To feel that supportive relationships are a form of privilege

[Brood]

I got my operation for my third round of egg retrieval about ten days ago. Unfortunately, there was an extremely rare complication where they could only access one of my ovaries and I ended up needing extra tests due to something that went wrong during the procedure. I felt devastated as I had no awareness this could even happen. I knew immediately when I woke up that something had gone wrong because the pad I was lying on contained a lot of blood which I had never seen on previous occasions and there was a very sombre atmosphere and lots of waiting.

The explanation I got was that our internal body parts are constantly moving around and sometimes they move out of reach. This resulted in me going home with all the mature eggs still in one of my ovaries.

Afterwards I was extremely swollen and sore and bleeding for days. But since then, the swelling hasn’t gone down - I look about 6 months pregnant - feel exhausted, unwell, I feel overly full after eating, headachey, my breasts are very tender, and I’m starting to wonder if something else has gone wrong. I don’t know if anyone has any experience with this process. I just remember the recovery time being pretty quick and straight forward previously, but then I never went home with all my eggs still inside one of my ovaries before.

The other thing is this has been having an impact on my mood. I felt super alone watching couples in the waiting room of the fertility clinic, seeing men arrive to pick up their partners, men in the waiting room (I hate seeing men in the waiting room - it feels so triggering). Everyone in my workplace is engaged or happily married and while I love my own company, I’m starting to wonder what am I missing that I can’t find anyone who wants to be with me. There’s a podcast I listen to and the speaker talks about her struggles but she has a very supportive partner, according to her she has perfect kids that she easily got pregnant with & a solid family and even a very supportive ex partner. I don’t think people like this can truly understand how life is when you don’t have any support. I listen to her talk about how difficult life is but I wonder does she get how privileged she is.. She has never had to do anything alone.

Part of the definition of privilege is that privileged people don’t know they have it. I wonder how well people giving advice to others would do without the security of knowing they are loved and of having that solid support system behind them. This woman talks about privilege all the time without ever recognising her own. Are people really taking a risk by speaking vulnerably or counter culturally when they have a band of cheerleaders behind them who all think the same?

My work colleagues have the privilege of soaring self confidence knowing they have been accepted and loved in their long term relationships . I see how their partners bring their cars to be serviced, pack them lunch and do the grocery shopping for them, pay half or all of the rent, drive them on trips, help coordinate their schedule, make them dinner, make them feel special on their birthdays. Good for them, but they cannot have any idea of what it’s like to need to be everything for yourself all the time, to have to do the work of all those supporting roles alone. I wish the world would recognise this privilege. I know these are two different subjects, but they’re kind of the same. I don’t have anyone in the waiting room or at home, or to do my shopping or make me dinner or look after me. I am trying to figure out how to have a baby alone, buy a house alone, build a career alone. I often have to take annual leave because I have no one to call on for little things like getting my car serviced. A few months ago, I couldn’t drive due to an operation and I had no support at all with basic daily needs. My work colleagues take for granted that support is there. There are just millions of little ways having a support system makes life so much easier, and anyone who has that is truly privileged.

I am often judged for not having everything in order but I’m juggling everything myself. We all don’t have the same hours in the day as Beyonce when Beyonce has a team of people who take loads off her and free up plenty of extra time. I am judged for trying to figure out who is worth dating while my colleagues have extremely high standards because they’ve been lucky enough to have been loved that way. I feel I have done more work on myself than most and unfortunately, things still don’t work out & people with good supporting partners and families are blind to how much more smoothly their life runs because of other people and have so little insight into that privilege

Am I being unreasonable to feel so isolated in feeling that no one understands this?

I posted too soon, I was going to add that you may also like to read this article from Wait But Why about finding a life partner; https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html One of the main points the author makes is that: “Dissatisfied single people should actually consider themselves in a neutral, fairly hopeful position, compared to what their situation could be.”

And this excerpt from an interview with Elizabeth Day about the story she’d been telling herself in relation to if her IVF had been successful: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5Sn9Jxvd3M/?igsh=M2lobWY2YW1jN2Z4 I’d say you’re telling yourself a story about all the positives associated with having a partner but a quick read of the Mumsnet relationships section would show you that not all relationships turn out like that!

Good luck with your IVF, I hope it works out for you and you start feeling better soon.

I know what you mean OP. I feel lucky to have my DH and he feels the same. There are particular times where we really appreciate that we have each other and feel lucky to have met each other. As you say its things like if you’re feeling poorly there’s someone there to check in on you and get you a cuppa etc…

What I think people don’t realise, is how important having stable and good parents is. I look at other people and I think I wish I had that, but instead I’ve got an abusive dad who I’m NC and my poor man drank herself in to oblivion because he was so hard work. My point is, having supportive family and partner isn’t something everyone has. Some people have no one to rely on whereas others have lots of people and that in itself is a fortunate position to be in. So I hear what you’re saying.

