I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

[CousinBette]

…so you know, I could still be invited to the dinner parties and weekends away that I was invited to before the husband died… Instead, it’s just meeting the woman in the couple for coffee until we are all widows together in twenty years time.

AIBU?

Also LOL at the endless suggestions I try online dating. As if I somehow MUST be want to be coupled up. No ta. Very happy with my life with DS, my career and my hobbies. Absolutely no room, time or patience for mediocre dates with “Steve” who is recently divorced (all her fault obviously), is toying with buying a motorbike, and thinks a “spicy marg” is a kind of pizza.

The 'try OLD' are usually from friends with husbands/partners that I'd have dumped years ago.

@FloatyBoaty , What's spicy marg?

Google suggests it’s a margherita as in the drink, but I don’t know if it’s OLD shorthand for something less…innocuous

And god yes, the suggestions that you try dating. I don’t want to date generally but I’ve definitely got better things to do with my time than scroll though naff gym mirror selfies and pictures of men holding unfeasibly large fish.

It's the men who are the problem OP, and the odds on them becoming a problem, for you, and spoiling your friendships with the wives, is unfortunately quite high. Stay friends with the wives, but cast your social net much wider. I do think there can be an element of women thinking of your feelings. Similar things happen after miscarriages, loss of children etc. Sorry for your loss.

I was always a bit peeved I was slightly too old for Widowed and Young (WAY)...

@Voerendaal

If you look back through the post history you will see I was responding to a PP’s comment on friends being jealous of her 50:50 custody.

I would never think to compare the two situations as they are entirely different.

Sorry for your loss and difficult circumstances 💐

I would assume it's his way of assuring me he's "safe" and not likely to try it on.

I think men mention their wives for the same reason that I used to mention my husband, making it clear they are in a couple and not after you! I don't think this is sinister, I always like men who naturally mention their wives in conversation, although if it's crowbarred in it can feel a little odd.

I don't need to rent your dh, i'll do my own DIY or pay a builder. If you want to read a book, take a trip to the library?

Sense of humour failure?

I have been divorced for many years and I was utterly patronised by many of my married female (ex) friends. They talked about my age and presumed that I was on the hunt for any available man. A couple of husbands contacted me on the quiet - which I ignored, whilst their wives were 'single shaming' me. I never have and would never do this to anyone.

Which part was funny?

the renting out man?

the fact the woman can't do DIY, so needs a man to do that for her?

or the wife wants to read a book?

It's more like a self-imposed verbal chastity belt, designed to stop the woman having designs on him!

I always think it’s nicer to invite someone and let them refuse if they don’t want to come rather than not invite and decide ‘they wouldn’t want to come anyway’ for them.

I could rent you my husband - very good at DIY, Then I could peacefully read a book

I thought that was quite funny. I have occasionally borrowed other people's husbands for the odd dump run, and I used to lend mine out frequently when I had one. Trying to find good builders or tradespeople is a nightmare sometimes, although I have found some now, but being part of a co-operative community is a nicer way to do things. I wouldn't ask the same person lots of times though, as that would then overstep into 'spending time together alone' which I'm not keen to do- but the odd favour or lift, why not?

This is just what I was thinking.

And the best message of the day is ⬆️

Why are you so desperate to spend time with someones husband?

I have plenty of married friends and I still love to hang out with them without any of our men involved, same way my husband spends time with his male friends without me tagging along.

If I'm going out with my husband it's very much us time, a rare opportunity where work/family/elderly parents/children aren't distracting us. People are allowed to make that choice, we're all allowed to prioritise our relationships as we see fit, and not feel obligated.

The OP's friends ARE maintaining their friendships with her, they've not abandoned her. Though if I thought a single friend wasn't considering my position, and wrongly assuming my choice was just about keeping her away from my husband, I'd be offended and I doubt I'd want to remain friends.

That is so sad OP 😔 I'd never consider treating my friend directly after her divorce. My other friend has Ben single and in a couple lots of times over our friendship.

They must be very insecure women!

@LondonFox , I think you misinterpreted @HoHoHoliday 's post.
She's not desperate to spend time with her friend's husband.

I remember when DH had to work away for a while as no choice. I stayed behind as DC were doing GCSEs. Immediately all the dinner invites dried up. DH meanwhile got tons of them in his new location, because everyone felt sorry for him.

I don't fool myself that people think I am after their husbands. I just think that people like to entertain in couples, and they don't want an odd woman.

But perhaps some women are disparate for their husband to be offloaded onto somebody else..........

Think you misunderstood, if they're friends who invited you when you were part of a couple why wouldn't you still want to see them as a couple. Why the need to not invite the single person along to things anymore unless it's just with the wife?

It's not just that you no longer get invited to couple things though. I had "couple" friends where we often did things as couples and also did things without our husbands. I don't get invited to the wives only things either.

I also had seperate friends where I only really know the women and those friendships have largely continued, whether they were married or not.

After my husband died, I had a friend who implied I might be after her husband. I told her I didn't want her husband. In fact I didn't know why she wanted her husband.