To feel that supportive relationships are a form of privilege

[Brood]

I got my operation for my third round of egg retrieval about ten days ago. Unfortunately, there was an extremely rare complication where they could only access one of my ovaries and I ended up needing extra tests due to something that went wrong during the procedure. I felt devastated as I had no awareness this could even happen. I knew immediately when I woke up that something had gone wrong because the pad I was lying on contained a lot of blood which I had never seen on previous occasions and there was a very sombre atmosphere and lots of waiting.

The explanation I got was that our internal body parts are constantly moving around and sometimes they move out of reach. This resulted in me going home with all the mature eggs still in one of my ovaries.

Afterwards I was extremely swollen and sore and bleeding for days. But since then, the swelling hasn’t gone down - I look about 6 months pregnant - feel exhausted, unwell, I feel overly full after eating, headachey, my breasts are very tender, and I’m starting to wonder if something else has gone wrong. I don’t know if anyone has any experience with this process. I just remember the recovery time being pretty quick and straight forward previously, but then I never went home with all my eggs still inside one of my ovaries before.

The other thing is this has been having an impact on my mood. I felt super alone watching couples in the waiting room of the fertility clinic, seeing men arrive to pick up their partners, men in the waiting room (I hate seeing men in the waiting room - it feels so triggering). Everyone in my workplace is engaged or happily married and while I love my own company, I’m starting to wonder what am I missing that I can’t find anyone who wants to be with me. There’s a podcast I listen to and the speaker talks about her struggles but she has a very supportive partner, according to her she has perfect kids that she easily got pregnant with & a solid family and even a very supportive ex partner. I don’t think people like this can truly understand how life is when you don’t have any support. I listen to her talk about how difficult life is but I wonder does she get how privileged she is.. She has never had to do anything alone.

Part of the definition of privilege is that privileged people don’t know they have it. I wonder how well people giving advice to others would do without the security of knowing they are loved and of having that solid support system behind them. This woman talks about privilege all the time without ever recognising her own. Are people really taking a risk by speaking vulnerably or counter culturally when they have a band of cheerleaders behind them who all think the same?

My work colleagues have the privilege of soaring self confidence knowing they have been accepted and loved in their long term relationships . I see how their partners bring their cars to be serviced, pack them lunch and do the grocery shopping for them, pay half or all of the rent, drive them on trips, help coordinate their schedule, make them dinner, make them feel special on their birthdays. Good for them, but they cannot have any idea of what it’s like to need to be everything for yourself all the time, to have to do the work of all those supporting roles alone. I wish the world would recognise this privilege. I know these are two different subjects, but they’re kind of the same. I don’t have anyone in the waiting room or at home, or to do my shopping or make me dinner or look after me. I am trying to figure out how to have a baby alone, buy a house alone, build a career alone. I often have to take annual leave because I have no one to call on for little things like getting my car serviced. A few months ago, I couldn’t drive due to an operation and I had no support at all with basic daily needs. My work colleagues take for granted that support is there. There are just millions of little ways having a support system makes life so much easier, and anyone who has that is truly privileged.

I am often judged for not having everything in order but I’m juggling everything myself. We all don’t have the same hours in the day as Beyonce when Beyonce has a team of people who take loads off her and free up plenty of extra time. I am judged for trying to figure out who is worth dating while my colleagues have extremely high standards because they’ve been lucky enough to have been loved that way. I feel I have done more work on myself than most and unfortunately, things still don’t work out & people with good supporting partners and families are blind to how much more smoothly their life runs because of other people and have so little insight into that privilege

Am I being unreasonable to feel so isolated in feeling that no one understands this?

Part of the definition of privilege is that privileged people don’t know they have it.

Well I don't know who decided that was part of the definition, but it's a load of bollocks.

they cannot have any idea of what it’s like to need to be everything for yourself all the time, to have to do the work of all those supporting roles alone. I wish the world would recognise this privilege.

What do you want? To be added to the list of people with Protected Characteristics? Come on now, you are sounding incredibly self pitying and bitter. I can only imagine this medical procedure has given you a massive hormonal surge that has made you all over-emotional.

Am I being unreasonable to feel so isolated in feeling that no one understands this?

You are not unreasonable to feel isolated and lonely, your feelings are perfectly valid. It must be tough. But it's a bit rich to demand that those of us in LTRs should recognise our 'privilege.' What if we refuse? Smug Marrieds Fragility?

If your life really is that hard and that lonely with absolutely no support network, then are you having a child to be this captive thing that will love you in a way you think no-one else does? To replace what you don't have in a relationship, or in any strong friendships or family ties? Because that is a hell of a lot to put on a child. A hell of a lot.

I haven’t read all the replies, but going by the poll I see I may be in the minority here.
i completely know what you mean, I do have a supportive partner but I had a really immature mother who provided very little guidance and nurturing beyond the age of about 8-10 years old. She then became really volatile and I find that people just don’t (can’t?) understand how this lack of safe foundation affects all aspects of life going forward.
I do think taking your thread title at face value, yes it’s privilege if you’ve had supportive relationships during critical phases of development. I’m not sure if I’d call adult relationships a privilege, though the ability to form them does depend on the quality of your young relationships.

Yes, it's funny isn't it? In a different era, or a different culture, a single woman in the OP's position would be resigned to a life of childlessness against her will, all for the lack of a man who wants to commit.

Nowadays she can not only make a conscious choice to conceive and raise a child completely alone, getting financial help from the taxpayer in the form of welfare benefits to support her choices if her income is low, bu she can also get donor sperm and IVF treatment in order to make it all happen, and no-one is supposed to judge her for it.

