I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

[CousinBette]

…so you know, I could still be invited to the dinner parties and weekends away that I was invited to before the husband died… Instead, it’s just meeting the woman in the couple for coffee until we are all widows together in twenty years time.

AIBU?

Sadly, yes I think this might be what's going on. I can understand why people would think of such women are petty and insecure, but if there's children involved, many women will not take such risks.

I don't really want to hang out with my friends ' husbands anyway as I'm mates with their wives, not them! They're usually annoying and just hang around in the background. I have my own male friends. Just because you're mates with the wife doesn't mean you automatically have to befriend the husband.

Given women usually outlive men most married women are more likely to be widowed than not. Don't want to think about it. So, will avoid 'the messanger'.

Plus, the old 'will she steal my husband / will my husband make a beeline for her even though she's making it plain she is not interested & is perfectly nice' trope.

I've been both divorced & widowed & people avoid these issues as they make them think. That makes many people 'uncomfortable'. Sad as both are common.

HRTFT but are you measuring others by your own actions? My three closest friends have been through it all during the time I've been married (30 years). Two, who happen to be single, are coming for lunch today. DH will be here most of the time. I can't say I've consciously altered the way I treat them, no matter what their status is. Did you treat your single friend differently when married?

my DM was widowed quite young, and a few single/widowed/divorced men were sniffing around. You could almost hear them thinking 'cook, housekeeper, nursemaid ...'.

That happened to my grandmother, so it has ever been thus. She had no intention of being someone else’s wife but the man pursuing her seemed to think she was a ready-made product. She stayed single for the rest of her life, sensible woman.

And the “product/service provider” thing rumbles on. I had a comment made about my cooking a while back: “She’s a good cook, I don’t know why she hasn’t been snapped up!”

Snapped up. Like I’m just a fucking asset to someone else rather than a person in my own right. I’m still salty about this!

Yes, this is definitely thing. I was told by a friend of mine that “she would consult the other couples” because single me would spoil the dynamic. I told her not to bother.

There are a lot of us single women who are quite happy being single. I’ve now got loads of single women friends who don’t have to check with their husbands before committing to a night out. I’m absolutely not looking for a man.

@Lastarse

I know, and we have done, and she is always invited to everything.

It’s been 3 years now so we are hoping things settle down but it is hard. Her behaviour is very irresponsible and not at all child focused. That’s where the exasperation comes in.

Yeah, this ... I know three women who live not too far from me, 2 widows and a divorced woman (all in their 50s and 60s.) They've had several married men in the street offering to mow their lawn, put up shelves for them, do the decorating for them, trim their hedges etc etc. All middle aged married men with grown up children who want to be the 'knight in shining armour.' (Why do some some married men do this?)

All three of these women have turned every offer down because of this reason. They didn't want the wives to feel uncomfortable or unhappy. They were all married themselves once, and they know how they would feel if their husband had been tootling around over to single women and widows being their 'knight in shining armour.'

They know how much it jars, and how insulting and disrespectful it is to the wife when a man is desperate to be be seen as a 'knight and shining armour,' helping other women - so he can puff out his big manly chest and feel like a big man helping the poor, fragile, lonely, iccle woman.

Also, although I've not been single since my mid 20s I do remember on some occasions, if ever any man ever came to talk to me (when his wife was not far away,) I would get absolute daggers from her, and evil looks, and even got called a fucking slag behind my back for talking to her husband when HE spoke to me first. I was a 'slag' just for talking to him.

So yes, some married women are massively threatened by single women/ widows. Of course, not all married women are, but yeah, certainly some are sometimes ... Sometimes they have a good reason to be threatened by them/worried about them, but IMO, it's unhappily married women that are more of a threat to your marriage than single women, or widows.

When this happened to someone I knew it was women with the most grotesque husbands who seemed to think my attractive, intelligent friend would be desperate to lure their overweight, tv obsessed lazy arses away.

I was divorced at forty and despite the fact that my ex h had never come out with us all I was suddenly excluded from get togethers and told “ well you don’t really fit in now you are single “ 🙄

I cut contact from those so called friends .. 12 years later I’m happily married but becoming single didn’t turn me into a raging man eater !

Yes to this.

I’m a single woman and don’t want your husband!

@BrightYellowDaffodil , my DM is still single - she was having none of it. Had DM died before DF, I suspect he'd have remarried within months.

Friend's DF had a girlfriend within weeks of being widowed., which wasn't nice for my friend. Friend didn't say much but didn't need to.

So yes, some married women are massively threatened by single women/ widows. Of course, not all married women are, but yeah, certainly some are sometimes ... Sometimes they have a good reason to be threatened by them/worried about them, but IMO, it's unhappily married women that are more of a threat to your marriage than single women, or widows.

No. The biggest threat to your marriage in that situation is a husband you can’t trust.

When I separated from my ex my friends practically abandoned me, but still had couples nights while I sat home alone. I completely understand. One got back in touch when she found I remarried. I didn’t get back to her.

I got told years ago in my early 20s by older women I worked with that I’d make a lovely wife because I made a lovely cup of tea! 😂🫣

Awww, that's so wholesome! 😆

That's awful. It's just so ridiculous, and insulting, and narrow minded. Whenever me and DH are out in groups of say six to fourteen people, we've never, ever excluded the single women/divorcees/widows. That would be about a third of our social circle LOL!!!

I mean, me and DH wouldn't go out with just one single woman - because to be honest with you, that would be quite awkward. And if I was single, I wouldn't want to go out with a couple on my own. But I really fail to see why a bunch of couples together would never want a single/widowed woman with them.

Are all the women in these 4, 5, or 6 couples terrified that this newly single or widowed woman, is going to take her husband away? I find that extremely bizarre. Like I said, nobody I know in any of the couples I know, would exclude single, widowed, and divorced women like this for social events.

You also get men who seem to think you’re after them, 2 men, married in my street who both seem to think if we say hello or I acknowledge them that I’m gonna jump their bones. Dream on sweetheart! This is after them chatting to me. So what, do they want me to ignore them? Because they’re so irresistible. 😂

I was sort of flattered at the time but looking back it’s a back handed compliment!

what a about a time share situation. Would that be acceptable to you?

I've been single for a long time. The couples who want to hang out with you are the ones you want to hang out with. If that is their attitude they're not worth it. I know it can be hard, but take the chance to make some new, better, friends.

@BrightYellowDaffodil

No. I am exasperated because she asks me to go to raves, rings me at nearly midnight for a chat, has totally inappropriate toxic relationships for sex then needs hours of essentially therapy to cope with it, because she asks me to come and help her tidy and organise her house, because she decides to drink on days out with the kids. She really isn’t in a bad place anymore, but it’s as if she’s reverted to being in 20s prior to marriage.

I’m tired. I don’t have up to 5 days free in the week without responsibility. I don’t have the resources to either support or socialise as she’s asking and it is exasperating to have to explain that I’ve been up from 6.30am with kids whenever she’s just surfaced at 11.30am for brunch and is considering a nap in the afternoon before going out at night.

I absolutely don’t want her set up, but I wish she would see how much space and energy she has to make positive change for herself and that she would have more consideration for what myself and other full time mums are dealing with.

I mean, me and DH wouldn't go out with just one single woman - because to be honest with you, that would be quite awkward. And if I was single, I wouldn't want to go out with a couple on my own.

Why? And would you give your single friend a choice in this or make that decision for her?

I see couple friends as a three all the time because I enjoy the company of both of them. I don’t feel “outnumbered” or some such.

And yet for so many of us that has been a very real lived experience. Maybe come back and tell us about yours once you've experienced it?