DD wants to uninvite a girl from her party

[howtohabdle]

DD aged 8 is in a lovely little friendship group of 4 girls. One girl in the group has never invited DD to her party despite them being best friends. I just assumed she doesn’t have one. We invite her every year just for context. One of the girls from the class had a party today and DD came back excited saying “it’s X’s birthday next weekend am I going?” I told her we haven’t had an invite. She got upset and said all the girls from class are going. I re-assured her that sometimes there’s no space for all children. DD now wants to uninvite her which I discouraged but quite honestly I understand how she feels! I have invited her every year and to find out now she doesn’t invite my child. How nasty of the mum. Why accept our invite every year and not reciprocate.

how would you handle it? I’m thinking from next year not to invite her again. Funny thing is she is so warm when I see her at school events. I just assumed as she works full time in a highly stressful job and I never see her at drop offs and pick ups that she just doesn’t do parties.

I would text. 'dd has heard x is having a party next week. dd is disappointed but I explained to her that not everyone can be invited to all parties.
As the girls mustn't be as close as I thought, we of course don't expect x to have to come to dd's party either.
Fingers crossed both parties go well.

OPs DD is not being singled out and is not the only one excluded.

Just for anyone scanning thread.

I don't think OP need riling up over this.

I wouldn't get involved. It could all blow up and your daughter end up losing her friendship group. Who knows why she wasn't invited - it doesn't sound as if you know the mum well.

And the passive aggressive award goes to….

@howtohabdle I don’t think I’d allow your DD to disinvite the girl. But would allow her to choose next year and in the interim if she wants to put some distance. It might just be a case where they’re not as close as the used to be but they aren’t not friends.

I’m obviously the minority here but I’d be uninviting. It might be the case that the girl is closer with DD mutual friends than she is with her in which case she’s using DD’s party as a way to party with the mutual friends and not actually caring for DD’s party. I won’t have my child used as a bridge for friendship, that’s how kids end up being too soft and walked all over.

She doesn’t need to be nasty about it, but she does need to be honest. She wants to uninvite her and you should let her. I’d feel so uncomfortable at my own birthday party having someone there who clearly doesn’t like me enough to treat me with equal respect/friendship.

But I can see I’m the minority here 😂

Ah @howtohabdle I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. 😔 I always found it especially hard if my kids are excluded for some reason, and it does sound like this mum has been unnecessarily unkind not inviting your DD.

It’s up to you whether you text her or not, some would say not texting, still inviting her daughter to your DD’s party makes you the better person. On the other hand, if you text a perfectly nice, reasonable message you are standing up for your little girl- either option is perfectly valid. Hugs.

its most girls and boys from the class, my friend just checked for me, seeing that it’s only 4 girls in friendship group and others in friendship group are invited. Sorry my OP’s are not clear. As my daughter said all girls then my friend confirmed but once she looked back at the group invite she realised it’s not all.

Don't text.
You need your accept your DD sees this girl as a close friend but it's one sided.

We had this with a very popular girl who DD was always inviting round but it was never reciprocated as the girl just didn't feel the same about DD.

You can't uninvite the girl as your DD clearly sees her as a friend and wants her at her party regardless of how the other girl feels about her, but I would be speaking to DD about this after the party and helping her to see the reality of the situation here

Agree!
It really does hurt when our children are not included- Especially as @howtohabdle is grieving- emotions are very piquant and raw.

I cried as a mature woman when my friends all went to Crufts together and I wasn’t invited.
Their dogs had all qualified for next year and my Whippet has comedy ears- I felt rejected!
Those feelings never quite go away..

You can't uninvite the girl as your DD clearly sees her as a friend and wants her at her party regardless of how the other girl feels about her,

Well according to the title of the thread, DD doesn't want her there anymore.

I don't see why you can't just text and say something like, Hi name, Dd has told me name is having a birthday party with all the other girls but she's not invited. I was just wondering if there is a reason? Sorry to ask! It's just that Dd is a bit upset, and if the girls are not getting on I would rather know.

I think it's shitty to do this - even if your dd was invited after some had dropped out.

I get that parties cost etc but if the girls are friends that regularly spend time together then why leave dd out?

I would message the mum saying 'oh dd mentioned a party, when and where is it so we can keep it free' 😊 innocent way of pushing it without the confrontation.

