DD wants to uninvite a girl from her party

[howtohabdle]

DD aged 8 is in a lovely little friendship group of 4 girls. One girl in the group has never invited DD to her party despite them being best friends. I just assumed she doesn’t have one. We invite her every year just for context. One of the girls from the class had a party today and DD came back excited saying “it’s X’s birthday next weekend am I going?” I told her we haven’t had an invite. She got upset and said all the girls from class are going. I re-assured her that sometimes there’s no space for all children. DD now wants to uninvite her which I discouraged but quite honestly I understand how she feels! I have invited her every year and to find out now she doesn’t invite my child. How nasty of the mum. Why accept our invite every year and not reciprocate.

how would you handle it? I’m thinking from next year not to invite her again. Funny thing is she is so warm when I see her at school events. I just assumed as she works full time in a highly stressful job and I never see her at drop offs and pick ups that she just doesn’t do parties.

You need to put your big girl pants on and stand up for your DD! Show her that she doesn't have to accept behaviour that upsets her, and that it's ok to ask questions.

I'd send @titchy's message, which is absolutely spot on, and you can decide what to do further once you receive a response.

Be brave for your DD, otherwise you are teaching her to be scared in the same way you are.

I agree with a PP and would message. What do you have to lose. If she feels uncomfortable then tough.

OP if it were me I’d say something to the mum next time you see her ‘I’m just checking if X is still okay to come to DD’s party? Just wondering if they’ve maybe fallen out as she’s noticed she isn’t invited to X’s party’ or something along those lines, say it breezily and wait for her to reply. People might say this approach isn’t good but it’s what I’d do.

You could say I’m just checking that the girls haven’t fallen out as DD is aware she hasn’t been invited to friend’s party and now doesn’t want her to come to hers.

I had similar happen last year. I told my child to ask why she wasn't invited. The girl replied, because I didnt like you much last year! So this year we didn't invite her and she begged to come, but we held strong. You cannot uninvite someone, without some kind of confrontation. Just carry on as normal this year, and remember not to invite her next year. Do not invite her next year.

I’ve been through all this with my two - even in secondary.
As they’re in primary I would def message the mum and say ask if there’s been a ‘falling out’ - usually there will be some spurious reason why your dd hasn’t been invited if they’re in a ‘lovely friendship group’ (believe me I have thought oh, ds has a lovely group - and it wasn’t very nice behind the scenes).
Also do not invite next year! Dd always invited a girl to her parties but never got an invite back. In her last year of primary I put my foot down and said no to her coming as I’d had enough of the piss taking.

What @titchy said or @ahoyhoyhoy

I'm going to go against majority opinion here. For what it's worth , I would let DD uninvite if she wants to. To me it seems totally reasonable to say 'Sorry, you can't come to my party if I'm not invited to yours'. Having said that - OP if you are vulnerable in the wake of a bereavement and don't have the mental strength for this right now, then that's a good reason to avoid a confrontation. But all things being equal - I would uninvite, especially as she didn't invite DD last year either. And if need be I would follow up with a text to the mum saying 'Oh dear, seems our daughters are in a muddle. DD is sad to discover she wasn't invited last year or this , and so no longer wants to invite back. Sorry about this, I hope you understand - and I hope they'll sort it out together'.

But if that not your style and especially not right now - you should honour your instincts. It's what I would do which doesn't mean it's right!

I too find it incredible that so many folk think it's ok to uninvite someone. Never come across this before. And as for confronting the mother - absolutely not.

No humble brag, just the truth repeated from the mouth of babes! Some parents are stupid and have adult conversations in front of their children. DD’s friend repeated it verbatim to DD who came and told me. I was horrified. Supposedly DD’s friends mother was telling her sister who also has kids at the same school. And the sister even made a comment about our car! 🤦🏽‍♀️ All repeated by child to DD who came and told me whole conversation word for word. Kids are 7 years old. Dd’s friend said both her mum and Aunt don’t like DD bcoz of this. 🙄

I wouldn’t uninvite but I would send a message like @titchy composed.

Right 🤣

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but just because a child has been invited to a party I don't think that means they should automatically be invited to theirs.
It should be completely up to the child who they want to invite regardless of whose parties they attended or were invited to.

Yes I get your daughter will be hurt by not being invited to a friends party she is in a close friendship group with - that's a bit odd. However your daughter did want her at her party, has invited her and cannot go back on that invite now as that would be very petty.
Next year ask again who she would like to invite and if she doesn't want to invite that child that's fair enough, but a year would have passed and she may feel differently.

But you can uninvite her, tactfully, without judging the other mum or her child, just matter-of-factly stating that your child is now aware of the party that she isn't invited to and no longer wants this child at her party.

Can anyone explain to be how this would help OP 's daughter's relationship with that friend or with the other girls in the class? Because I can only imagine uninviting someone leading to all the girls bitching about OP 's daughter, and her friendship situation getting far worse.

Uninviting just sounds like a mother's revenge to me, that would actively make things worse for the daughter.

I think you’re right. It’s so interesting the difference between the two genders and how they interact, even at this age. How much is learned behaviour and how much is a natural trait? Girls relationships are usually so much more complicated. I wonder why this is

I've only read your replies and not anyone else's, but if you can summon the courage I'd say something like:

"DD mentioned that X invited her to her party but I've not seen an invite, was it a paper one that's got lost in her bag or have DD and X misunderstood?"

She'll be forced to confront it, but you're not being confrontational or aggressive.

Is there any chance you somehow are missing the invites? Wrong number etc?

It definitely happens with boys, believe me! It’s just not as obvious.

Please don't teach your dd to allow other people to walk all over her. She doesn't want this girl to go to her party because she's not invited to the girl's party.

'Hi x My daughter told me that most of the girls in her class are excited about your daughter's party. My daughter was surprised that she's not invited. I'm assuming there might've been a falling out between the girls? I think it might be best that your daughter doesn't come to my daughter's party because I don't want there to be any awkwardness. Hopefully the girls make up and can attend future parties.'

Dear friends Mum, DD has just discovered that she is not invited to your DDs party once again this year. She's struggling with understanding why she has been excluded and I'm at a loss as to come up with an explanation. I think it best if your DD doesn't attend DDs party as we want her to enjoy her day. I'm sure your DD will understand given the circumstances.

@Happilyobtuse - these mums must be v shallow then. My DCs went to school with a wide variety of children - some lived in small flats and some lived in4+-bed detached houses. I never heard any parent disparaging another child for how well off (or not) the parents were. Yes I was a bit envious of some people’s houses but no way would have not liked the child cos of where they lived (unless they were a raging snob!).

I definitely think you need to speak to the other mum. The 'Dear Suzy' text looks like a good one to me.

I just never understand the concept of “kill
them with kindness” which is actually just teaching children to accept poor behaviour.

The situation you described @Happilyobtuse is outrageous (the parent, not you), but I feel like the lesson your child learnt was to allow others to walk all over you.

I’m not saying OP should go ballistic, but if her DD wants to uninvite a child because that child didn’t invite her, it’s her party so let her do it. “Teaching resilience” is what you do if there’s a “backlash”.

I swear “be kind” is becoming code for “walk all over me”.

Good grief.

Again, how many adults have you uninvited in your life?

I uninvited people to my wedding! They were causing nothing but grief so I told them not to come. Why shouldn't a little girl be able to do the same?

Did you invite them simply because they didn't invite them to yours? That is literally all this child has done wrong. And it might even have been her mother's decision.