To feel that supportive relationships are a form of privilege

[Brood]

I got my operation for my third round of egg retrieval about ten days ago. Unfortunately, there was an extremely rare complication where they could only access one of my ovaries and I ended up needing extra tests due to something that went wrong during the procedure. I felt devastated as I had no awareness this could even happen. I knew immediately when I woke up that something had gone wrong because the pad I was lying on contained a lot of blood which I had never seen on previous occasions and there was a very sombre atmosphere and lots of waiting.

The explanation I got was that our internal body parts are constantly moving around and sometimes they move out of reach. This resulted in me going home with all the mature eggs still in one of my ovaries.

Afterwards I was extremely swollen and sore and bleeding for days. But since then, the swelling hasn’t gone down - I look about 6 months pregnant - feel exhausted, unwell, I feel overly full after eating, headachey, my breasts are very tender, and I’m starting to wonder if something else has gone wrong. I don’t know if anyone has any experience with this process. I just remember the recovery time being pretty quick and straight forward previously, but then I never went home with all my eggs still inside one of my ovaries before.

The other thing is this has been having an impact on my mood. I felt super alone watching couples in the waiting room of the fertility clinic, seeing men arrive to pick up their partners, men in the waiting room (I hate seeing men in the waiting room - it feels so triggering). Everyone in my workplace is engaged or happily married and while I love my own company, I’m starting to wonder what am I missing that I can’t find anyone who wants to be with me. There’s a podcast I listen to and the speaker talks about her struggles but she has a very supportive partner, according to her she has perfect kids that she easily got pregnant with & a solid family and even a very supportive ex partner. I don’t think people like this can truly understand how life is when you don’t have any support. I listen to her talk about how difficult life is but I wonder does she get how privileged she is.. She has never had to do anything alone.

Part of the definition of privilege is that privileged people don’t know they have it. I wonder how well people giving advice to others would do without the security of knowing they are loved and of having that solid support system behind them. This woman talks about privilege all the time without ever recognising her own. Are people really taking a risk by speaking vulnerably or counter culturally when they have a band of cheerleaders behind them who all think the same?

My work colleagues have the privilege of soaring self confidence knowing they have been accepted and loved in their long term relationships . I see how their partners bring their cars to be serviced, pack them lunch and do the grocery shopping for them, pay half or all of the rent, drive them on trips, help coordinate their schedule, make them dinner, make them feel special on their birthdays. Good for them, but they cannot have any idea of what it’s like to need to be everything for yourself all the time, to have to do the work of all those supporting roles alone. I wish the world would recognise this privilege. I know these are two different subjects, but they’re kind of the same. I don’t have anyone in the waiting room or at home, or to do my shopping or make me dinner or look after me. I am trying to figure out how to have a baby alone, buy a house alone, build a career alone. I often have to take annual leave because I have no one to call on for little things like getting my car serviced. A few months ago, I couldn’t drive due to an operation and I had no support at all with basic daily needs. My work colleagues take for granted that support is there. There are just millions of little ways having a support system makes life so much easier, and anyone who has that is truly privileged.

I am often judged for not having everything in order but I’m juggling everything myself. We all don’t have the same hours in the day as Beyonce when Beyonce has a team of people who take loads off her and free up plenty of extra time. I am judged for trying to figure out who is worth dating while my colleagues have extremely high standards because they’ve been lucky enough to have been loved that way. I feel I have done more work on myself than most and unfortunately, things still don’t work out & people with good supporting partners and families are blind to how much more smoothly their life runs because of other people and have so little insight into that privilege

Am I being unreasonable to feel so isolated in feeling that no one understands this?

Plenty of us who are in the same position have replied, I'm one of them! Life is what you make it, feeling sorry for yourself changes nothing.

People lead very complex lives. It is utterly nonsensical to look from the outside and see ‘privilege’ - you have no idea of the financial, emotional, mental struggles that people are going through. I look ‘privileged’ from the outside but have suffered terrible family tragedy - my pain is no less than yours.

As for the ‘doting’ husbands - they’re few and far between. If my husband helps me with the car, it’s more than made up for by the times I help him out by picking him up at the station, ironing his shirt last minute, socialising with his dull sports friends. Relationships are a two way street.

I’m sorry you’re sad and that your IVF hasn’t gone well. But none of it will get better by resenting others; much better to do that old fashioned thing of ‘counting your blessings’ and focusing on yourself.

YABVVU. I think the word 'privilege' is terribly overused anyway, and this ludicrous post proves my point. Everyone is in a race to the bottom to be the most hard done by and least 'privileged.' If you are dumb enough to deliberately undertake single parenthood, that's on you.

I agree. OP- you are very privileged to be able to have IVF- I know couples that cannot afford it after they've exhausted their NHS go.

Is it a privilege to find a supportive partner? I now have one but that was after many, many shitty relationships and me having to rule out many unsuitable men first due to red flags. Thats hardly privilege and more of a "my criteria and standards were non negotiable".

If you are going to define everything as privilege then you must admit to your many privileges too I'm afraid.

So sorry for what you're going to. IVF is a very gruelling process, I've done many rounds myself and it's so isolating even with a supportive spouse. If I were single though, I would still do it to be a mom.

On another note, it is extremely rare that they couldn't find your ovary. It happened to me once (out of many rounds) and the clinic offered a discounted round instead because they didn't know why it happened. I was sore for about a week when other times I'm back to normal after a day or two. Maybe you can discuss this with your doctor. Sometimes, it's the bowel (constipation) blocking the view of an ovary.

It is true that to find a good, supportive spouse is a blessing. It is hard to find that special someone to spend your life with, I was single for many years before finding my spouse when many of my friends were already married. Although most of the times, it's nobody's fault, some people find love so easily and quickly, and others may try hard to find and can't find.

