DD wants to uninvite a girl from her party

[howtohabdle]

DD aged 8 is in a lovely little friendship group of 4 girls. One girl in the group has never invited DD to her party despite them being best friends. I just assumed she doesn’t have one. We invite her every year just for context. One of the girls from the class had a party today and DD came back excited saying “it’s X’s birthday next weekend am I going?” I told her we haven’t had an invite. She got upset and said all the girls from class are going. I re-assured her that sometimes there’s no space for all children. DD now wants to uninvite her which I discouraged but quite honestly I understand how she feels! I have invited her every year and to find out now she doesn’t invite my child. How nasty of the mum. Why accept our invite every year and not reciprocate.

how would you handle it? I’m thinking from next year not to invite her again. Funny thing is she is so warm when I see her at school events. I just assumed as she works full time in a highly stressful job and I never see her at drop offs and pick ups that she just doesn’t do parties.

Could your daughter not ask the other child? If not, I would be messaging the Mum, it doesn’t have to be a confrontational message. It doesn’t seem right to not reciprocate the invite.

I am not one for school yard politics or being overly involved in my dd's social life but in this instance I would have no qualms texting the mother.

I agree with @Calliopespa and don't follow the 'be the bigger person' on occasions like this.

Having said that, my dd has the sort of personality that would have asked her friend outright, usurping any involvement from my part.

I do think there are times where we roll with it and show our dc that sometimes in life we cannot always be included.... etc. However, this is a friendship group where the same thing happened last year. No, I wouldn't remain silent, I wouldn't be combative either. Just a straight forward text (good examples above) then whatever the reply, discuss it with my dd and go from there.

Her seeing me be a voice for her in this instance would override any feelings of awkwardness over texting the mum. But that is just me, I am not very British when it comes to the dignified stiff upper lip - often preferred for situations like this.

Do this. Xx

Her daughter hasn’t been invited, how embarrassing to be messaging the other mother fishing for an invite. Let it go FFS. You can’t demand your child be invited to a party. In life not everything is reciprocated or equal. Let her learn that lesson now.

Hello

OP please send a text and nip it in the bud. This could escalate between the girls at school. Also it will prolong you feeling upset for your daughter. Take back control. I wouldn’t accept a pity invite for your DD at this point, but I would definitely call this mother out on it. I tend to be quite direct but it’s just easier and remember “kill it with kindness”.

”Hi , hope you are looking forward to a lovely bank holiday? DD came home from school very upset yesterday as she hasn’t been invited to xx party. I just wanted to check if there has been some mistake or the girls have fallen out? DD is still really looking forward to celebrating her birthday with xx on date and I just wanted to nip any awkwardness between the girls in the bud so they can continuing being good friends. Feel free to give me a call if easier! Thanks xx

How should I phrase it to tell her it’s nasty without her thinking I’m fishing for an invite? I wouldn’t want my DD to go now even if she did invite us.

@Holidayhavanas thank you! Sorry I posted before I read your message - you’ve answered it nicely thank you!

Can you not ask a mum friend to drop it into conversation with the mum to see how the land lies first?

Take back control

Oh my god, I am howling at this thread!
It’s an 8 year olds birthday party that she hasn’t been invited to for whatever reason. Literally the only thing she needs to do is not invite the girl to any future events going forward. No need for sleepless nights and all this warrior mum drama. 🙄

Sorry tho hear this unkindness has hurt you I’ve been through it with mine sometimes the only one left out! They still invited all them back as they wanted to but it hurts your heart breaks for them but it is a learning curve.
if your dd is sure
could you write a message saying

“I’m sorry dd wants to uninvite your dd from her party , as she’s feeling really upset, hurt and left out because of your party and she’s questioning her friendship”

kind of honest and then see if it can be straightened out? I would not feel awkward if I sent that message.

it maybe the mum is actually taking a couple to the cinema or something and the your dd has the wrong idea and it’s not actually a big party or some other explanation and no issues or it could be the girl isn’t as good a friend as she thinks she is!

