I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

[CousinBette]

…so you know, I could still be invited to the dinner parties and weekends away that I was invited to before the husband died… Instead, it’s just meeting the woman in the couple for coffee until we are all widows together in twenty years time.

AIBU?

Oh yeah, definitely. I mean, I'm married and even I've had this ... I'm a plump, middle aged woman. But if I talk to a middle age man in public, (eg just to pass him a trolley at Morrisons,) and say 'there ya go' and I smile, I get him looking at me like I'm a piece of shit on his shoe. 💩

And I also get men calling me 'mate' just so that I know that they don't fancy me, because they know I'm so desperate to jump their bones and shag them because I smiled. 😆 Some men have just got such a massive overinflated sense of superiority. It's just hilarious. I've got my own husband. He's a lazy fat fucker like me who likes to eat nice food and sit in front the of TV, and go for lazy walks in the woods, and sit drinking wine on a Friday night in the pub.. We match perfectly well and I don't want any other man and he doesn't want any other woman.

nb; not ALL men I speak to look at me like I'm shit, but most middle aged men do. Much younger men and much older men (a generation younger or older,) are kind and friendly and polite. (Most of them!) The middle aged ones think I fancy them if I even glance at them for a nansecond!!! 😆

Sometimes they have a good reason to be threatened by them/worried about them, but IMO, it's unhappily married women that are more of a threat to your marriage than single women, or widows.

No. The biggest threat to your marriage in that situation is a husband you can’t trust.

An unhappily married woman isn't a threat unless your DH/DP isn't trustworthy. A newly-single woman is a 'damsel in distress' and it brings out the 'knight in shining armour' in some men.

The man is usually the problem.

A friend (single) told me that all married men squeeze that fact into the first few sentences when you meet them. And it's true, even random men I meet out with the dogs. Mentioning wife and children as soon as we've agreed on the crap weather.

@namechangealerttt

Thanks for this, I have a disabled DC and am carer so this probably compounds my irritation to be honest. There is mostly no day off. My DH works hard to support and I do get some breaks, even if I wanted to take a week holiday with friends he would absolutely be behind that 100%.

With my friend she has at least 2 days, every week with no work and no DC. She just doesn’t seem to get that I don’t have time to do xyz because I don’t get a regular complete day off.

There are constant problems and largely self created drama, in amongst the proactive forward movement for her.

I keep saying to her to put her energy into positive action and to make the most of her (massive expanse) of free time. But I don’t think she gets the opportunity she has really.

Regards a widow joining a couple for activities previously enjoyed as two couples, it’s incredibly naive to think that can carry on when there has been such a change in dynamics.

Thank goodness I still have one or two couple friends who do still treat me the way they always did. Somehow we still manage to go to the pub, for a meal or for a day out without me having to feel that I'm 'tagging along'.

Turns out I have nothing to moan about at all.

I seem to have been approaching widowhood very differently from your contacts. I don't want people thinking 'poor me', I want people to treat me like they always did.

Yes, are they scared of me or themselves?

I recently went on a sporting weekend where I was the only woman and only knew 2 of the men (both single).

The other 3 men all managed to tell me they were married within the very first few words spoken at the airport.

Alternative view. I have been seriously unwell. Two of my friends have asked who I think he would marry! 😄

I do know he would have a queue of casorole givers. I'll be dead so none of my business but they won't get my jewellery.

Regards a widow joining a couple for activities previously enjoyed as two couples, it’s incredibly naive to think that can carry on when there has been such a change in dynamics.

Change that to a widower and he'll be invited along the same as before he was widowed.

Exactly.
YANBU!
They can F off now.

@BrightYellowDaffodil

People can say that sort of thing humorously and flippantly, but I think some men look at relationships as a very transactional exchange of services - I do this thing for you, you do that thing for me. I give you this, you give me that.

There is no loving or deeper caring for the woman in an altruistic way as an autonomous, whole human with emotions, only loving the services she provides.

With some men, I think it's a one-way street. They certainly want to be loved and respected as a whole human, but they don't return it. With others, it genuinely how they seem to be built. They don't think or feel about relationships that way, and don't expect women to feel about them in that way. I think that's how some men are able to continue, perhaps happily, with relationships where they know on some level the woman is mainly using them for status or money. As long as they think they're getting a fair deal in return, they don't really mind.

@saraclara

I think you’ve been incredibly lucky to have this close association and relationship with this couple.

I am constantly brought as tag along for my parent when attending events with all the couple friends.

It’s nauseating. They speak to my parent in a slower, more deliberate manner as if they have become special needs and as if making this massive concession to have conversation.

They speak to me in asides, “how ARE they?” With concerned frowns on their faces.

Then when they/we leave they almost immediately huddle together with relief that they can get back to normal as the spectre of death has left the room.

We had a friend who died and while we were very supportive to their spouse in the aftermath, we don’t take much to do with them now as we were never really friends anyway, they were always spouse of friend not our friend.

As I say it depends what the relationships were in the beginning, and what the surrounding social dynamic is as to whether the relationship is maintained.

