To feel that supportive relationships are a form of privilege

[Brood]

I got my operation for my third round of egg retrieval about ten days ago. Unfortunately, there was an extremely rare complication where they could only access one of my ovaries and I ended up needing extra tests due to something that went wrong during the procedure. I felt devastated as I had no awareness this could even happen. I knew immediately when I woke up that something had gone wrong because the pad I was lying on contained a lot of blood which I had never seen on previous occasions and there was a very sombre atmosphere and lots of waiting.

The explanation I got was that our internal body parts are constantly moving around and sometimes they move out of reach. This resulted in me going home with all the mature eggs still in one of my ovaries.

Afterwards I was extremely swollen and sore and bleeding for days. But since then, the swelling hasn’t gone down - I look about 6 months pregnant - feel exhausted, unwell, I feel overly full after eating, headachey, my breasts are very tender, and I’m starting to wonder if something else has gone wrong. I don’t know if anyone has any experience with this process. I just remember the recovery time being pretty quick and straight forward previously, but then I never went home with all my eggs still inside one of my ovaries before.

The other thing is this has been having an impact on my mood. I felt super alone watching couples in the waiting room of the fertility clinic, seeing men arrive to pick up their partners, men in the waiting room (I hate seeing men in the waiting room - it feels so triggering). Everyone in my workplace is engaged or happily married and while I love my own company, I’m starting to wonder what am I missing that I can’t find anyone who wants to be with me. There’s a podcast I listen to and the speaker talks about her struggles but she has a very supportive partner, according to her she has perfect kids that she easily got pregnant with & a solid family and even a very supportive ex partner. I don’t think people like this can truly understand how life is when you don’t have any support. I listen to her talk about how difficult life is but I wonder does she get how privileged she is.. She has never had to do anything alone.

Part of the definition of privilege is that privileged people don’t know they have it. I wonder how well people giving advice to others would do without the security of knowing they are loved and of having that solid support system behind them. This woman talks about privilege all the time without ever recognising her own. Are people really taking a risk by speaking vulnerably or counter culturally when they have a band of cheerleaders behind them who all think the same?

My work colleagues have the privilege of soaring self confidence knowing they have been accepted and loved in their long term relationships . I see how their partners bring their cars to be serviced, pack them lunch and do the grocery shopping for them, pay half or all of the rent, drive them on trips, help coordinate their schedule, make them dinner, make them feel special on their birthdays. Good for them, but they cannot have any idea of what it’s like to need to be everything for yourself all the time, to have to do the work of all those supporting roles alone. I wish the world would recognise this privilege. I know these are two different subjects, but they’re kind of the same. I don’t have anyone in the waiting room or at home, or to do my shopping or make me dinner or look after me. I am trying to figure out how to have a baby alone, buy a house alone, build a career alone. I often have to take annual leave because I have no one to call on for little things like getting my car serviced. A few months ago, I couldn’t drive due to an operation and I had no support at all with basic daily needs. My work colleagues take for granted that support is there. There are just millions of little ways having a support system makes life so much easier, and anyone who has that is truly privileged.

I am often judged for not having everything in order but I’m juggling everything myself. We all don’t have the same hours in the day as Beyonce when Beyonce has a team of people who take loads off her and free up plenty of extra time. I am judged for trying to figure out who is worth dating while my colleagues have extremely high standards because they’ve been lucky enough to have been loved that way. I feel I have done more work on myself than most and unfortunately, things still don’t work out & people with good supporting partners and families are blind to how much more smoothly their life runs because of other people and have so little insight into that privilege

Am I being unreasonable to feel so isolated in feeling that no one understands this?

This.

Please don't have a child without support. You may end up resenting the child, suffer from negativity and depression and he/she will not have the privilege of a father figure either. I can't imagine coming home alone with a newborn.

I have a husband but little other support and we have both found it so so difficult and overwhelming. Unless you can afford quality childcare (babysitter/nanny) and help with housework (cleaners etc) it can feel all consuming.

When a majority of people have a situation, whether happy relationship, mutually supportive, sex, gender, wealth, race or cultural is it they who have the privilege? Of are those who do not underprivileged?

The essence of your thread is that you feel unsupported and alone in your journey through life. I think other posters have got hung up on the IVF story and the word privilege.
It IS hard going through life as a single person, especially if you don't have supportive family either. Yes there are advantages to being single but if you don't have emotional support from a partner, family or a really good friend, you can feel terribly adrift.
I find that many people who are anchored firmly have no concept of the difficulties of navigating life's challenges alone.