I completely understand what you're saying. I was reading the initial responses agog. I'm a single mum to 3 children, 2 with additional needs, and I often look at the people around me in good relationships and think that they have it easier. Now, I've been in a very abusive relationship so I know that things may be different behind closed doors. When I take the children on holiday and hear couples arguing, I feel relieved that it's not my holiday being ruined whilst I sip my wine. I had plenty of holidays ruined.
I guess what I'm saying is, it would be nice to have some support. I always look at my sister with some envy at her perfect house, husband and shared money. I never even got to the marriage stage (thank f*ck).
I feel for my children for having such a lousy dad and I wish that I could have done things a lot differently but I'm getting by and hope for a better day in the future. I know my children adore me and will respect me when they're older. Hats off to you! I hope you find your happiness.

The grass isn’t always greener….

You sound very lonely.

Loneliness can be extremely painful and debilitating. It’s a mistake to believe that everyone in a relationship, or with children, is happy and not lonely. But leaving that aside, it can feel that everything around us is about family and friends and everything being easy when you have that.

I think you are very courageous to go down the path you have chosen, to have a child on your own. Whatever happens you will face many challenges. I wish you well.

This.

I was far lonelier in my years as a married mum than I ever was in my years as a single one.

Ah OP. Hoping you don’t come back to this thread as I don’t think it’ll help you. And I hope you’re feeling a bit better very soon.

I do see what you mean, but also why some PPs are taking umbrage. Simply not comparing and doing what you can to make each day (sometimes hour) better is the way forward I think.

I had it easy for a bit - a wonderful loving husband, two easily conceived DC, stable family background (though I did lose a sibling as a child). I’ve now been widowed and lone parenting for 7.5 years, and eldest is ND and EXHAUSTS me. Life has been set on hard mode for over 10 years since DH’s surprise terminal cancer diagnosis.

Being resentful of those who still have what I briefly had is no help at all. What does help is finding ways to snatch moments of peace, and building connections with friends. What makes you feel better, even if it’s just a bit? Do those things instead xx

I'm sorry you're lonely. It doesn't sound like you have friends either when you talk about having no support. I recommend getting some friends. They'll bring a lot to your life. If they're married they'll also burst this idea you have that all relationships are perfect! They're not. 'Soaring self confidence' just because you have a fella is utter tosh. I've never felt more confident than I did when I dumped my partner and knew I could do it alone... You are talking codswallop.

I also wouldn't embark on single parenthood personally. Different if that's how circumstances play out but you are making a choice to do this. I could've done the same but absolutely did not want to. Parenthood is not compulsory.

No matter our life circumstances we all have problems and fortunes. My problem may be minuscule to someone else, but it is still my problem and I think it is rude when people tell you not to feel a certain way because “I should be grateful”. At the same time there are things in my life I am forever grateful for.

Nobody has the same path. Our life are a mixture of choices and circumstances - some in our control and some beyond our control.

You have many privileges- for starters, access to health care; clearly income for IVF ;(many can’t even afford this option); I’m guessing you might work? Maybe you have a roof over your head - you have privileges. But you clearly also have parts in your life that may feel unfair and unlucky.

It sounds like you’ve chosen to do this alone. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors and the layers of someone’s life.

Please don’t compare your life. I really hope you get the medical help that you need. I’m guessing you will go through IVF, but please find some find to build a community around you so that you are not alone. It is difficult raising children alone. You may not need or want a man, but work on solid female friends.

Em, then go out, attempt to spend some years finding a decent partner and see how privileged you feel.
A few years later, you'll either give up for a while or have found someone who's somewhat trying with you. And then the hard work begins.
Those falling into the relationship you described with no effort, incredibly rare

Yabu re privilege- whilst I agree that people have advantages, through luck usually, and these things feel unfair - I think that the current use which has been academically driven and ideologically abused is not good for anyone's mindset imo.

Absolutely this. Good fortune or advantage or luck are all "privilege" now, which always carries the implication that there is something the person in question should do to, essentially, apologise for having it. The word has its appropriate applications, but this isn't one of them - especially seeing how shit relationships often are for women, and how we're socialised to put on a smiling face and think it's our own fault when men are abusive or just lousy partners.

Wow just wow that’s all I’m going to say I will let someone else explain the irony of your post because I have neither the time nor the crayons to want to explain it to you.

You don’t know what’s going on in their lives, you are only seeing a short preview.