That is the very definition of a privilege to me, yet the OP doesn't see it. How self absorbed and entitled we have all become. No matter how much better our lot than the lot of women in previous generations, we are still never happy.

I can appreciate that you are probably feeling all kinds of emotions right now, but you are absolutely being unreasonable.

All people in LTR were single once. The huge majority have likely bemoaned their single state at one point and also longed for a partner.

I think a lot of single women could see you as being extremely 'privileged.' Not many single women would even be in the financial position to be buying a house, go through IVF or even afford a child. The fact that you can make these choices indicates you are in a much better position than a lot of women.

yep. plus the potential issues with attachment, identity and belonging that go along with being donor conceived, especially if there is little contact with the bio father. there's a name for this – genetic bewilderment. being donor conceived is sometimes referred to as being 'half adopted', and like adoption it can result in trauma. there is invariably very little consideration given to the emotional welfare of children created via donor conception. often if we voice any negative feelings about it, we are invalidated and told that we should be grateful to be alive, and 'at least you were wanted'. and the second part often becomes less true after their perfect baby turns into a confused child and later a traumatised adult.

A whole lot of people misunderstanding the concept of privilege here.

I'm white, but my life has not been perfect, and I'm poor. Does that mean I don't benefit from white privilege? Of course it doesn't. I have been favoured in a hundred tiny ways in my life that a similar PoC might not have been, sometimes without realising it.

You are in a supportive relationship, but life has been tough. Does that mean that you don't benefit from couple privilege? Of course not. You just have to read the recent thread started by the recently widowed poster who saw her social invitations dry up overnight to understand that.

I don't think relationships are like race though in terms of privilege. Sorry. In fact, being single is optimal for all measures of health and happiness when compared with married women, who tend to sacrifice their own health and happiness for their families and their husbands- so on that measure, being in a couple is not necessarily a privilege, it can lead to worse health.

As for being in a couple, this presupposes that you have a wonderful supportive relationship. In the real-world, such things are multi-faceted and complex, so even the most supportive relationship can go through a bad patch, or is supportive on one aspect but stressful in another- and that's the good ones. 50% of marriages end in divorce and more partnerships still collapse.

I'm not saying relationships are bad, I'm saying the concept of privilege doesn't help here, apart from the fact that you can't counter it either- you can have anti-discrimination legislation or make sure everyone gets an education, but you can't ensure everyone has fair access to a mutually supportive relationship. Relationships are things driven by nature, our desire to bond, even if they are not advantageous to us always!

The main couple privilege is economic, having two incomes, which protects you if one of you get sick or dies. You could also have that by being richer or by sharing family resources.

Beyond that, there isn't, IMO, a privilege in having most middle-aged husbands, or at least, it is for a few, but most of my friends are staggering on with grumpy ones or rubbish relationships and I'm not sure I would describe that from my lovely home which I furnish and run as I choose as a privilege. Economically, for sure.

Well I didn’t meet my husband until I was 41 so I understand what you mean but I don’t accept that I’m somehow privileged.

I am sorry that some of the comments have been harsh and that people have not been able to see beyond the words you have written to the pain (both physically and emotionally) that you are currently experiencing. It must be so difficult to experience the procedure that you just went through and not have a shoulder to lean or cry on after experiencing that. It is tough to have to deal with that on your own.

I am sorry also not to have any words of advice other than to wish you well and to say that you can dm me if you need to have a bit of a rant. Wishing you all the best, op.

I dont agree OP as there are too many variables to that type of privilege.

Where does defining privilege end when so many things are included.

I am very bright and have a good education and well paid job - am I privileged?
My sister not so bright, no education but married a rich man and doesnt have to work - is she privileged?

I have to work so not a SAHM but I have financial security so I am privileged for one part but not the other?
My sister is SAHM so privileged for that, but has no financial independence from her DH - is she still privileged?

I have 3 children and hardly ever have a minute to myself, I spend most of my time working and keeping the house/children. I speak to single colleagues who have great lives socializing at the weekend, we have different lives but are all privileged and struggling in our own ways.

Looks like there isn’t much support to be had online either OP, if some of the response here are anything to go by. Why do people have to stick the boot in?

Had the OP written 'I'm finding it hard to do IVF on my own, can anyone sympathise' then I think people would perhaps have responded differently- writing something about relationships being a form of privilege sounds like a debate, and that probably wasn't what the Op wanted, and also it would have signalled to other lone/single people going alone to join the thread. I often think that- that people don't always ask for what they need in threads, and if I responded wrongly, I apologise because it's not nice to feel a lack of sympathy, I thought it was a question about privilege/relationships and I'm a widow so perhaps I perceive it all quite differently.

Quite a long post but regards to egg retrieval. It’s quite common they can’t access one of the ovaries - a pain though and so disappointing but common. Also sounds like you have OHSS took me about 2 weeks to get rid of it - quite common again with people

Being a parent is so tough. Harder than I could have ever imagined. It has made my marriage less secure. It has destroyed some friendships. It has opened up issue with my partners that I didn't perceive before. It's tested me to the absolute limit.
I couldn't bear to be without my children. But if I'd known what I know now I don't know if would had them. Maybe that view will change as they get older.

And I would also say that every woman with a partner in that fertility clinic will be staggered by the difference between motherhood and fatherhood if they are successful.
You don't sound in great place. Please be very honest without yourself about whether you have the emotional resources for parenting. I thought I did; I don't think I am doing a good enough job and the cost has been huge.

*with my parents

YABU. In fact, you are being absurd. Simply because certain people have (enjoy?) something you do not does not make them "privileged."

Why is she being absurd? Isn't she allowed to feel resentful when in low times? This comment is pathetic and unhelpful.