No, I wouldn't class a supportive partner as a privilege, as ime people who are in 'supportive' relationships are there due to a combination of being in the right place at the right time, being prepared to compromise on some things to get others, working at the relationship themselves, plus some selective reporting. Sitting in the waiting room while a partner has IVF, doesn't mean a man is supportive of his partners career, is patient with her, does his share of chores etc. Given no one is perfect, its almost guaranteed those women will be tolerating other things that may be a deal breaker for you.
Also a supportive relationship is not a fixed characteristic. Most people have it at some points and dont at others, and it's available on a reasonably equitable basis regardless of other fixed disadvantage. So people who have one are fortunate (while it lasts) but not privileged in the same way we apply it to sex, race, class etc.

Most of the things you have listed are usually a matter of luck and fate. It's part of life, not necessarily privilege. I am single and at times, lonely, while all my friends are in couples etc. Does that mean they are more privileged than me? I have an amazing relationship with my parents, while some of them don't. Does that make me more privileged than them?
Privileged is definitely not the right word in this situation.

I am extremely fortunate to have met my husband, but I put a lot of conscious effort into my relationship. It wasn’t handed to me without work, so it’s hardly a privilege.

You have no idea what’s going on in your peers relationships to be able to judge that they’re privileged. Many outwardly happy couples are anything but.

Your post also has signs of a lot of your privilege (financially secure enough to live alone, producing sufficient eggs for multiple rounds of collection, can afford fertility treatments to name but a few). By that measure you shouldn’t be feeling down about something that you volunteered to do.

But in truth your feelings and struggles are valid regardless of ‘privilege’. Same for the people you know in a secure couple.

Op I think that you are going to need help in reframing some of your thinking. You are only going to feel the lack of support more keenly once your baby arrives.

As many pp have already said you don’t seem in the right headspace to have a child; do you think those “triggering” feelings will go away when you are trying to care for a newborn seeing other women with their partners? Or will motherhood become a way of reinforcing this mentality that you are hard done by?
It sounds like you need a total reset in how you view other people’s lives. You are seeing what you want to see - namely a world where you are the victim/outlier/less fortunate as it clearly serves some psychological purpose to you. It makes your sense of loneliness seem beyond your control but it’s not. Join in with some hobbies, reengage with friends and family if you can. If you want to, find a partner - but forget any prerequisites other than them being kind and respectful, in my experience that is literally all you need to look for, everything else can be figured out!
Those people with “perfect” relationships will all have made compromises and sacrifices. Accommodating another adult human into your life takes a huge amount of effort, humility, compromise, selflessness and respect. Good long term relationships don’t materialise out of thin air, and thinking that way is not helping you. I wish you the best.

I’m sorry you are on the receiving end of such harsh criticism op. AIBU can be a bit of a bun fight and I think by conflating your privilege point with IVF you are receiving feedback from those struggling with infertility who are going through a lot of pain themselves.

I agree very much that having a loving relationship is a huge privilege. It cocoons you from the harsh realities of life somewhat when someone else has your back. Obviously that can change in an instant if one of you becomes seriously unwell but it’s the little things as you say that just ease the path ahead of you whether it’s someone buying petrol for you or having someone to chat to at the end of a long, difficult day.

My aunt was widowed recently and she said the thing that saddens her most is not the lack of someone to go out and do things with, but the lack of someone to sit down and do nothing with; having someone there who understands you to the point you don’t even need to speak.

I am sorry you are feeling down and uncomfortable op. You’ve taken a very brave path going ahead with IVF alone and I wish you all the best.

Goodness me op. I won’t lie, you lost me at Beyoncé. No idea what she has to do with it.

im sorry you feel sad and lonely . You must understand your post is illogical though. Not all those people you mention will have been in a relationship since leaving home, many will have had years of it. Not everyone has a supportive relationship. Some are bad. Everyone has their own issues.

im going to assume you just feel down right now, and that’s made you a little irrational.

Mine was the first comment. I'm separated after years of hell in the relationship with my daughter's father. My parents died many years ago and I don't live in my home Country. Zero emotional and practical support. However, I think I'm lucky because I have many things in my life to be grateful for and I don't envy other people. The OP wants to bring into the world a child who won't have a father because she chose that! And she has the face of moaning about emorional support and privilege! Give me a break!

People don't like being told they have privilege, as a general rule. I'm not sure it's the right word here, but I do understand what you're saying. In a long term relationship you tend to have the advantages of practical support, sharing the burdens of life etc. That is a protective factor and a lot of people don't realise how much security and confidence it brings until it's gone. But relationships are also messy and complicated and require a lot of giving and compromise, so I suppose people might feel that all that is being ignored when they are called 'privileged' or 'lucky' by someone who is single.

