I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

[CousinBette]

…so you know, I could still be invited to the dinner parties and weekends away that I was invited to before the husband died… Instead, it’s just meeting the woman in the couple for coffee until we are all widows together in twenty years time.

AIBU?

It's not burdensome so much as it's just not conducive to an occasion such as a dinner party.
As PP's have said, weddings, parties, even holidays it wouldn't matter - a mix of couples and singles works fine, makes it better even.
More 'intimate' occasions such as a couples dinner party, or a couples meal out, is different.

I prefer going out for a meal with just my husband. Couples dinner parties are a bit of a chore for me, because they tend to be with colleagues and acquaintances more than with close friends (personally I wouldn't want to go to that sort of occasion without my husband).

With 'actual' friends get togethers tend to happen more organically. Maybe that's why newly single people can feel excluded, get togethers often happen when one partner is collecting the other or such like, or collecting the kids, and someone suggests getting together at the weekend.

I think couple friendship are not real. If a couple separate or someone one loses spouse, the friendship fades away. I think couple friendships are just about socialising with other couples.

In the past, I would have said this was ridiculous. But having seen the number of threads on MN in which women say there's nothing immoral or unethical about going after a married man, I'm not so sure. There was a thread the other day where a woman had given her phone number to a man in front of the woman she knew to be his wife - and people were actually saying she did nothing wrong, no one has to respect anyone else's marriage.

But that assumes you were only friends with them as a couple rather than as individuals. Do you really want your friends to see you like that rather than Joan who you enjoy girly chats with and John whose view on politics you enjoy debating (or vice versa) plus enjoying the shared interest that brought you together in the first place?

Once time passes you realise that they're no loss, of course, but at the time, you've just lost your DH, then you lose your whole support network and any social life as well.

I think one of the things that hurt most was that DH really thought those people would be there for me. We'd been friends as a group for decades.

More 'intimate' occasions such as a couples dinner party, or a couples meal out, is different.

Why do these need to be “couples” events, unless you’re all planning on chucking your car keys in a bowl after the meal has finished?

Most of my couple friendships came about because I was friends with the wives and then when we included husbands in some evenings the men became friends too, but the women still disappeared once I was widowed.

The one married woman who still invites me to these things is very secure in her own relationship. She likes even numbers, but she'll invite a good mix of married and single people, young and old and not always equal men and women, not an attempt to pair us up but to build an interesting crowd. It's lovely

As I've said, they're not my bag either. Then again, I'm not the one complaining about not being invited to such occasions - I'd gladly never be invited to another dinner party in my life 😂

yes, a lot of truth in that.

I don't think people are complaining about not being invited to dinner parties so much as the way you lose your husband and you lose your entire social network. If you don't fit the box anymore, there's no attempt to find a way you can still be included or even keep in touch or check in once in a while.

I agree with others that it's more about the husbands making a move. So many are SO brazen, when you could easily tell the wife what he's doing. They don't seem to care!
So the wife sacrifices the friendship. For a sleazy pig
Had it happen a lot as did my mum

A few years ago, the husband of one of my (middle-aged) friends left her for another woman. She was devastated by the breakdown of her marriage and hated being single.

Once things had calmed down and she was looking for another husband, she admitted that she would pursue a married man if she wanted him. She argued that there are not enough single men of her age and if being married meant taking someone else's husband, that's what she would do.

I think such honesty about her intentions is unusual, but I believe the belief behind them is fairly common.

She is now married to the ex-husband of one of our mutual friends.

I'm not saying OP can't be trusted around her friends' husbands, but I am saying that it's sometimes not unreasonable to be wary. There men who are not looking for another woman, but might take what's offered on a plate.

I think it's naive to think otherwise.

You were 'Bob and Anne' before but now you're just 'Anne', you get dropped not only from the couples friendship group but from the women's friendship group.

So their wives DID know, if they've sacrificed your friendship over it - which surely means these women are more to be pitied as viewed as any sort of loss???

The men (and women) who are chancers tend to be, almost in their entirety, the type you wouldn't take in a lucky dip 😂 There's certainly a beggars can't be choosers dynamic in many relationships... and yes I'd also find it incredibly insulting if such a man (never mind several) thought I'd be flattered to play second fiddle to their nasty wives!

Oh gosh, consider it a blessing not to go to tedious dinner parties and have to make conversations with everyone's nice but boring husbands.

I adore my friends completely but their husbands?- not so much. They arent awful or horrible people or anything like that, but I just dont know them that well and we are very different. FAR prefer meeting up with my friends on our own- after all they are my friends, their husbands are not. What can you really discuss at a dinner party anyway?- it's just superficial niceties- really surface level shit. Equally, I love my husband but I dont want him tagging along with me every damn time I meet up with my friends.

I had the same thought! I was aghast at that thread- loads of people saying its perfectly fine to give a married man your number, its up to him and if he wants to meet up why not and they dont blame the woman for trying it on with him. I was like WTAF?!

It's not the loss of the dinner parties though, it's the fact that when you don't fit that group, you don't see the or hear from the people you'd thought were friends, often for decades, at all, just at a time when you really need your friends.

In time, most of us have built new lives and friendships, but at that point, realising I'd lost my friends as well as my DH was hard to bear.

Fwiw, DH and I and our friends never did dinner parties, we did bike rides and pub lunches, BBQs, nights out to see a band, but the same applies, both halves of the couples have disappeared, both jointly and separately.

People have got far too hung up on the dinner party.

I have this too, which is why I live in a big city where going to the cinema alone, eating out alone doesn’t get curious ‘sideways’ stares. I once had a friend who said to me ‘single friends are always looking at my husband’ she obviously forgot I was single! Finally there are Facebook groups for single women so please find and sign up!

Widowed in my 40’s with 2 kids.
I don’t want ur husband.
I don’t want u to set me up with ur single friends.
I don’t want u to ‘fix’ me

But please don’t compare what I’ve gone through to:
Divorce
Being a golf/football etc widow
Ur husband working away

And if u can’t understand why I’m not ‘over it yet’ be grateful.

I'm widowed and I don't want your husband or partner.
However it would be nice to meet an unattached guy in a similar position to me, preferably under 65 😎

Any one who thinks single women are making this up - are sticking their heads in the sand.
Kids school stuff and parent groups are the worst - so many events, coffee mornings etc i was excluded from and one young widow - we both talked about it.
Move on 10 yrs - she and I are good friends, our eldest DCS are now 17/18 and the recently divorcing, soon to be divorced, marriages in trouble wives who now contact us is ridiculous. They comment on how hard it is, how lonely as they are no longer invited to stuff etc etc - they forget they were part of that group who did exactly that to widow and I.

When I finally ventured on to a few dating sites - I saw at least 4 husbands that I knew - sad and pathetic really.

Same.

I'm single, & certainly not interested in used goods. Besides, if they're happy to cheat on their wives, they're quite likely to be repeat offenders. I'm lucky enough to have friends (single/divorced/widowed & married!) who aren't competitive or emotionally insecure. In any case, although I'd like a partner, I'm choosy, so not accepting just anyone. I'm fed up, not hard up!