To feel that supportive relationships are a form of privilege

[Brood]

I got my operation for my third round of egg retrieval about ten days ago. Unfortunately, there was an extremely rare complication where they could only access one of my ovaries and I ended up needing extra tests due to something that went wrong during the procedure. I felt devastated as I had no awareness this could even happen. I knew immediately when I woke up that something had gone wrong because the pad I was lying on contained a lot of blood which I had never seen on previous occasions and there was a very sombre atmosphere and lots of waiting.

The explanation I got was that our internal body parts are constantly moving around and sometimes they move out of reach. This resulted in me going home with all the mature eggs still in one of my ovaries.

Afterwards I was extremely swollen and sore and bleeding for days. But since then, the swelling hasn’t gone down - I look about 6 months pregnant - feel exhausted, unwell, I feel overly full after eating, headachey, my breasts are very tender, and I’m starting to wonder if something else has gone wrong. I don’t know if anyone has any experience with this process. I just remember the recovery time being pretty quick and straight forward previously, but then I never went home with all my eggs still inside one of my ovaries before.

The other thing is this has been having an impact on my mood. I felt super alone watching couples in the waiting room of the fertility clinic, seeing men arrive to pick up their partners, men in the waiting room (I hate seeing men in the waiting room - it feels so triggering). Everyone in my workplace is engaged or happily married and while I love my own company, I’m starting to wonder what am I missing that I can’t find anyone who wants to be with me. There’s a podcast I listen to and the speaker talks about her struggles but she has a very supportive partner, according to her she has perfect kids that she easily got pregnant with & a solid family and even a very supportive ex partner. I don’t think people like this can truly understand how life is when you don’t have any support. I listen to her talk about how difficult life is but I wonder does she get how privileged she is.. She has never had to do anything alone.

Part of the definition of privilege is that privileged people don’t know they have it. I wonder how well people giving advice to others would do without the security of knowing they are loved and of having that solid support system behind them. This woman talks about privilege all the time without ever recognising her own. Are people really taking a risk by speaking vulnerably or counter culturally when they have a band of cheerleaders behind them who all think the same?

My work colleagues have the privilege of soaring self confidence knowing they have been accepted and loved in their long term relationships . I see how their partners bring their cars to be serviced, pack them lunch and do the grocery shopping for them, pay half or all of the rent, drive them on trips, help coordinate their schedule, make them dinner, make them feel special on their birthdays. Good for them, but they cannot have any idea of what it’s like to need to be everything for yourself all the time, to have to do the work of all those supporting roles alone. I wish the world would recognise this privilege. I know these are two different subjects, but they’re kind of the same. I don’t have anyone in the waiting room or at home, or to do my shopping or make me dinner or look after me. I am trying to figure out how to have a baby alone, buy a house alone, build a career alone. I often have to take annual leave because I have no one to call on for little things like getting my car serviced. A few months ago, I couldn’t drive due to an operation and I had no support at all with basic daily needs. My work colleagues take for granted that support is there. There are just millions of little ways having a support system makes life so much easier, and anyone who has that is truly privileged.

I am often judged for not having everything in order but I’m juggling everything myself. We all don’t have the same hours in the day as Beyonce when Beyonce has a team of people who take loads off her and free up plenty of extra time. I am judged for trying to figure out who is worth dating while my colleagues have extremely high standards because they’ve been lucky enough to have been loved that way. I feel I have done more work on myself than most and unfortunately, things still don’t work out & people with good supporting partners and families are blind to how much more smoothly their life runs because of other people and have so little insight into that privilege

Am I being unreasonable to feel so isolated in feeling that no one understands this?

I get it op. I had a lovely husband for 20 years and I was lucky during those years to have that support. Life is harder without him since he died. I wasn't lucky to have a good mum though. I'd love to have had that.

I get that you're frustrated and tired, OP, I really do. But at some point I think you have to play the cards you're dealt with and try to stop comparing yourself to other people.

You're hugely privileged compared to someone sleeping rough with nowhere to call their own, or compared to a woman in a coercive, abusive relationship. You're privileged compared to a woman who struggles to feed her children and is going without food herself in order to do so. You're privileged compared to a woman with mental health issues having to care for two elderly parents with no state assistance and dwindling financial resources. You get the idea - we love in an unfair world and IME, comparison is the thief of joy. I have a supportive, wonderful partner, but I've had to come to terms with some truths about other areas of my life that haven't worked out as I hoped, and I sometimes feel bitterly jealous of other women whose circumstances have planned out differently. But where will that get me? At a certain point, (I think) you have to accept that life isn't fair and not all of that is systemic, institutional privilege but simply the way humankind works.

The OP is being perfectly kind to herself. It’s other women she isn’t being very kind to.

Resenting other people for having a partner while choosing to go through IVF alone is not a good look. She knows bugger all about the lives of the women she deems privileged but has already decided that they have it easy.

I am fortunate to have a brilliant partner, and I’m very aware of that. What am I supposed to do? Apologise for it? Hide him away in case it’s ’triggering’ for single people?

Mean responses. Apart from anything else, IVF treatment completely upends your hormones, so you might be feeling very sensitive and sorry for yourself in the way that some women do during PMT.

And anyway, you are right. It is very lonely having a child on your own, surrounded by apparently happy couples or people with supportive parents. It is a kind of privilege - an advantage they have and take for granted, over those who don't have it.

Sorry if this sounds dismissive - I really don't intend it to be, but the best thing you can do is treat yourself as the most perfect partner would. Make sure you have healthy food, plenty of rest, cosy PJs, nice films to watch or novels and magazines to read while you recuperate. Chase the IVF clinic team if you are concerned about over-stimulation or any other concern related to the failed egg retrieval. Allow yourself to feel upset and a bit fragile. It is a very stressful time that people who haven't done it can't really fathom. Ignore the harsh comments. Your feelings are completely understandable.

