DD wants to uninvite a girl from her party

[howtohabdle]

DD aged 8 is in a lovely little friendship group of 4 girls. One girl in the group has never invited DD to her party despite them being best friends. I just assumed she doesn’t have one. We invite her every year just for context. One of the girls from the class had a party today and DD came back excited saying “it’s X’s birthday next weekend am I going?” I told her we haven’t had an invite. She got upset and said all the girls from class are going. I re-assured her that sometimes there’s no space for all children. DD now wants to uninvite her which I discouraged but quite honestly I understand how she feels! I have invited her every year and to find out now she doesn’t invite my child. How nasty of the mum. Why accept our invite every year and not reciprocate.

how would you handle it? I’m thinking from next year not to invite her again. Funny thing is she is so warm when I see her at school events. I just assumed as she works full time in a highly stressful job and I never see her at drop offs and pick ups that she just doesn’t do parties.

Oooh that's good, that's very good!!

I agree with this. Let's stop conditioning girls to not speak up for themselves and to think their feelings are not valid.
If dd wants to uninvite the girl then dd should be able to do this. I do think dd should be the one to let her friend know though. If mum contacts you just let her know you support dd's wishes and they don't seem to be as close as they used to be.

I know you said it’s not all the girls. But that isn’t the point. It’s almost all the girls and the excluding of a couple is actually really mean and the mother should be gently called out on it. I would ignore the fact you know your dd isn’t the only one and send this text. You’re saying your dd thinks she’s the only one, not that it’s true. What is even more shit is that several children have declined and the mother has still not invited your dd as part of the reserve list.

My dd was invited on a reserve list once btw and the mum came up to me and asked me if dd was available at short notice. She was really clear to me about the invitation only being forthcoming as a girl couldn’t make it. Her dd and mine weren’t super close and dd was very happy with the invitation. I don’t know if she even knew about the party. This is straightforward and kind communication from one mum to another imo and handled really well.

From what you have said and from my experience of how cruel mums can be, my instinct is that it is the mother, who is responsible for the lack of invitation. In her place, I actually would insist my dd invite yours as she must know that the girls are in a friendship group… unless there is something I didn’t know and in which case, my dd wouldn’t go to yours. Even if her dd didn’t invite yours, I presume she knows how gauche it is not to invite, so I’m a yes to gently probing. If an invite isn’t forthcoming after sending the above, you’ll know the woman has an issue with your dd.

Dd was pushed out by a couple of mums and I phrased it as play date friends and friends she plays with at school. One was a cliquey mum (as in the cool mums, which I was excluded from partly as I was very unwell) and the other wanted to be part of the clique and prioritised the cliquey girls. Dd is 15 and remains good friends with the latter as dd was still invited to the girl’s parties, unlike the other, but I do not have any contact with the mum.

I wouldn't uninvite either. It would likely cause upset in the group and your dd would be the bad guy.

I'd just stop inviting her going forward.

Thank you everyone. I haven’t really slept most of the night. I feel guilty and I just feel ashamed of not being able to stick up for my daughter. She is hurting. She’s not the type to cry over little things but this has hurt her.

It is good manners to reciprocate invitations. Unless the party is considerably smaller than one your dc was invited to, it’s good manners to include the children who hosted your dc. People complain about etiquette and think it stuffy nonsense, but this post is a prime example of the point of it: it safeguards against hurt feelings and offence.

I think based on your op and updates, it would be the right thing to do to stick up for your dd and uninvite. A text to the mum saying that you'd heard her dd was having a party and your dd wasn't invited, your dd is upset about that and you think it's best that her dd doesn't come to your dds party to avoid any drama or upset on the day. That's you prioritising your own daughter on her bday, not the feelings of some kid who has excluded her. You're not being mean, you're protecting your dd and doing what's best for her.

Especially when it comes to children. Why would you feel comfortable taking your child to another kids birthday knowing full well you excluded that child. There are obviously circumstances such as space etc but OP says they are in a friendship group. It would never occur to me to exclude a child from Dd’s actual friendship group, there are only 4 of them, it’s just mean really.

Don’t invite next year OP and bear in mind you are the norm and they aren’t. The majority of posts are supportive because most people wouldn’t do that. I would look pretty dimly on the parents if one of Dd’s close friends was excluded from a party. It wouldn’t reflect well on them at all and I would be thinking about the possibility that my own Dd may be excluded in the future and perhaps encourage her to focus on the friendships that are genuinely fostered by the child and the parents.

Op can you just be completely uncomplicated about this.

I’d text the mother and say that your dd is upset because as you both know she has invited her dd to her small party and it now seems your dd has been excluded from her much larger one. Has the invitation gone astray, or was she simply not invited?

It’s reasonable to ask ( because objectively there has to be a possibility in the circumstances that it’s s mistake) and I think it’s better to be upfront rather than doing a pretend “Oh dear, it’s obviously gone astray.”

If you don’t ask and it HAS gone astray, you will look rude for ignoring it.

The way the mum responds will guide you from there. If she says something like “frankly, your dd tries to push the friendship but my dd is really not fond of yours,” un-inviting becomes an easier prospect: “well in that case it would seem sensible for your dd not to …” . But you can’t do that “ cold.” You need to open the discussion.

You are both adults: find out what’s up by just asking.

This sounds like a good approach to me.

The most important person here is your DD. If she is hurt, and I don't blame her, then as a mother I would feel I would have to speak to the other parent, however embarrassing just to make sure that you have not misread the situation and that her DD does consider yours a friend. You don't have to be aggressive or confrontational but you do have to stand up for your daughter.

