DD wants to uninvite a girl from her party

[howtohabdle]

DD aged 8 is in a lovely little friendship group of 4 girls. One girl in the group has never invited DD to her party despite them being best friends. I just assumed she doesn’t have one. We invite her every year just for context. One of the girls from the class had a party today and DD came back excited saying “it’s X’s birthday next weekend am I going?” I told her we haven’t had an invite. She got upset and said all the girls from class are going. I re-assured her that sometimes there’s no space for all children. DD now wants to uninvite her which I discouraged but quite honestly I understand how she feels! I have invited her every year and to find out now she doesn’t invite my child. How nasty of the mum. Why accept our invite every year and not reciprocate.

how would you handle it? I’m thinking from next year not to invite her again. Funny thing is she is so warm when I see her at school events. I just assumed as she works full time in a highly stressful job and I never see her at drop offs and pick ups that she just doesn’t do parties.

^uninviting her

I think you should reframe this for yourself. Doing the right thing does not necessarily mean engaging with a potentially rude or cruel person. You don’t know what will happen if you contact the other mother. It could make things worse. I have many past examples of times I wish I’d just kept my own counsel instead of engaging with people who ended up not worthy of my emotion. Took me many years to learn this.

Also, changing the plans in any way is going to make your daughter’s party all about the other girl instead of your daughter.

I would plan something fun for the day of the other party. A mother-daughter day or something with family.

Yes, I think so too. We live in an affluent village, ppl buy or rent here as the school is rated outstanding and has been for many years. Most rich ppl like footballers etc. send their kids to this state school rather than private as it is much better rated than the private school. Most parents are hard working professionals but there are always some ppl like this who spoil the atmosphere.

I think the lady was annoyed as her DD has never been on a plane and we travel frequently. She didn’t like her child asking her about travelling abroad and I later found out she is actively trying to steer her DD away from mine and make her friends with other girls from background similar to theirs. Honestly we are asian and we have worked bloody hard to get where we are, and we would be happy for their child to share experiences with our child. If they were nice we would even consider taking their DD with ours when older on trips, but not after this! The mum has spoilt things completely for us and left my DD very sad and for that I will not forgive her.

You don’t know what will happen if you contact the other mother. It could make things worse. I have many past examples of times I wish I’d just kept my own counsel instead of engaging with people who ended up not worthy of my emotion. Took me many years to learn this.

Every word of that. Plus you don't know what effect it will have on the dynamic between the girls. Going by your posts, there hasn't been a falling out as such. DD 'just' doesn't seem to have been invited. Uninviting, or irritating the mother on the other hand WILL cause a fall out. And DD could end up being isolated from all of them, or have the others refusing to attend.

Girls of that age have quite changeable, delicate relationships. Adults involving themselves in them rarely ends well. And most of the time the kids fix it themselves. Enemies one day, friends the next.

.... And again, uninviting is for heinous, irredeemable behaviour. Not to be used to pay someone back for not inviting you/your child to something. That itself is really childish.

From a total outsider's perspective:

On the face of it:
One child is having a party to which they haven't invited all the children.
The other uninvites a child.

Which parent/child would you judge if you heard the situation?

Op. Don't uninvite the child, or send any messages implying that they should withdraw. You will be the one that parents don't want to be involved with, and your child will be the one who has to pick up the pieces; however you try to explain it you won't come out looking good.

OP. If it's next Saturday then plan a really exciting day on the Sunday for your dd and her friends. Then when they go back to school they'll be talking about this rather than the party.

I wonder if the other three girls have some sort of connection with each other that your daughter isn’t involved in and this is an oversight.

Do the girls invited all go to dance class together, live on the same estate, went to the same nursery, or anything like that?

I haven’t really slept most of the night. I feel guilty and I just feel ashamed of not being able to stick up for my daughter. She is hurting. She’s not the type to cry over little things but this has hurt her.

I think you are overthinking this and being quite dramatic about it. It happens in life, not everyone can go everywhere all of the time. Invite people because you want them to be there, not so you get an invite back.
All this mulling over sending a text or not.

If you and your child are so upset about it and just want this woman to know, tell her but I think its unnecessary. This will happen a lot in life.
Your child said she just wont invite her next year so thats what to do.

