DD wants to uninvite a girl from her party

[howtohabdle]

DD aged 8 is in a lovely little friendship group of 4 girls. One girl in the group has never invited DD to her party despite them being best friends. I just assumed she doesn’t have one. We invite her every year just for context. One of the girls from the class had a party today and DD came back excited saying “it’s X’s birthday next weekend am I going?” I told her we haven’t had an invite. She got upset and said all the girls from class are going. I re-assured her that sometimes there’s no space for all children. DD now wants to uninvite her which I discouraged but quite honestly I understand how she feels! I have invited her every year and to find out now she doesn’t invite my child. How nasty of the mum. Why accept our invite every year and not reciprocate.

how would you handle it? I’m thinking from next year not to invite her again. Funny thing is she is so warm when I see her at school events. I just assumed as she works full time in a highly stressful job and I never see her at drop offs and pick ups that she just doesn’t do parties.

Don't uninvite - it would achieve nothing positive. It is as well to keep put of little girl politics and definitely don't involve the parents! I speak from experience - I had 3 girls. Most things seem to blow over.

8 year old girls can be like this. My daughter has had so many issues with friendship groups. When she was 8 there was a friend group and then a new girl came to the school. She was quite manipulative and mean to my dd and became bffs with one of the girls who my daughter was good friends with. When it came time for my daughter’s party we didn’t invite the mean girl or her friend. Honestly just cause they were friends at school didn’t mean they should be invited. Every day my daughter was coming home in tears about this fight and that fight. Her friend said she wouldn’t come to dd bday unless this new girl was invited too. (This was before we had done any inviting). I was not having the new girl there as she did nothing but cause drama so we didn’t invite either of them. I’m sure from her mums point of view it seemed like we were excluding her - but I didn’t want my dd party to end up in tears like every single playtime at school.

uninviting her would reflect really badly on you and your DD. Be the bigger person. Rethink things for next years birthday.

Im not sure why some people expect a party invite in exchange for a party invite. The exchange made when attending a party is a birthday gift.

Still a form of bullying though. Actually, one worse than that which is child led.

I think all this being the bigger person is just pushing girls to "be kind".

I'm with dinosaurpoo on this one. I'd uninvite and just get on with the smaller group.

I wouldn't un invite but I would do an extra activity, as someone suggested up thread, to which the said child was not invited.

Leaving things as they are might make your DD feel she isn’t listened to, but also gives her a greater shot at maintaining friendships. It might be worth taking some time to talk with DD about friendships and see if she really has been getting on with this girl as well as the other two in the friendship group. If she wasn’t invited last year but is still getting on well with this girl, it may not be the friend that is the issue, but her mother.

Challenging the mother in some way, asking why she isn’t invited, etc. and obviously uninviting the girl has its attractions, but if you are that up front about it you are likely more likely to ensure the friendship is over in a way which can’t be glossed over, which will likely have repercussions on the group of 4, potentially ostracizing your DD from the other two girls as well. Is that a risk? Would your DD would want to take it? Some of the wording on here about checking if there’s been a falling out or the like may take the sting out of it, but only if you already have a relationship with the other mum where their tight friendship is acknowledged. Your post about her always seeming warm at school events makes me think you may not have this and she may see the friendships in a very different way to you and would make such a message seem bizarre to the other mum.

A semi-middle of the road approach could be to cancel your party and then rearrange in a few weeks time with a different type of party and a smaller guest list that just happens not to have the “friend” on. Maybe a trip out somewhere with the other two girls. Still has the potential to cause issues but if the other mum doesn’t see them as close it’s less likely.

I find it cheeky that the parent is quite happy for their child to come along to your DDs birthday and then not return the invite! It’s not as if she’s only invited 2/3/4 she’s invited the majority of the class! I would be very tempted to send a message!

I'm not saying she should organise her prom date! Also, Op is not going to be turning to her daughter just telling her bluntly she's not invited
It would have given the Op the opportunity to uninvite said child too .

Anyway, it doesn't matter as Op has since updated to say all girls weren't invited. Just a few. Still rubbish but I'd leave it in this case.

I cannot believe how much this is affecting me! I spoke to DD before bedtime and asked her what she wants to do she said “it’s fine then she can come this year but not next year”. I feel so bad for my DD.

It is absolutely rubbish.

I agree, of course OP wouldn’t tell her daughter. The prom date mother didn’t tell anyone, but someone did and then we all knew. (They guy probably, as his own mother made him go!)