I would reframe it for your dd and every year have a mum and dd day on the other dc’s party day.
You could do lunch and shopping or a favourite activity.
When your dd is an adult she’ll remember that you turned not being invited into a fun day out.

… in reality the mum is more likely to say something vague along the lines of “ we’d have LOVED to have everyone, it’s just my DD is SO very popular …”

Which you will know means the same as we just weren’t that keen to have her.

But at least you will have advocated for DD and not put yourself in the position where they think you didn’t reply to their invitation if there has been a mix-up. And, most importantly, you will know where things stand to better guide your DD in where to put her efforts friendship-wise. If you hadn’t just invited her dd to a much smaller party, and the tight friendship group aspect was not there, I don’t think you could be so upfront . But I think circumstances play into your hands to do so in this instance.

School party politics are a nightmare, my DD is only yr 1 and the other mums I’m friendly with all have boys so I can see a time when my DD inevitably isn’t invited (willingly) to their parties

if you say something I’d go along the lines of ‘DD has mentioned your DDs party but I don’t remember an invitation, is she invited as I’m trying to organise our calendar?

that way you’ve called her out or clarified things without major drama, TBH I’d be pissed off like you are but imagine getting a text asking if there’s an issue? That’s just asking for drama.

i also don’t see how you can uninvited, give your daughter some options of rearranging or putting up with the other girl but not in it next year.

I would send a text and say you were not aware of any falling out between the girls, as they seem to be very good friends but given there clearly is an issue as dd has been repeatedly left off her dd’s party guest list it might be better if x doesn’t come to dds birthday celebration this year after all, as it’s causing hurt feelings.

I would smooth it over with happy to chat any time over coffee and leave it at that.

You need to advocate for your dd.

Speak to the mum in a non-accusatory way. There are lots of possibilities. It depends how the invitations were done. I let my youngest DC name people but he unwittingly missed out some of his friends until I suggested them. I don’t think children of that age are necessarily reliable inviters.

Another possibility is that the mum ‘listed all the children in the class’ and mistakenly missed your DD out. I’ve done that before with class Xmas cards. There always seems to be a child or two who slip my mind. You might think that’s unlikely because they’re friends but I even did it with one of my DCs friends for one party as I was caught up in the whole organising thing.

Even if your DD has been purposely omitted, I wouldn’t necessarily uninvite the other child unless there are clear signs of spite or bullying. One of my DCs just had a party and 3 of his invited children hadn’t asked him to their parties. He still wanted to invite them though. There was no malice in him not being invited to their parties.

It’s unlikely she was accidentally missed off repeatedly.

This sounds terrible but I'd tell DD to tell friend this, this year too 🙈😬

I'm sure it's the 'friend' saying that she doesn't want DD there

Honestly if it means so much to your DD I think you need to put yourself in a bit of discomfort and text.

Possibly, but every year I draw up a list of Xmas cards for my DC, knowing the number of children in the class and every year I struggle to remember the same couple of children. Yes, perhaps there is some nastiness involved here but it’s better to go in with a more moderate approach first.

I’m sorry for your loss op 💐

I agree with post above ^^

I’m afraid it’s a good lesson in life being unfair and being the bigger person.

I don’t think writing a disingenuous text which is pretending to say “has there been a fall out?” when really you are saying “how come you didn’t invite my child when I invited yours?” Is not going to help resolve anything.

First because it’s so transparent. Second because it’s everyone’s prerogative to issue an invite or not to whomsoever they want, or not, and it’s extremely poor manners to either invite yourself or your child to something, or question not being invited retrospectively. And third you are probably not going to hear the truth even if the mother does respond.

Tell your child, “If others choose to be unkind then that’s for them to live with but we are not going to do that.”

And I would also explain that there are many other different reasons why someone may not be invited somewhere, the majority of which are nothing personal eg budgetary restraints.

Plus, once you have issued an invitation, it’s very poor form retract it, unless you retract it for everyone in the case of sudden ill health or something.

Your dd was happy to invite this girl a few weeks ago when you issued the invitation.
And what is more, this girl was happy to accept. Just focus on that and encourage the dc to have a good time. It’s a child’s party, you are not negotiating the Treaty of Versailles. Your dd will take your cue from you about this. And as she is in fact being very magnanimous then it shows you taught her extremely well! 😀

I haven't read the full thread but if they are a group of four friends, this girl leaving yoir DD out is a form of bullying no? Would your DD have the courage to asm this girl herself? If they are only 8, I think it's OK for you to get involved. And I would actually uninvite this girl as she is not coming to the party for your DD but because she doesn't want to miss out on the fun

It's really not worth losing sleep over. Your DD is having a party, her friends will be there and she'll have a great time. Life has it's ups and downs.

Just adding my vote for this one. It’s nice and direct and explains the situation perfectly without being mardy.

“Now’s not the time to be coward, you need to speak up for your daughter”

🤣🙈It’s an 8 year olds birthday party that she hasn’t been invited to for reasons none of us even know. She hasn’t had some major injustice thrust upon her. Calm down people.

Some of these replies are so cringe worthy I would literally die just thinking about sending one.

Tell your daughter it’s not nice to offer an invitation to someone and then uninvite them. Doing that is much worse than not inviting someone at all. I think it would cause so much drama, the mother would be angry and the child could potentially cause issues in the friendship group for your child. It’s not worth it. Let the girl come to the party, but don't invite her to anything going forward. A great example to teach your daughter how to stay classy even when people can be shitty.