Recently a mum posted in our year group chat how upset she was at her child being excluded from parties and apologised if her child had done something to upset others also as a mum it hurst knowing her child is being deliberately excluded.

It turns out there was a party a couple of weeks earlier, but I think it was limited numbers and just girls, my DH took our dd and dosnt pay much notice of whose there. There was to be another party the next day, I think this is the one that upset her as it was all the boys except 2. I’m not sure if the other boy was or was not invited, but the pictures all over Facebook clearly showed all the boys except 2. One child definitely not invited.

I really did feel for the mum and little lad as he’s only in yr1. I’ve 99% of the time done whole class parties, especially in ks1 because I hate leaving children out.

Did you read the op is currently grieving for a family member. She said herself she thinks this is impacting how she’s feeling about the party situation.

@AliceMcK how did people respond to her putting it in the chat?

You sound overly invested. Nobody has to include your daughter.

Maybe think about why your child may not be invited. Behaviour or attitude Maybe?

@VeterinaryCareAssistant and you sound mean. Hope you’re kinder to animals. Jesus

What a strange thing to say. Overly invested in one’s child?

Nobody has the right to be invited to a party. Sometimes my kids are left out, sometimes they aren't and others are left out. Very few people can afford entire class parties and most parents understand this. If you really don't want her there then uninvite her but I do think it is petty and a missed oppertunity to teach your daughter about forgiveness and the importance of not doing things 'tit for tat'.

FINAL UPDATE: thank you so much everyone. In the end I decided not to message the mum as I have enough going on in my life right now and I’m worried about potential backlash for my daughter. They have 2 more years together so I weighed up the pros and cons and decided not to.

i’m actually very glad I did as I’m thinking a lot about things and I feel my daughter may have outgrown (or other girl may have) this friendship. All I can do know for my daughter is encourage her to make more friends outside of this group and I need to step up and arrabge play dates with these potential new friends. Thank you much! You have all been amazing. @titchy i have saved your response it was well-thought out. I hope others benefited from reading too.

Poor DD, a hard lesson but a valuable one nonetheless. Of course it hurts at the time but she will get over it. When DS was this age the class parents were very cliquey and DS was hardly ever invited to parties, it was upsetting at the time but it was character building I guess.

Treat her to something lovely instead.

Last year my daughter who would have been 10 wasn’t invited to a friends birthday dinner party after school thing. Out of 14 girls, my daughter and another girl weren’t invited. This girl was classed as a good friend too. After being at my daughter’s party and play dates. Some of the other girls who were invited, weren’t even friends with the girl.
The other girl who wasn’t invited was a good friend of the girls too, or so she thought. Birthday girl even asked the other not invited girl to help her hand out her invites, but never got an invite herself. Just rudeness
Petty I know, but I don’t even look at the mum of the girl any more.

I don’t think at 10 the parents have anything to do with it though? From 6 ish my kids gave me the list. I wouldn’t have known if one person they apparently played with was excluded..

Read the fucking OP ….the DD DOESNT want her there 🙄

I meant before she knew that the other girl was having a party.

She's been happy enough to invite her without reciprocation.

I did read the Op just didn't explain well so you can fuck off with your eye roll.

Apollo365 · Today 16:47
Sorry I don’t care what age the kids are, it’s still a shity thing to do. Why would the birthday girl get the other uninvited girl to help her hand out her invites in front of the class, when she wasn’t getting one herself. They were all part of a friendship group too. Well my daughter thought she was her friend.

Oh gosh I don’t disagree with this! Utterly nasty child.
Sorry meant the parents. 🫣 You said you couldn’t look at the mum anymore, but would she even know?

Apollo365 · Today 17:00
She wouldn’t have known about her rude daughter handing out the invites.
But she’d have know that her daughters two so called friends weren’t invited. I think as a mother I would have questioned my daughter if that was the case. She was at my daughter’s party weeks before. Especially as they are all still in the friendship group. It’s just plain damn rudeness.

Only a couple responded. The mum believed it was a conspiracy to exclude her child. Those that responded assured her it wasn’t. Apparently some sent private messages as the mum apologised for her original text.

Im one of those mums who tends to know what’s going on as I’m a SAHM so always at the school gate, able to attend assemblies etc. I wasn’t aware he was being singled out, certainly no conspiracy.

Wow! Even my 4 year old would know how wrong this is!