DD wants to uninvite a girl from her party

[howtohabdle]

DD aged 8 is in a lovely little friendship group of 4 girls. One girl in the group has never invited DD to her party despite them being best friends. I just assumed she doesn’t have one. We invite her every year just for context. One of the girls from the class had a party today and DD came back excited saying “it’s X’s birthday next weekend am I going?” I told her we haven’t had an invite. She got upset and said all the girls from class are going. I re-assured her that sometimes there’s no space for all children. DD now wants to uninvite her which I discouraged but quite honestly I understand how she feels! I have invited her every year and to find out now she doesn’t invite my child. How nasty of the mum. Why accept our invite every year and not reciprocate.

how would you handle it? I’m thinking from next year not to invite her again. Funny thing is she is so warm when I see her at school events. I just assumed as she works full time in a highly stressful job and I never see her at drop offs and pick ups that she just doesn’t do parties.

I would be tempted to go with the earlier suggestion and upgrade to a sleepover after for your daughter and the other 2 from the group of 4. It’s a bit petty, but so is inviting some not all of the children in a class and not including everyone from the core friendship group.

It’s happened more than once and would seem to be a deliberate decision from either the girl or her mum.

No don’t do the sleepover thing, that’s cruel. Don’t lower yourself to their level.

Did you send the message Op?

I would validate my child and ask them what they wanted to do. I would not expect my child to be the bigger person.
Its upsetting to be snubbed by a friend

Have to say I agree. Normally I would want my DC to be the bigger person but this has happened twice? I think I'd support her wanting to uninvite this other kid tbh. The ONLY thing I'd hesitate about is if there's a chance the other girl is a bit of a dominating character so might turn the others against her.

Either way I'd have to acknowledge it with the other parent just to feel I'd at least flagged it up so no surprises for the kid next time. I like some of the suggestions re has anything happened between them etc. Yea it's PA, the other parent will know what you're saying, but tbh I'm not sure I'd care about that.

Mind you I don't have time for BeKind to others and just accept it when they aren't kind back.

Sorry this is happening op, it's supremely shit.

If your daughter’s party is an invite to the whole class and you exclude/uninvite one girl because she didn’t invite your daughter to her smaller party. (Did I get that right is that what you are proposing?!). Then YABVVU.
You will look like a mean vindictive loon encouraging your daughter to be a bully by excluding one girl from the whole class.

I think the thing that really would make her school life worse is being progressively excluded from her own friendship group. It may be the girl has no such plans and is content to tolerate DD joining in at school - though the party situation would suggest not.

A completely different approach, oP, might be to say nothing to the mum, but mention to the mums of the other two friends. At least then they will be alive to any whispers of excluding DD in the school environment.

I really wouldn’t send a message. At the end of the day it’s up to her / the child who they invite. Up to you if you don’t want to invite her next year but I wouldn’t withdraw the invite or speak to the mum about it. My friend sent a text once to a mum and they got into an argument and my friend ended up looking silly

Reading all the suggestions I'd do the following, just because as pp said in a group of 4, this is a strong statement and cheeky to accept an invite but not invite your dd.

First a simple msg, " just checking if dd is invited to x party" . Two outcomes, yes or no. If no, go with this pp suggestion :

"Oh dear, seems our daughters are in a muddle. DD is sad to discover she wasn't invited last year or this , and so no longer wants to invite back. Sorry about this, I hope you understand - and I hope they'll sort it out together'."

If yes of course, I forgot etc. Reply with," no worries I thought so too, given they're so close, and all the rest told her they're going. , my dd is happy x will come to hers too."..even if the mum didn't mean it, I'd swallow my pride for dd and say to her it's a misunderstanding. The mum will get the msg that what she did was disgraceful hopefully.

No I haven’t sent the text. Truthfully the reason I want to send the text is to give myself permission to stop inviting her daughter and not feel guilty. She’s done it twice now. I never leave anyone out and I know by sending the text it would make me feel zero guilt.

If you mean not inviting her next year oP you have no reason to feel guilt; they are properly cheeky accepting multiple invitations and never reciprocating especially as their parties sound much larger.

By next year things may have changed anyway, so I wouldn’t send anything if it’s next year’s invitation you are worried about .

My concern would be more that the girl is ostensibly part of the foursome but is potentially in fact working against Dd. That’s where I’d be wanting to demonstrate some resistance.

This response is perfect. Very subtle but straight to the point.

It is obviously sad for your daughter but if she likes this girl & wants her at her party isn't that OK?

It's a hard lesson when we discover that others don't like us as much as we like them.

Unless everyone always does all class parties then not everyone will always be invited.

Read the fucking OP ….the DD DOESNT want her there 🙄

I'd uninvite her.

When it's something FOR your daughter, having someone she is not happy with at her party will really sour it... and worse, will really sour your relationship because you made her do it!

No I think this is the wrong way round.

Op I’d throwing a small party to which the girl is invited since they are a tight group of four friends.

The other girl is having a larger party, including the other two girls from the foursome but excluding OP’s DD - despite having accepted her invitation two years running and despite having capacity to include others beyond the foursome.

Do you know what @howtohabdle - I'd let your DD handle this one.

She has said she doesn't want this girl to come to her party, so I think you need to respect that. You shouldn't be the one to text the mum, let the 2 girls sort it out. Tell your DD that she can tell the girl that she is not invited to her party now.

It will be good for your DD to stand up for herself, and it might make madam think.

Do you know how twattish you make yourself look when you haven’t even been arsed to read the OP posts 🙄….if you can’t be arsed reading the posts ….don’t fucking comment

Hi, this is an awkward one. Our children appear to have had a falling out and my daughter no longer wants to invite her to her party. Do you think between us we can do anything to try and improve things for them before the day?
Hope you are ok, Habdles mum

I did the same when my son and his friend fell out before a party. We both had a chat with our kids and worked out the problem.
I realise less unreasonable as we had both invited each others kids to the parties unlike your situation.. I get why it’s playing on your mind, it did for me too. My son was 7 at the time and so so angry about the falling out with friend. It was all a big misunderstanding in the end

So you don't care about your daughter's feelings?

Why can't you call the other mum and say your daughter is hurt for being the only girl not being invited and now does not want her daughter to come on her party. Keep it polite and say understand why your daughter is hurt and you need to prioritise her.

Yes, this is a good idea too.

If that's what you want, then I would message to say
"Just checking if your daughter has said anything about a falling out with mine?
Completly understand that yours doesn't want mine at her party, but wanted to check if yours still wants to come to ours, or would prefer to not come, I dont want her feeling uncomfortable"

This worked when my daughters friend was being really funny with her before my daughters birthday party and she was thinking whether she wanted her friend to still come. We found out the issue, sorted it, and no issues since then

But this gives the option for the other child not to come without your daughter coming across as the baddy for us inviting her

OP - I sympathise and have been there but please don’t contact the other mum. By all means your DD should be wary of the other girl and not invite her to future things, but she has to spend another few years at school with this girl, and a big confrontation helps no one.

The other girl is being mean. It is hard to know whether she has any rationale, or whether it’s a girl’s power-play. But in any case, things can change. Maybe ask a teacher if she has noticed anything concerning?