DD wants to uninvite a girl from her party

[howtohabdle]

DD aged 8 is in a lovely little friendship group of 4 girls. One girl in the group has never invited DD to her party despite them being best friends. I just assumed she doesn’t have one. We invite her every year just for context. One of the girls from the class had a party today and DD came back excited saying “it’s X’s birthday next weekend am I going?” I told her we haven’t had an invite. She got upset and said all the girls from class are going. I re-assured her that sometimes there’s no space for all children. DD now wants to uninvite her which I discouraged but quite honestly I understand how she feels! I have invited her every year and to find out now she doesn’t invite my child. How nasty of the mum. Why accept our invite every year and not reciprocate.

how would you handle it? I’m thinking from next year not to invite her again. Funny thing is she is so warm when I see her at school events. I just assumed as she works full time in a highly stressful job and I never see her at drop offs and pick ups that she just doesn’t do parties.

I'd send @titchy's message.

Are you sure she’s invited all the other girls? Have you had this from a grown up source? 8 year olds are not always reliable narrators.

Exactly like this. I'd definitely send it. There must be something that you're missing. It's too pointed to be casual unkindness unless the parents are total psychopaths.

@howtohabdle If literally ALL the girls are going, I’d definitely ask why?

When I was in Juniors parents let me invite the whole class apart from one troubled girl because they didn’t like her.
( In retrospect she was clearly being sexually abused from the things she said)

I appealed to parents to let her come to party and they relented- But the girl said she wasn’t allowed to come as she’d not been invited with the others.🙁

With the greatest respect and yes it’s easy for me to say this from my own arm chair while scranning on pizza but. When it comes to your children there’s no room for being a “coward”. Sometimes you have to speak out for them and be their voice and I agree with PP about speaking to the parents. No one is suggesting that you go all guns blazing ready to raise hell fire but you do need to be assertive. If every single girl in the whole class was invited and not your DD then that’s exclusion which comes under bullying.

Another vote for @titchy's approach.

Not necessarily ( see my post above yours)
My parents excluded a troubled child whom I really liked- It May well not be down to the little girl at all, but her mum?

My daughter is almost 13 now and we have and still do go through things like this. I always tell her once you invite someone to do anything it can't be retracted, just don't invite them next time.

its confirmed now not all the girls were invited. My friend looked at the WhatsApp message and said it’s most of the girls and boys from class but not all plus not everyone can make it as it’s half term so it’s ended up being only a handful,

..

The same girl had a party last year too and my DD was not invited. My friend just mentioned this. They had one last year and having one this year.

I still don’t know whether to send the text. I’m seeing her next weekend for another girls party then in 3 weeks for my DD party. What shall I do?

Thank you everyone for being here with me in thinking through this! I’m not very well right now if I’m being honest. I’ve had a bereavement and not totally feeling normal right now. No one knows about it as it’s a distant relative and not affecting my kids as they never met her but I’ve been thinking about this relative for a few weeks now. So I may not be totally rational

If it turns out that not all the girls have been invited, I think you should leave it. You can’t really uninvite her but definitely think twice before inviting next year!!

Don't bother sending anything. It won't get you anywhere. People who do this sort of thing aren't going to mend their ways on receipt of an indignant text. As others have said upthread, don't invite the girl next year

Before you decide, what are the possible outcomes?

What is the mother like and what is the child like? Is it possible they will behave cruelly into your DD once they know they’ve been caught?

Send the text. It doesn't sound like a mistake but either way, it might make these parents think twice before leaving little kids out,

If they're not friends then she won't want to come to your daughter's party will she.

As all the other girls are invited I’d ask the mum if dd’s invite has got lost/missed.

I have to admit I’d be tempted to go full on Madeline from Big Little Lies and invite the entire class to do something insanely amazing for the same day. 🙀

Yeah I’m not going to send any message. If I’m being totally honest I did know about her DD’s party last year as someone mentioned it but I changed the subject as that’s what I do when I’m uncomfortable, it’s easier pretending rather than dealing and then I stupidly still invited her after knowing I didn’t get an invite , and She’s coming again this year. I don’t know about any other parties other than these 2 but we have invited her every year.

This is good!

It's a good lesson in how to be the bigger person. That's hard, but doing the right thing usually is.

Rejection is always very painful- no matter what the age.

We are tribal in nature- and exclusion from the tribe hurting probably harks back to cavewoman days - ( as a friend put it to me)

If your DD is not the only one not invited then i wouldn't send any messages.

Going forward i would try to discourage the 'who invited who back and everything must be equal' thing with DD. If she enjoys this girls company and wants to invite her, and the girl comes to your parties and every one has a good time then be happy with that, and encourage DD to be happy with that.

Getting funny with the mum is a waste of time and energy. In a few years they'll be old enough to arrange their own social lives .... trust me if flies by

If you are going to message, this is the thing to say. But I'd probably not bother. and if you are feeling a bit fragile, OP, then don't get involved.

lousy thing to do though and pretty shameless to exclude one child but still go to her parties. I'd say some of the other mothers are wondering too - hence why you were given the heads up about the party.

In a few years time none of this will matter - but lousy when it is going on.