I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

[CousinBette]

…so you know, I could still be invited to the dinner parties and weekends away that I was invited to before the husband died… Instead, it’s just meeting the woman in the couple for coffee until we are all widows together in twenty years time.

AIBU?

It's not just that you no longer get invited to couple things though. I had "couple" friends where we often did things as couples and also did things without our husbands. I don't get invited to the wives only things either.

This. But if you were a man, you'd still be invited to the couple things and the husband things.

Sorry for your loss.

Some people can be really horrible about this stuff.

Sorry this is happening to you. It's ridiculous. Next time you go for coffee with the wives why not say something like I really would love a weekend break. Anyone up for a weekend away? See what they say.

I did used to have events where couples came, like BBQs though, but then anyone could come to those, and in our circles whoever can come comes, so that might often be one half of a couple as the other ones is busy, travelling, working away or whatever as much as widowed. I hate the idea of having a social circle full of couples and excluding to single parents or single women or people who are divorced or haven't settled down yet, it sounds so suffocating.

That said, there are events which are quite couple-oriented. I once went to a wedding, when my husband was very ill, with a couple who took me in their car and they were so kind and generous about it all, and we had a fun time (so I thought!), lovely people will not exclude you.

I don't think people include spare men in everything, but I don't know many single dads though.

My mum’s best friend locally and her husband included my mum regularly - on holidays with other couples, dinners or even if they went to the cinema. The depth of friendship was lovely. They met through work when they were mid fifties and mum was already divorced for years so may be easier than a changed dynamic but I think the friendship was just strong and they were kind thoughtful people (and enjoyed my mum’s company! They could natter for hours and hours). I was always so glad mum had that. They were all there for each other through terrible times.

The dynamic is completely different. I wouldn't want to go to a couples 'do' on my own (I genuinely struggle to see why anyone would?) nor would I want to be the couple responsible for the only single person there feeling included.

If I became single and still wanted to be included in my friend's couples events I'd tell them to keep inviting me, but I'd take company (a friend, my sister, my daughter).

Yes! So this. I'm a fortysomething widow, and in amongst the maelstrom of grief and readjustment I've also had to contend with something I've never had to deal with before, a slight suspicion or change of behaviour amongst (thankfully only a few) friends wives.

I got to know someone about six months ago through my work, a friendly chap, and then met his wife who definitely gave off vibes of "hands off", it was so unsettling!

I'm still deep in my own grief and the idea of anyone else coming into my life romantically is unthinkable at the moment, but I do cherish my friendships.

It's just another shitty aspect of widowhood but one I'd never even considered before it happened to me. Hugs to all going through it, it's rubbish.

That happened to me when I became a single parent, at least 3 of my friends partners made a pass at me, such tedious cliched behaviour. I never told any of the women, what good would it have done?. Two of them are divorced now so at least they are free of the scumbags

I get you op.

Our whole social life revolved around 3 other couples. Dh died 7 years ago and I've never been to a dinner party or seen the other 3 men since.

I still see the women so I know that the 6 of them still socialise. It hurts.

If I became single and still wanted to be included in my friend's couples events I'd tell them to keep inviting me, but I'd take company (a friend, my sister, my daughter).

Genuine question @SloaneStreetVandal . Why would you feel the need to take someone with you? These are your friends, so I'm confused why you feel the need for "company"

I'm so sorry. I get it too.

I honestly don't know why there are some on this thread that don't understand that singles and couples, males and females, can still socialise together. When you've been friends for so long, being left out is really isolating and sad.

Personally, I don't understand this. I wouldn't want to bring a +1 for the sake of it. If I go to dinner or whatever with coupled up friends, they're not responsible for me. I'm an adult and can join in conversation. But maybe that's how they feel, and that's why they rarely invite.

The single friend is a burden. Good thing I like doing things on my own, I guess.

Oh I don’t mean if you are going out just as a couple. I mean if you’re having a get together with other couples and decide not to invite because it’s assumed ‘they’ll feel awkward ‘

I posted early in this thread from the perspective of someone who's missing the friends who've fallen by the wayside.