To many people you are privileged, having the chance to go through multiple rounds of IVF. Not everyone is able to do that. You’ve chosen to do this.

You are already complaining about not having a partner, how will you feel if you have a baby?

I hear you too same over here. I’m the only single one in my entire workplace & im so tired of hearing about their smugly happy marriages & doting husbands & their regular holidays together.
Having said that men are annoying and there’s a lot I don’t miss 😄

Agree.

Goodness, I think some of these responses are a bit harsh. I think everyone has all kinds of privileges and hardships. It's okay to feel sad about what you don't have, even if you're privileged in other ways. I'm sorry you're struggling, and that the op didn't go as planned. That sounds like a lot.

Have you heard of the podcast Not By Accident? The presenter takes you through her whole journey of conceiving her daughter as a single woman, and it's fantastic - open, honest and so full of heart.

Firstly, contact the IVF people. Make sure that you don’t have hyperstimulation. It can be a problem.
secondly, privilege was the wrong word, but even with that, you don’t know if anyone else goes home to a partner that beats them or belittles or controls them. What you see in public is not the whole story. Sometimes the grass is not greener. Gently, maybe you need to step back and work on your headspace before you go again. Make sure that you’re deciding to go it alone for the right reasons. It’s a big decision made on behalf of your future child. And I say this as a fully supportive mother of a daughter who has gone down this track and a proud grandmother of her offspring.

I can't believe some of the responses OP. People are being awful to you. I'm one of those 'privileged' people you're talking about. I have great friends, a loving husband, close family relationships and two wonderful children. I'm not outraged that you've called me privileged, I recognise how fortunate I am and grateful for it.

I did suffer infertility for many years before I had my children so I do know how tough fertility treatment is and it must be so difficult to go through it alone. Good luck on your treatment and I agree with a pp that if you are anxious about the symptoms you're having you should see someone to get checked out.

I can somewhat relate to your experience, OP. I was in a fairly supportive relationship, then he left me, then I spent many years completely alone while dealing with chronic illness and major depression. Then more recently I found an amazing supportive partner. I’m not going to get into the debate of whether ‘privilege’ is the right word, but I’m very aware of how lucky I am. I’m also aware that things could change at any time. As others have said, it’s all relative. And it’s far, far better to be free and single than to be in an unhappy, unsupportive or abusive relationship.

I don’t think it’s healthy for you to be resentful of others for their perceived privileges, when you have no idea of what they might be dealing with behind closed doors. The only way I got through a nightmare 12ish years of loneliness and illness was by practising radical acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to like the way things are. It just means acknowledging that things are the way they are, accepting what you can’t change and letting go of your perception of how things ‘should’ be. This can free you up to take positive action on the things that you can change. Negative emotions are helpful for telling us where changes are needed in our lives, but focusing on them will get you nowhere.

I have a supportive husband… now.

I spent years on my own as a single mum, after divorcing his dad when he was 3. We lived on a tiny budget, and I often ate cereal for meals so I could afford good food for my son.

When I married again, we had a child with additional needs. It has been a constant battle to get her what she needs.

On the surface, I might seem like my life is pretty darn perfect, and it feels that way to me now, because I’ve learnt that without gratitude for what I have, life can be miserable.

Those people who seem privileged to you may have gone through hard times too.

Try to dwell on your own positives. You can afford IVF. You have a job. Do some stuff that takes you out of your comfort zone and makes you proud.

Sorry you’re getting a hard time on here.

One of the most over-used words, used to try and close off any discussion because not having 'privilege' puts you on moral high ground.

I'm not going through IVF - far too old and I never wanted children anyway - but I have to do everything else in my life alone. No partner, no parents, no siblings. It's just the way it is and I don't expect anyone else to "understand". I certainly don't think others are privileged if they have the things I don't. You chose your path, sorry but you have to deal with it without expecting others to gush over you.

With respect, why should I worry about your circumstances? They aren't relevant to me.
I've been with my husband for 20 years which has involved a lot of compromise and communication, and some (not many) hard times.
To make a longterm relationship work it takes effort. The companionship and support of my husband is the reward for that effort.

You have no one in your life whom you’re close to, you have to take annual leave for things like getting your car serviced - and you’re trying to get pregnant? It’s a lonely life for you and I think it’ll be a lonely life for a young child. You’ve got some substantial emotional needs that aren’t being filled, and your plan is to create another person and try to fill his or her emotional needs. What are you going to do if it’s a difficult pregnancy, or a long physical recovery after you give birth?

If just seeing couples at the fertility clinic is triggering for you, I don’t think you’re in a good place, mentally, to be getting pregnant.