DD wants to uninvite a girl from her party

[howtohabdle]

DD aged 8 is in a lovely little friendship group of 4 girls. One girl in the group has never invited DD to her party despite them being best friends. I just assumed she doesn’t have one. We invite her every year just for context. One of the girls from the class had a party today and DD came back excited saying “it’s X’s birthday next weekend am I going?” I told her we haven’t had an invite. She got upset and said all the girls from class are going. I re-assured her that sometimes there’s no space for all children. DD now wants to uninvite her which I discouraged but quite honestly I understand how she feels! I have invited her every year and to find out now she doesn’t invite my child. How nasty of the mum. Why accept our invite every year and not reciprocate.

how would you handle it? I’m thinking from next year not to invite her again. Funny thing is she is so warm when I see her at school events. I just assumed as she works full time in a highly stressful job and I never see her at drop offs and pick ups that she just doesn’t do parties.

We had this with my daughter, she is in a group of 5, all lovely girls. We and 2 others invited all of them. 1 doesn't have parties due to finances. 5th girl came into school upset saying to my daughter and 1 other of their group 'I'm not allowed you at my party as mummy is also inviting the parents to my party and she doesn't like yours'. The mum was using her daughters party as an excuse for an adults boozy bbq but telling her was her party.
Doesn't bother me at all that she doesn't like me, she is very snooty and puts other people down. But I was sad for my daughter, the birthday girl and the other excluded friend.
So I wonder if the mum has exerted influence on the invite list, and nothing to do with your daughters friend?

Oh fhs! It’s not minimising the feelings of a child, it’s helping them negotiate life without thinking every little thing revolves around them and teaching them to aim for the high ground no matter what everyone else is doing.

Doing the right thing is hard sometimes so the sooner they practice, the better! And it’s far better that children learn to make decisions based on common sense rather than feelings frankly. And if they have strong feelings, that they learn how to manage them.

Idk if I’d do this immediately. It is tempting if it happens. I think I’d give myself and dd some thinking time and not reply immediately. You can remove WhatsApp / instant message read receipts. Then come up with a plan. You can always take a while to respond and say thanks for the offer but no with above explanation. Or delay a while, thanks for the offer you made plans with another friend for x very nice thing but you’ve managed to move it so it’s a yes. I’d be governed by your dd if the invitation comes through.

Your blood pressure must be suffering - that’s ALOT of emotion.

Teaching children to expect reciprocal friendships is good parenting.

If dd wants to uninvite the girl then dd should be able to do this

I'm wondering how many posters here have uninvited an adult friend from a party or social event (for as minor a thing as not being invited to something they were holding).

In my five decades of adult life I have never heard of it happening, and if I did I'd think it incredibly rude and petulant of the uninviter.

It seems odd then to encourage a child to do something that is far more spiteful than the actionthat led to it (which might not even have been the uninvited child's choice)

I'm finding this thread bizarre.

I don’t see how asking the mother a blunt question would help though.

Why hasn’t my daughter been invited to the party?

We couldn’t afford to invite everyone sorry about that!

So then what? What does OP say? Does she demand her daughter be invited as she was invited to hers? Does she get angry and make a drama with the mother? Probably alienating her daughter further from the friendship group?

I see it as putting a boundary in place. The lack of invite 2 years in a row without explanation and especially as the 2 girls are in a friendship group and many children have declined, is the passive aggressive stance.

Please don’t text Mum. Gently, it could be that this girl doesn’t see as close a friendship as your DD does - friends and groups change a lot at this age and perhaps this other child has given her mum her invite list and not wanted to invite her. It happens, it’s rough but it’s something everyone goes through during school.
At your DD party maybe watch how they’re interacting? And if the friendship has just run its course or something then let it come to a gradual end; don’t text the Mum and make it awkward. It’s a horrid learning experience for kids but one so many go through!

Aww it’s so naff when your child is sad/hurt/upset you feel it 200% more some mums are just cockwombles on the day of the party take your little girl on a treat day and spoil her 😊

@titchy wrote the perfect message early in this thread.

Really good idea to send a message so DD doesn’t become a doormat. You aren’t being “petty” you are being assertive and that’s allowed.

I wouldn't withdraw the invitation if it's already been sent though I certainly would feel like doing it. But absolutely wouldn't invite this child to anything ever again. I wouldn't hold a sleepover excluding this girl on the party night. But I'd have one a few weeks later.

There’s no need to put “a boundary in place” here whatever the hell that means. The two children obviously are not as close as OP and her daughter thinks. Sometimes that happens in life, it can be hard, it can be upsetting but OP needs to teach and help her child to navigate these situations.

When you see her at the next party mention her daughter’s. Say you heard she is also having one soon and ask what she is doing. Then reference your DD’s party. You’ll be letting her know you’re aware your daughter hasn’t been invited but are gracious enough to still invite hers, and it will be interesting to see whether she squirms uncomfortably or carries on regardless with no embarrassment.

Just leave it. You can't uninvite a child. Your daughter will enjoy her party with her three best friends this year. Just make mental note for next year .. re the other party do something with your dd on the day.