You could ask the mum from a place of concern, quite honestly.
Hi Other Mum, I hope all is well, just wanted to ask if everything is ok between your DD and mine as this year she isn't included in your dd's party, given that was the same last year too I wanted to ask if there was a problem in the friendship I might not be aware of? I wouldn't normally ask but my DD thinks they're a close friend and I want to help her navigate this delicate situation with as much information to hand as I can. Thanks.

No, you can't un-invite. I can see why your dd is upset though....just say "let's not invite her next year" and encourage play dates with kids who value her friendship more!

Really party invites should be based on who you want to come, not who invited you to theirs....but when so many others were invited it's normal for her to feel snubbed and hurt.....not easy being 8!

Going against the grain, but I would absolutely listen to my Dd here. I have no problem with my children learning to stick up for themselves.
This girl has purposefully excluded your dd twice! of course she doesn’t want her at her party.
just text the mum after the others girls party “Dd was very upset to be excluded from your DD’s party. Given the hurt feelings and the small number coming to DD’s party, I think it’s best if your Dd doesn’t come so that we can avoid any further upset. Thanks for understanding.”

girls especially need to learn that it’s ok to call people out when they treat you badly. You’ve got an opportunity to lead the at here. Listen to your daughter and don’t make her spend her birthday with a girl who clearly doesn’t value her friendship.

I'd find it awkward, but I think I'd have to say something to stand up for my dd.

I'd maybe text something like "this is a bit of an awkward text, so apologies in advance. DD has come home quite upset about being one of the few not invited to X's party. I absolutely understand that you may not have had space and dd my have misunderstood how close the friendship is, but since the girls aren't getting along, I think it might be better for both if X wasn't at dd's party either. I hope you understand."

The other mum will probably hate you, but that's a small price to pay for standing up for your dd.

@Dinosaurpoo 👌

Even though it's not all of the class girls invited I think I'd still have to ask the question for peace of mind.
You say there is a lovely friendship group of four girls so I think I'd ask in the context of that rather than the class.
"I heard X has invited the other two in the group but not Y, I just wanted to check if there's been a falling out as they are usually a tight group of four"

Thinking about this again, it’s a chance to teach your daughter about maintaining her own dignity and also about evaluating friendships and coping with being left out.

I would not disinvite because it’s just rude and would create drama. I also would not ask the other mother about it. I’d be mortified if my mother had asked questions about an invitation never extended.

Also what Dinosaurpoo says!
If your daughter has been deliberately excluded I think it's perfectly reasonable to uninvite the other girl.

You can't be a coward concerning your child , Op. You have to stick up and advocate for your child and may have to do numerous times throughout her school years. Personally , I would call or text the mum and say "Daughter says X is having her birthday party on Saturday but we think you've forgotten to bring her invitation as it hasn't been put in her bag" . This will put the mother right on the spot. Depending o her explanation you can uninvite her daughter right there and bluntly say why. A pp said about the other 8 year old being hurt to be uninvited but it's okay for your daughter to be hurt AND to add insult to injury have to invite the kid excluding her (who has excluded her for years) to her own party?

There is also an important lesson for the other girl here! She needs to learn that the way you treat people impacts how they treat you.
put your big girl pants on @howtohabdle and stick up for your poor daughter.

Why can't you just text the mum like others have said, asking politely if there's been a mixup with the invites, as dd has said x is having a party but she wasn't invited. That you just wanted to check as confused, because the 4 girls are all close friends.

After reading more of your posts @howtohabdle and having my own little girl I think I’d change what I said id originally do.
Now I’d want to back my own dd if this was happening to her.
I agree with what @Dinosaurpoo writes and would message the other mum tomorrow just a polite message uninviting her dd.
Id wait until tomorrow so you can speak to your dd again and ask if she’s okay with you sending the message.

I’m all for being polite and friendly so wouldn’t usually uninvite but also think your dd feelings need to be listened to and she’s not being walked over by this other girl. It seems like your dd values the friendship more than the other child does.

How humiliating if the mother says “no, we didn’t forget. She’s not invited.”

I think this would be more humiliating for a child than just accepting not everyone is invited everywhere. I’ll never forget the girl whose mother arranged her prom date. The whole school knew and 30+ years later I still think it’s pitiful.