You're very brave to do this on your own and should be proud of yourself, keep your eyes on your goal which is having your baby.

OP, I mean this in the nicest way, but you need to stop adopting this awful americanised way of thinking. Other people aren’t privileged just because they have something you don’t, you have no idea of the inner workings of their lives. I had a very abusive dad and was abused as a toddler, but I don’t think everyone who wasn’t abused by their dad is privileged, because that’s setting myself up as a victim, which I know seems to be a very popular thing to do these days, but it’s so unhealthy. Why dwell on things you don’t have and paint yourself as some kind of helpless victim, when instead you can focus on what you do have? Or you can put your energy into getting the things you want. What you are is envious, that’s all, because you’d like what you perceive others to have. Own it, don’t project it.

I wish you the best with IVF, I’m sure it must be taking a toll on you.

Op don’t why people are giving you a hard time, of course having a supportive network around you is a form of privilege, good fortune, or whatever else you want to call it. Even being able to afford afford ivf cannot replicate the benefits of it.
Good luck with your ivf and I wish you well for your future.

I totally get where you are coming from OP. I do see having a supportive partner as a privilege. I'm sorry that you are going through so much on your own. I would say that for many many women their male partner makes their lives more difficult rather than easier, especially when they have children.

I didn’t say I felt sorry for myself, I stated my position, which incidentally is not the same as yours, and said I’m bloody exhausted.

Who's forcing you to take the time consuming and difficult path of IVF and single parenthood? You have the privilege of doing so. Having a child isn't a right.

Having a child is definitely not a right!

I personally find it a little selfish as it's mainly about a parent's desire for a baby and not about the happiness of the child born without two parents.

@Beezknees

But that's not an ideal situation, surely it would have been better if the father stayed in your child's life and also supported you? Just because it's doable doesn't mean it's what's best for the child when this person is getting IVF to get pregnant and wants it. It's not an accidental baby or there's a breakup she's entering into this with no one. The studies are all there about how a single parent household can damage a child

I don't think there's anything to be gained by defining this as 'privilege'.

Anyone who lives in the developed world and has enough to eat and clean water is privileged- how does it help to then recategorise everyone who lives there in order of privilege?

It is indeed lucky to have a lovely supportive partner. But, most people's partnerships are complex, not always lovely and people aren't bots to satisfy the needs of another. My husband was mostly lovely, mostly supportive, I had the children and he died and I'm now a lone parent.

That's not a privilege, but I also recognise that I'm luckier than those who, say, were widowed but didn't have the opportunities to have a career, which I have and on which my children now financially depend.

I do get how it's easy to look at other people's lives though and wish you had that. I do too. I'd love my husband back, but that's not going to happen. It's hard to make your peace with that. I think you need therapeutic support and a great community of people who get it around you, I hope you find that.

I agree. If I'd wanted a child, I wouldn't have tried for one, because raising it alone would simply not have been possible - lowish income, rent to pay, who the hell would have looked after it? Not something I'd have inflicted either on the child or myself

Yes, it's hard enough to raise a child with a supportive partner! It's really not fair on the child imo

I agree that a relationship that is truly mutually supportive is an advantage in life, but how many relationships truly fit that category?

No one has a right to have a child.

No one has a right to a relationship.

Sometimes these things make life a lot better and sometimes they make life a lot harder. You might conceive and have a child who is severely disabled, for whom you will be the sole carer. You might never conceive but meet a brilliant partner in ten years time. You cannot control life and you cannot compare with other people’s lives.

Like it or not, the best environment for a child is to be born to a mother and a father who are married to one another and financially stable. It’s not trendy, but it’s true.

A baby won't fix that emotional void. They're just as likely to make the gulf feel even greater - especially when they aren't a baby anymore and need to have experience and meaningful relationships with others.

I understand the drive to have something that you think has to love you and need you and want you when nobody else does. But it doesn't work out that way once they start having independent thoughts. They don't always want you, they might not even like you, especially if they sense you trying to restrict them to make up for gaps in your own emotional health and resilience as they get older.

I believe that you need to be far more emotionally healthy to embark upon fertility treatment than you are right now. And that's an awful place to be in when IVF is difficult, traumatic, risky and still not guaranteed to work.

I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time, OP. But you are confusing the concepts of privilege and luck. While having privilege is a form of luck, it’s very different.

Of course it's not an ideal situation and not one I'd recommend others follow if they have the option. It's not impossible is what I'm saying, but you do need to have a lot of resilience.

It is a privilege to have supportive people in your life, yes. Friends, family, not everyone has that. And yes, it's tough doing it all alone. People recognising it won't change that though.

I think it's a privilege to be able to afford IVF. Or meet the very stringent threshold to get IVF (which I was turned away from because I'd had a miscarriage which apparently meant I'd been pregnant and so wouldn't meet their criteria despite identified fertility issues).

I hope things work out for you. But I think there's a lot that we probably all should be grateful for , that others don't have. And having a partner is one of many things that could be seen as a 'privilege'

You sound very self pitying. God that’s life, some people have a partner, some don’t, some are billionaires, some scraps by. Using words like privilege and triggering in relation to this seems a little extreme.

It’s worrying that you’re feeling like this before you’ve had a baby, OP. Life is going to get harder for you when your baby arrives in terms of tiredness and needing support. What sort of support do you have?

I used to think similarly so I do sympathise, although I also recognised at the time that I was being unreasonable. I have a husband now and he's a great person but apparently no amount of packed lunches is going to take away my crippling anxiety or low self-esteem.

If you don’t have a single person to help you I would honestly rethink having a child.

People single parent all the time through circumstances but honestly it will be rough. It’s not ideal for a child to have nobody but you, especially not if your choosing to put both of you in that position.