@IShaggedSomeMingers

Take every time I’ve written widow to mean widowed person! I had completely forgotten it was widower for men 🤦‍♀️

And I would disagree, as two of the widowed people I’ve referred to are widowers and they’ve been dropped like a stone and have had to create new lives for themselves.

My Mum was widowed in her early 40s. She was immediately ditched by the all the couples in our friendship circle, the women kept in touch for a while, possibly 12 months and then that was that. She lost my Dad and their friends.

YANBU.

This happened to my MIL too, it compounded her grief and loss.

All joking aside that would actually be quite useful.

@CousinBette I agree with you. So sad that this is what happens in ‘friendships’. My mum has spoken about this before and seen it happen to her friends. She is not a widow but always makes a point of still inviting the men/women who are. Unfortunately even if they come it doesn’t last as others make them feel so uncomfortable. Pretty sad because really it could be them and will be them one day! One of the widowers met a new partner and that was even worse because people had so much to say on the speed etc yet they didn’t seem to care so much about him being lonely, left out and grieving. People are just bloody weird.

I got uninvited and ignored when exh left me... some people are just so judgemental and weird

I don't want anyone else's husband but neither do I want to hang out with them socially either that much, I am usually good friends with my female friends, and their husbands are nice and say hi but I'm not separate friends with them, although I do have one or two male friends as well.

I don't enjoy 'couple socializing', I didn't when I was married and I don't now as a widow- I'm happy to go along to the odd party with mixed groups, work events, but the thought of a coupl-y dinner party and me is ugh.

I think you are being a bit dismissive of coffee out with your friends, perhaps make new friends?

Regardless of the design of ring, I’d be wearing it on this finger.

We are discussing being a widow not a divorcee whose ex had the kids every other weekend etc. Try doing it all by yourself with no family nearby to help and dealing with not only your grief but your children’s grief. And having no one to discuss parenting descisions about traumatised children who have Mental health issues. I wish I could just f••k off of a weekend but I can’t. And my situation frightens people. An ex friend who was great at the beginning just can’t cope with my situation as it is now as my DD has grown been diagnosed ADHD. It all just challenges her status quo. Please don’t compare widows with divorced people with exes still involved with child care. It is not comparable

I agree being a widow and being a lone parent is very hard work, it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

I don't think it's true though that you get dropped like a stone- or at least I haven't- my friends are my friends and that hasn't changed much, in fact, they were fantastic during those early days, but I think that's because they are strong friendships in their own right, and not dependent on being in a couple, I used to socialise separately from my husband and he had his own friends, and the couple side of thing we used to do with the odd BBQ or neighbours, but not to a great extent.

There are heaps and heaps of plus 40 women who are stuck with kids or older and want friends- my mum has been divorced and joined a walking group and choir, and I have a lot of friends through work.

I'm not saying it's easy, but I am saying it does reflect how you did friendships prior to the death- I think for the older generation in their 70's, then couple socializing was more common, but in my generation- I'm surprised it's that dominant. That said, many women are on their own as their husbands are not sociable, dead or left them so there are opportunities to add to the social circle if you want to, after the initial shock.

Can’t say I’d find being the third wheel to a couple fun. Tbh people would prob think you where in a trouble these days 😂

I don’t hang out with any of my friends husbands nor do we hang out as couples. It’s the women or the men. Can’t think of anyone I know who does couples evenings unless it’s like family event stuff or work parties.

My point is about the assumption, not the experience.

For example there are some recent posts here detailing a scenario whereupon in telling a woman he's married, a man has signalled arrogant intent (don't try it on with me). In that same scenario were the man to omit his marital status the majority of replies would suggest he's signalled arrogant intent (I'm considering trying it on with you).

Making negative assumptions about others' motives is more often than not, I'm afraid, reflective of our own insecurities/delusions, no one else's.

Not a widow but the only single mum “in the village” (really weird- not sure when we became an endangered species?!), and can absolutely see how this is a thing.

I’ve formed some close friendships with a number of the families at the school- but outside of the usual playdates etc only ever get invited to the “mum stuff”. The coupled up parents go out for dinners together, or dads take the kids to the rugby or the cricket. Never do we get invited to that kind of stuff. (And I’d love to take DS to the rugby with the other kids!)

I don’t think it’s deliberate exclusion. I reckon it’s just some weird social hangover from days of yore. But it does sometimes grate a bit.

Also LOL at the endless suggestions I try online dating. As if I somehow MUST be want to be coupled up. No ta. Very happy with my life with DS, my career and my hobbies. Absolutely no room, time or patience for mediocre dates with “Steve” who is recently divorced (all her fault obviously), is toying with buying a motorbike, and thinks a “spicy marg” is a kind of pizza.

The hardest thing I find is being a lone parent is you couldn't go to the weekends away anyway- who would look after the kids? Lack of time for yourself is the biggest problem, I think. I have plenty of things I could be up to if I had more time/energy/wasn't on my own! I like coffees as that's about what I can manage in a demanding week- things after 8 at night or weekends are just laughable when you work full-time. That's nothing to do with weird husbands (which I agree some of them are a bit odd, but I work with lots of men all the time so am used to looking extremely disinterested in them).