Anything she does can/will blow back on her daughter. I think maybe the best way to maintain dignity is to recognize it for what it is and teach her daughter how to handle rejection and false friends while being polite herself.

I don’t really know though. I can rather keenly remember my own moments of rejection from that age if I squint a bit. My mom never did and still doesn’t have the same sensitivities that I do so don’t think she really caught on to my own mortification.

Your daughter sounds strong!

In a nicer world I’d want to call the other mom and say “Look, she knows and she’s pissed. I don’t think it’s cool, either but I’m more worried about what this will mean for their friendship group. I’ve explained to her that no one is owed an invitation but I can’t make her unsee that your daughter is not really a true friend. Which is a shame because everything seemed quite lovely up til now.”

or something. I mean, how truly fucking stupid is it for them to have done this?

If you're seeing the mum this weekend I'd say your daughter knows her daughter is having a party and is upset she is not invited and wait and see if an invitation is offered up.

If not, I'd say your daughter is making noises about uninviting her daughter and let it hang. Frame it all as typical kids and drama 🙄

Yes, it will be a pity invite but your daughter will be happy. If there is no invitation then talk to your daughter and let her feel her feelings and soothe her by saying that nothing about her party has changed and she shouldn't let it spoil her own party.

This is perfect. I envy your ability to be so direct, without a hint of accusation or passive aggression.

I feel bad for her too. I said I wouldn't un-invite originally but having read some of the other posts, if she really is one of the only ones left out (after checking facts and asking the mum politely what has happened) then I think she's within her rights to rescind the offer, and she deserves your support in the matter. It's just not kind to leave her out and it seems very strategic if they really are in the same friendship group. It might make the other girl think more carefully about how it feels to be off the list.....

And by the way, this happened to my stepson and it turned out to be the mother’s own competition/jealousy. Clearly wanting her son to be more popular. Stepson got it and never held the other kid responsible but it did show that woman’s true colors.

Thank you all for understanding. Mumsnet really suprises me sometimes! I was bracing myself for being called dramatic etc. but every single post has been lovely and given me something to consider. Some posts have made me question my thinking but in a nice way rather than feeling attacked. I do fully understand what some posters are saying about my DD feeling she is being listened to and I need to stand up for her, and I also agree with the ones saying I need to be diplomatic and not uninvite.

If you don't want to send a text can your DD ask her friend why she isn't invited?

@sweettomato thats a good idea actually. It will teach DD to be assertive

@howtohabdle just to say we have been in a similar position twice in the last couple of months, girls dd considers friends that were invited to my DD’s last birthday party that have not invited her to theirs. One of them I actually did a tea party for in my house for her birthday! It’s absolutely shit and really upsetting. This week dd went to sit with a group of them was told ‘we’re talking about X’s birthday party’. Even worse the last girl who didn’t invite dd had been asking to come to ours for a play date this week!

Do people really send messages to ask why their kids aren't invited to parties?. Don't do that and don't get your daughter to ask the other kid. You are setting her up just to make a point to the other parent. These kids are 8 years old. Over the course of her schooling, there will be many parties and events she's not invited to. That's life, yes sometimes it hurts, but making a fuss about it, In my opinion only makes it worse. You are the adult here. Set a good example.

@howtohabdle How does your daughter say she’s feeling?

@Upinthenightagain that sounds awful! It makes me think for your DD (maybe mine too) it’s seems like the other mums are causing this and the kids actually want to be friends. Every year I invite all the girls in class (first 2 birthdays I invited everyone in class). It’s horrible isn’t it. I just can’t get over how nasty some adults can be. Of course it would be cheaper if we didn’t invite some of the girls but I just couldn’t do that. It’s only 12 girls in total in our class.

@Ohhhthedrama yes I can’t send a message! I did type one up but I felt really silly and didn’t send. Yes I see your point, I think I should make her focus on the parties she has and is going to attend. Thank you.

@AliceOlive thanks for asking. She seemed a bit down at bed time but I think that might have been tiredness.

thabknyou everyone I’m going to try and get some sleep now, thank you so much for all the comments and suggestions. I’m going to try and be positive about it tomorrow. Thank you everyone x

@Ohhhthedrama I don’t think it’s that outlandish a thing to do tbh. I’ve yet to do it but in certain situations I can see why you might.
@howtohabdle tbh in our case I don’t think it’s just the adults, the girls seem to be relishing the who is invited and who isn’t stuff as well. Lots of talk about it at school, it’s all very mean