But the more I read, the more I realise I should be grateful for the one couple who make sure they catch up with me every few weeks as a couple and who both talk to me in the same way that they did when my husband was alive. They're clearly on the way to being unicorns.

Yes, you completely misunderstood my comment.
I'm not desperate to spend time with anyone's husband (I'm not desperate to spend time with anyone in fact).
The point I was making is that I don't only want female friends. I am able to be friends with women and men and enjoy spending time with both. Spending time with a man, whether he's married or single, does not mean I'm about to jump on him!

Because maybe the person enjoys spending time with the couple as a couple. I don't want to just talk about whatever the women want to talk about maybe I like diy/football/rugby/cricket but that bores a lot of women.

I was given a plus one for a wedding, I went on my own (mainly because it was abroad and to hell was I taking anyone away with me). I'm not taking a friend for support as I don't need a friend for support, I'm quite capable of navigating a party, a dinner, a bbq, a wedding as a single person I don't need my hand held. I can go to things on my own and hold a conversation with shock horror a couple. I don't feel left out or like a third wheel (if a couple is doing that then they aren't good hosts).

I'm lucky that I have a good bunch of friends who don't exclude me because I'm single. There's the odd one but they can't be that much of a friend if they exclude me for being single.

It's very real and I've seen it in action - when MIL was widowed in her late 70's she had exactly the same situation. She used to have a vibrant social life which she really enjoyed , she reached the point where she didn't feel comfortable even hosting other couples because of the dynamic.

fortunately for her she met a lovely chap who was widowed and they rubbed along nicely for about 10yrs, each in their own houses but going on holiday together and socialising as a couple. She moved into sheltered accommodation after he died where she has a different kind of social life as there are very few couples in there.

I didn't experience it after my divorce as exH and I didn't really do the couples socialising thing - he was a REALLY fussy eater so that whole scene really didn't work for him. I socialised with my work friends, and that simply continued.

This is exactly it. We'd been friends with these couples for the best part of 25 years. I thought the men were my friends too, not just the women. I've moved on now and have other friends but I still, 7 years later, feel sad.

I don't think the women consciously thought I was after their husbands but evidently there was some sort of thought process there that meant I could no longer be part of the group.

Jolene has a lot to answer for.😀

I've found my male friends less good at keeping in touch in general, I lost quite a few along the way in my thirties or have only occasional contact with them and this didn't get worse after widowhood, but seemed to be more to do with the social mores around male/female friendships. I do now have a couple of male friends, and they seem to be quite mature about this stuff! I do agree starting friendships from scratch with men is something hard to do, whatever your marital status, due to the potential for misunderstanding. I like hanging out with friends' families as well, that changes the dynamic away from a slightly awkward three.

Took me long enough to get rid of mine- definitely don’t want other women’s husbands. Unfortunately it’s the way women have always been treated- as an adjunct to a bloke so people don’t know what to do with you when you’re single.

Well if it is they would be wrong. Quite often it feels like I’m the smug one tripping off to my wee quiet house and my big comfy bed.*
*my friends’ husbands are generally nice men, but I’m generally the one their wives moan to when the bin hasn’t been emptied again.

There’s a lot of difference between being divorced and being a widow.

When the person you to chose to live your life with and made a lifetime of plans with and had children with.
We had many plans for us and our children but it wasn’t to be as he died almost 2 years after his brain tumour diagnosis.

When people who were divorced tell me they know exactly how I feel, I have to bite my tongue, because their child still has two parents, they can go and stay or holiday with the other parent so you get a break, they may get financial support and can share the highs and lows.

They can pick up the phone and talk to the other parent and make joint decisions.

Widows get none of those things, in the widow community we say that a divorced parent can’t wait to take their wedding ring off, but as widows we struggle to do so.

After my husband died I didn’t get invited to stuff like we used to do, the one time I went for a meal with two of the couples we used to go out with, we had a table for six, I ended up sitting opposite an empty chair.

Things do change when you’re widowed. I certainly felt that women were keeping very close to their husbands to ensure I didn’t steal them, I mean I didn’t fancy them before,FFS I was widowed not desperate my morals didn’t die when my husband did.