You are minimising the feelings of the child and also missing the point. This is a great opportunity for dd to learn how to be politely assertive.

@howtohabdle no worries. I’ve been in similar situations and it’s horrible. Send the text no doubt she will try and invite your DD. If that happens Just reply saying thank you, you appreciate the offer but she was so upset last night you promised to do something special with her that weekend. Hope xx has a wonderful party and we look forward to seeing xx at DD’s party. Don’t get other mums involved etc. You can do this and control it. You will feel much better for it 😊💐

^ this

Could you text with faux ignorance?

can you cancel dd party and re arrange on a date you know df can’t make…. Yes I know this is passive aggressive …

No, let the child feel whatever feelings she has they are valid, but then as a parent you explain why she can’t just uninvite the girl.

I don’t see how this is being “politely assertive”. If OP messages the other mother then she will get a pity invite, or the mother will give a reason why she hasn’t been invited. How will either of those things really help her daughter to deal with friendship issues in the future?

I remember exactly the same thing happening to my dd. A "friend" handed out all of her invites in front of my dd, missing her out. I was so upset when she told me, but my dd, like yours, was fairly matter of fact about it. She ended up inviting this girl to her own party soon after (and she came). Party politics are horrible, but my advice is to hide your upset and stay out of it. Do what your dd is suggesting, which is to miss the girl out from the next one. Try not to get involved with it by sending texts to the mum. No one is obliged to invite anyone to a party (though I completely agree it's hurtful).
I also remember my ds bringing the class mascot home, and in it was another child's entry complete with lovely photos of a whole class party my ds hadn't been invited to.
I came to the conclusion that some parents are just thoughtless and unkind. I did my best to hide my feelings from my ds too.
Soon big parties will no longer be a thing and you won't have to deal with it.
I do sympathise though. As a parent, it's horribly upsetting.

I’m saying take back control, of OPs own feelings not control of a party. All this “don’t invite said child to a party next year” is in my opinion ridiculous too and actually quite mean. They are CHILDREN , be assertive and nip it in the bud so children in a close friendship group don’t feel excluded and upset. The OP has clearly said the girls are close friends. I have lots of empathy for the OP, it’s horrible when this stuff happens.

It looks as though the mum has something to do with this. Op can gently call out parental shitty behaviour.

Tell your daughter it’s not nice to offer an invitation to someone and then uninvite them. Doing that is much worse than not inviting someone at all. I think it would cause so much drama, the mother would be angry and the child could potentially cause issues in the friendship group for your child. It’s not worth it. Let the girl come to the party, but don't invite her to anything going forward. A great example to teach your daughter how to stay classy even when people can be shitty

I agree with this.

I think sending some sort of cringy faux begging text to the friends mum is just awful

Actually this whole situation should have been sorted last year - but it wasn't

Just to clarify it’s not just the party that’s on my mind as I said in previous post I’ve had a bereavement which is playing on my mind too.

Be aware you might find something out about your DD's behaviour that you weren't expecting but that would actually be good feedback for you.

Well that certainly is one approach, and a valid one.

Nothing wrong with some honesty either. Bluntly asking a legitimate question over what is clearly not an oversight, is also valid.

But then I prefer not to sit and ruminate.

Op I have an 8yo child who is in a friendship group of 4 too.
The difference is that we have made it our business as the parents to get to know each other really well.
We do one on one play dates but not 3/4. We don't leave one of the four out.
At 8 I think the parents are still quite involved with organising these things and play dates etc. so if 1/4 was not invited it would be easy to pick up the phone and just ask the parent because we know each well now.
As for this I would reschedule the party to another date and then re-invite excluding this girl. Completely not ok to be teaching your dd to accept being treated this way.

Possibly the mother is the one purposefully excluding OPs child, but if that’s the case then I don’t see what a begging passive aggressive text would achieve? The mother already knows she’s leaving the child out so it’s unlikely to achieve anything. At the very least she may get a pity last minute invite.