This happened to my poor daughter. Small friendship group of 3 girls. The mum is a teacher at my DD’s school, she joined last sept after teacher training. My DD is a bright child and gets along with all the kids in class. Her class teachers call her a model pupil as she is bright, well behaved and kind. She is always asked to help new kids who join class during the school year settle in etc.

My DD’s friend had a birthday in Oct and called 5 times kids home, even though my DD is her best friend she was not invited. They live down the road from ours, so both live in catchment area. They rent, we have our own 5 bed detached home. I mention this as I was told later the mum who is a teacher doesn’t like my DD, reasons that it makes her DD jealous as we travel abroad twice a year, DD has nice things and we are comfortable off. But DD is grounded and a nice child. We work bloody hard to give her a good life and can’t be arsed with such judgement. My DD wanted to leave this child out from her birthday as she was so angry. But I said we will kill them with kindness so we invited her to my daughters birthday which was in November. The child came but with the dad and brought 2 siblings along without asking! Anyway they all enjoyed the party celebrations, cake and even got party bags as I had made extras. So some people have no problem accepting but don’t like to reciprocate.

“I’m sorry dd wants to uninvite your dd from her party , as she’s feeling really upset, hurt and left out because of your party and she’s questioning her friendship”

Why would you send this and put your dd in the firing line of any potential backlash?

You are also abdicating responsibility for how you as the parent are handling this situation.

Sorry but teaching our dds to be resilient no matter how others screw up is imho a far better solution.

I’ve copied and pasted but I think this one
'' Hi Betty, This is awkward but DD has come home upset as she thinks she's the only girl in the class not to be invited to X's Birthday. Ofcourse I've explained that sometimes it's not possible for everyone to be invited but hope you can understand DD feeling ostracised by this. Has something happened between the girls I'm not aware of?''
or this one
Hi Suzy. Bit of an awkward text I'm afraid, but I'd heard that Emily has invited all the girls in the class to her party next week. As Amy hasn't been included I wanted to check they hadn't had a falling out or something? Just to make sure there are no squabbles at Amy's birthday party. Hope you understand - girls eh?! Hope you and Dave are well.'

would possibly swap out the word ostracised for left out if you use the first one.

I wish I’d posted on here when it happened a few weeks ago with dd. Bit late now. Hope you’re ok @howtohabdle it’s so upsetting and like you I’ve been torn between wanting to stand up for dd but also not wanting to make things worse.

With the mother. Not the child. We obviously don’t agree and that’s fine by me… edit - as in we see this very differently, which is fine to not agree.

Nice humble brag there 🙈🤣🫢

Who exactly told you that the teacher “doesn’t like your daughter” because she’s bright and lives in a 5 bed detached house and has nice holidays.

Fucking hell I’ve heard it all now.

It’s interesting how this usually happens between girls. Boys seem to just get on with it, but this level of social politics happens so much earlier with girls, it’s so sad.

I feel very bad for you OP. When my daughter was in a small.primary school there were only 6 girls in her class, and one Mum invited all the other girls ( no boys) to her daughter's party and left my daughter out....she was the only one not invited. She was beside herself. It was awful . My daughter was(is) a kind, happy child.....( not just saying this), but it didn't get her anywhere. It took a lot out of her and really damaged her self esteem. I was so upset too. That was the catalyst for me getting her out of that school. So sad.

I'm a teacher and see this quite a lot. Sometimes the parents even try to get me involved, to find out why their child wasn't invited.

Usually it is one of four things :

1. Mean party child trying to exclude someone in the friendship group - their mum unaware that the uninvited person is even a friend at school.

1. Mean uninvited child. Party child is not treated well but endures it most of the time, but can exert some control when it's their own party. This causes a lot of upset when uninvited child's mum asks party mum why their child isn't invited - 'because she's a horrible bully.'

1. The two are not friends. This is heartbreaking. Only one of them thinks that they are friends.

I've seen huge fall-outs over this, between children and mums. But you can uninvite her, tactfully, without judging the other mum or her child, just matter-of-factly stating that your child is now aware of the party that she isn't invited to and no longer wants this child at her party.

Some parents are of the belief that their kids should invite and not invite exactly who they want to a party. While I get that they want their child to be happy, they are not teaching them to consider the feelings of others or checking who is left out. I’m a TA and when children come in to school giving out 10 invitations in a class of 24 , I get them to put them away and give them out with their parent after school. It’s horrible watching the faces of the uninvited and can really upset chn for the day. So my little push back to that is to let the parent see that at the school gate. It’s careless and thoughtless. I think maybe this girl is a bit jealous of your DD and doesn’t want any competition at her party. Bit of power play but her mum should know better.

It’s the exact opposite of lots of emotion. It’s helping children make decisions based on common sense and life’s realities rather than a sense of hurt which is possibly entirely misplaced.

The other mother may have issued the invitation to those dc who live closest or to dc who share an interest like dancing or riding. Or she may have budget restrictions. No one knows!

And my blood pressure is just fine thank you 😀

Boys seem to be a bit more honest. They are usually happy to tell someone why they're not invited, so there isn't all the subterfuge. They don't pretend to be friends with people they don't like or who are mean to them.