Wow, a lot of very harsh comments, considering they have no idea of your full circumstances

But the OP also has no idea of the full circumstances of the women she’s calling ‘privileged’.

I'm so sorry you're obviously going through a very difficult time, but with respect life isn't a race to the bottom. It's very unfair of you to assume that people who have things that you don't are simply more privileged than you, take those things for granted, aren't even aware they have those things, and therefore have no right to speak about difficulty or hardship. Doesn't mean they've never felt or been alone, never struggled or suffered or felt hardship.

But using your own logic, you have the absolute privilege of being able to access the incredible technology of IVF to conceive a child, even without having a partner. Do you know how many hundreds of thousands of women could only dream of such a thing? Therefore you have no right to discuss, bemoan or give advice on fertility difficulties, because there are so many women in the world who have it worse than you. You are taking it for granted and instead of being grateful that you have this incredible privilege, you're complaining because you're doing it alone.

Do you see why that simply doesn't work, and is in fact quite a nasty thing to say to or about someone?

No one is saying that OP can't feel sad but half of the post is talking about how much easier other people have it and how privileged they are. It's not necessarily going to incite sympathy.

'Privileged' has become a modern buzzword like 'shaming' and it's so bloody overused.

Basically, anyone who has something that someone else doesn't is now 'privileged'.

OP if I were you I'd hide the thread or ask for it to be deleted. It sounds like things are getting on top of you and the outraged responses here won't help you. For some reason some people hate being told they are lucky. I know I was very lucky to have a lovely dh for twenty years until he died.

I'm going to hide it as the outraged people will turn on me now 😀

I’m married and completely agree. Having a supportive partner is a source of privilege.

In a patriarchy, being married as a woman also confers status. It’s why women change their name to their husband’s. It increases wealth, another source of privilege.

The people screeching are upset because they mistakenly believe having privilege in one area means your life is easy or without struggle. Nobody is being ‘beaten with the stick’ of privilege, how absolutely absurd.

I’m sorry things are hard at the moment. I was single for a long time; there are amazing things about it and it can also be extremely difficult.

I get it OP.

I think privilege was the wrong choice of word, but I do agree that having a good support system - be that a partner, loving healthy and involved parents or even just a strong friendship group - makes life so much easier.

I'm hope you manage to build a little village around yourself and, although it's not what you would have chosen, find a way to enjoy some of the positive aspects of not being in a relationship.

And what are we, as women, doing to challenge that? As a married woman, what title do you go by? And surely marriage has the capacity to increase wealth for both parties?

I totally get you. I feel immensely privileged to have a supportive partner. Some of that was good picking but some also just luck I suppose as well.
good luck with your journey

YABU for wanting to bring a child into this world alone and at the same time complaining about being a single parent to be. Trust me, there’s along more loneliness and resentment to come once the baby does arrive. I also think it’s a bit selfish to have a child when you are already so alone. It does mean the baby will also suffer that same isolation until they are able to find their own support network.

YANBU to feel lonely and underprivileged for not having a support system. Everyone needs love and care and support. If not from a partner, then from family or close friends.

I hope you do find it some day. Whether that be from a partner or elsewhere. Maybe even from the baby you’re trying to conceive. Life is meant to be shared with others.

I can understand why you’re feeling this way right now. 💐 Becoming a single parent is hard, do you have support from family and/or friends? Do consider this as you move forward, you’ll need support when you have a baby.

I do get what you're saying. Having a supportive partner makes a world of difference to your quality of life. It's exhausting, lonely and depressing to not have anyone there for you. Especially as you get older.

@KreedKafer I never said she did, or that she is right in her assumptions. But criticising someone for making assumptions, whilst simultaneously assuming stuff about them isn’t very constructive or emotionally intelligent.

I am one of the people she is describing and she is correct about me in the sense that I have it easier going through all this with a committed partner. I do feel privileged in many areas she describes. That makes me feel empathy for her… not anger. So what if she thinks I’m blindly privileged. I know what I have and how aware and grateful I am for it every day.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Im
not interested in being horrible to her because she’s being horrible to others. I’m interested in understanding what’s going on, and offering something constructive… something kind.

If you think she’s such a monster you should read that quote abut monsters… When dealing with monsters, be careful you don’t become one yourself.

What a nasty thread. OP, ignore them, some people can’t see beyond the end of their nose.

OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this alone.

I hope you come through this (with a baby or not) with health and happiness.

Could not disagree more!

This is a real pile on, AIBU is not the place if your looking for support during ivf. You will get very direct responses from people who have really been through it

please have a look around at other boards to find the support you are looking for

YABU. You have no idea of what is going on behind the façade of any one else’s relationships or fertility struggles.

Being in a relationship of any form does not denote “privilege”. Closed doors and all that.

I’m sure you have your reasons for going this alone and there not seeming to be a partner involved and they’re just that - your reasons. It doesn’t mean anyone else’s situation is any more or less privileged. You simply don’t know and nor do we.

Exactly. All of the things OP has said have been said many times before. Two income households have a security that single income households don’t. Having someone to take care of you when you’re sick is so comforting. And yet OP is being attacked for calling that a privilege.

If DH left, I’d have to do everything on a single income, which is pretty scary.

Agree.

OP - two things:

The only thing any of us has in our power to change or to improve is our perspective.

We only see the surface of anyone else's life.

Also, unless your HCPs told you to expect the symptoms you're now experiencing, please go back to the hospital or clinic to be checked.