.

Sharing cos you can get it in other ways, too. I totally agree with you mind. I would have a sharp retort ready for that too

You sure OP? What about if I sweeten the deal for you and offer my MIL too?

joking of course

On a serious note, I’m sorry for your loss! DM (not middle aged, 70 but a ‘young’ 70 ) found exactly the same, invites dried up and she felt very much shunned. I wonder if it’s more a reflection on how awkward and as a result cruel people can be following a bereavement. Death makes people feel uncomfortable so as a result a lot of bereaved people find themselves getting the cold shoulder

Deceased! You’ve won the internet today

Maybe they’re worried you’ll feel like they’re rubbing your nose in the fact they’re all couples

The issue is the lens. It doesn't matter how vulnerable the widow or divorcee etc is, it is a human behaviour. Mate guarding

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mate_guarding_in_humans

I just grabbed the first hit. But it is a thing. Opportunitues are shut down.

And another thing I have observed is a bit of a sneer at 'women's chat' , see it as beneath them. The irony with that is in reality my bloke mates love the more candid chats they have with good female.friends but, it seems some topics are siloed by gender. So two women one man, chat likely to be about relationships and troubles, I'll leave you to it and go out on my bike kinda vibe rather that a supper for 3.

I divorced. Other than my oldest school friends, I can count only 2 couples that stayed in touch as normal. bearing in mind we were part of a huge, happy social group, prior. But I am genuinely friends with both those men, and their marriages are particularly solid.

Being widowed is even harder, especially if you have children And there is no one to share the responsibility.