I think if you feel this way now then you need to think very carefully about how you might feel if you have a baby. Single parenting can make people very resentful and bitter - it can be relentless and lonely.

What a beautiful reply.

You’re going through a tough time OP. Your own feelings are valid, but I think that, as many have said, ‘privilege’ is not the correct word.
Like others, I don’t think this is going to be helped by getting pregnant/ planning to have a child alone, placing yourself in a world where having (or not having)a supportive partner will be even more pronounced.
I’d be concerned that the reason you’re having a child is to feel less lonely. I know that might sound harsh, and it’s your right to have a child if you want one, but I’d be examining your motives just to be sure.

Good advice here, OP.

It’s not about privilege. Most of us are lucky in some ways, unlucky in others. And the luckiest of us have often worked to make their own good luck, as you are doing by taking action to have a child.

Best of luck to you with the IVF, and I wish you (and hopefully your future family) much happiness.

I agree that having supportive relationships makes life's problems easier to deal with. It is also true that some people have more hardship and difficulty than others.

I totally get it what you’re talking about @Brood. I have no support from anyone.

I’m currently drowning in a project due on Tuesday and it really hits home at times like this. My flat is chaos at the moment. I don’t have time to stop to do the washing up and make dinner so I'm barely eating. I need to do some laundry and change my sheets but that’s going to have to wait too. I also have two other urgent tasks that I’m having to ignore. I’ve broken down in tears three times in the last two days. Just having someone to make me a cup of coffee would help so much.

I’m on the waiting list for an operation so I’ll need to find someone to pick me up afterwards. They won’t be able to stay and I won’t be able to bend for a while so will need to pay someone to come in and do some bits and pieces for me and feed my cat… not sure if that’s even a thing but it will have to be!

I had my flat on the market earlier in the year and mentioned to a friend how daunting the thought of all the packing and moving was on my own. She said ‘oh it’s fine I’ve done it loads of times’ but she hasn’t, her dad helped her do it all!

A new neighbour has just moved in and he’s got his parents helping him with everything, including the decorating.

It’s bloody exhausting having to do everything on your own all of the time, especially when you need the emotional support like you did when you woke up. I really feel for you. Sorry you’ve had some nasty responses. Some people just don’t get it because they’ve never been in this position. If you were my friend I’d be there to hold your hand!

It clearly does confer advantages to have supportive relationships.
But actually I don't think good adult traditional relationships suddenly give you confidence and improve your self esteem. I think having high self esteem and good relational skills makes you much more likely to be in a good relationship (so many people are in shit ones, or struggle to meet good people). The luck (perhaps you'd call it privilege) is to have had parental input that is nurturing and responsive with the right mix of boundaries, praise and consequences and modelling of good relationship skills (communication, resolving differences, shared values etc). I mean 'good enough' parenting is not something that very many people have experienced and it's a very advantageous gift.

And a child is neither an accessory nor a cure for whatever mental distress one feels.

Hello, I do everything by myself. And nobody is entitled to a child.

You have made me realise having dh who i love and get on with is really a privilege, so thank you for opening my eyes op.
I hope you meet someone similar soon

amoobaa
Wow, a lot of very harsh comments, considering they have no idea of your full circumstances. IVF is tough and from what you’ve described that last procedure was really hard.
Op’s op is extremely negative and op I think you need to re read it to see exactly how bitter you are against so many people. I understand everything is difficult for you at the moment but you’ve a lot of resentment there you need to work through. There’s a lot of us privileged in life, and blessed, but you hating everyone that has some aspect of their life going well won’t help you. I hope things get easier for you x

They know nothing about other people's lives. And their comments are not compassionate. They only condone envy and self-centredness. The time after a baby is born is often the lonliness time a woman will ever experience in her life. Oh, I agree 100% about that! But most replies focus too much on this point and totally ignore the emotional support that a child needs from TWO parents. We are not talking about someone who's raising a child without a father due to unforeseen circumstances, but someone who planned that her child will bever have a father! Congratulations to all these "compassionate" posters!

I agree. If I'd wanted a child, I wouldn't have tried for one, because raising it alone would simply not have been possible - lowish income, rent to pay, who the hell would have looked after it? Not something I'd have inflicted either on the child or myself, and I certainly wouldn't have expected my mother to get involved with child-rearing all over again, that would have been utterly unreasonable.

Do you have a source for the 90% figure? My understanding is that the live birth rate from frozen eggs is about 18%.