DD wants to uninvite a girl from her party

[howtohabdle]

DD aged 8 is in a lovely little friendship group of 4 girls. One girl in the group has never invited DD to her party despite them being best friends. I just assumed she doesn’t have one. We invite her every year just for context. One of the girls from the class had a party today and DD came back excited saying “it’s X’s birthday next weekend am I going?” I told her we haven’t had an invite. She got upset and said all the girls from class are going. I re-assured her that sometimes there’s no space for all children. DD now wants to uninvite her which I discouraged but quite honestly I understand how she feels! I have invited her every year and to find out now she doesn’t invite my child. How nasty of the mum. Why accept our invite every year and not reciprocate.

how would you handle it? I’m thinking from next year not to invite her again. Funny thing is she is so warm when I see her at school events. I just assumed as she works full time in a highly stressful job and I never see her at drop offs and pick ups that she just doesn’t do parties.

But that's not the same as holding a big party (twice) and leaving out a good friend, which is what this person has done.

Op I’m not sure you need to phrase what you think of it because that will just lead to confrontation.

I’d simply say you wanted to clarify the situation. Make it clear that if she isn’t invited you are not fishing but just wanted to know how to handle it with DD who is upset. That’s a statement of fact but is not giving your opinion. Ask straight out if there was an error.

I wouldn’t do any “ have they fallen out??!” type questions because you know they haven’t and it’s disingenuous and will be obvious. Nor would I imply an assumption it MUST be missing. Just ask in an uncomplicated way (as it might have not reached you for whatever reason.)

The way the mum responds will guide you from there but try to stay unemotional of it will snowball.

Not really. She blustered a bit and looked taken aback but I was breezy and smiley, and right. We were civil but cool in interactions after that. No loss at all.

The reason I did not want to leave the other child out is we were inviting all the girls to a party at an outside venue, play area activity type place, so 15 girls in DD’s class, I did not want to leave only one girl out. I think that is just plain mean and I did not want to stoop to their level. So I was trying to teach my child that others can be petty and silly but we don’t need to be them. We can be the bigger person.

You can’t rescind an invitation to the girl and I wouldn’t text the mother either. No good ever comes of parents getting involved.

Could you invite the two good friends over for tea on her actual birthday or for a sleepover after the party instead? That way your daughter feels her wishes have been acknowledged without the awkwardness of uninviting? If the mother then questions you, you can say you didn’t think they were such close friends as your DD wasn’t invited to her party.

Yes I think the “ foursome” aspect puts a different perspective on this situation. The mother must know her dd had twice been an invitee to a small party and from what op says they are a tight group at school.

Normally I would say you have to let these things go, but in these circumstances it’s reasonable to find it peculiar; it isn’t just a case of a child not being invited to a party of any random child in the class.

In the circumstances as OP has outlined them, it’s either an oversight or a strong statement.

I thought this too, but it sounds like the invite was via group whatts app or similar, as another mum was able to tell OP who was and wasn't invited.
The additional challenge with this is everyone then knows that OP's child wasnt invited, so people may be wondering about it.

Send @titchy message.

Don't send the fake "i can't seem to find the invite" or assume she's invited. That's just silly.

As your DD's party is three weeks away, just Write to all invitees and say you've cancelled the party because you are going to another/important /unforseen occasion. Then immediately invite the ones you actually want. The idea of that girl coming would leave a sour feeling or dumpen the party/happy feelings. You DDwill not forget.

Funnily enough; we are going through a similar discussion in our family just now (my 9yo niece wants to uninvite someone from her 10th bday party.) It is tricky and my sister has sought my counsel over what to do (god knows why as I have sons who, god love them, are like dopey labradors and don't seem to worry about this kind of thing.) But anyway! Here's what we worked through as a family.

For girls this age, their birthday party is often the only real social capital they have. It's an annual opportunity for them to flex a bit of social muscle and exert some power over friendship dynamics that are otherwise often outwith their control. So firstly, don't underestimate how important this is to your DD: make decisions with her and influence , don't dictate.

Personally, on balance, we managed to persuade DN that it would be a greater cruelty to uninvite than not to invite someone in the first place. The moral satisfaction comes in having the POWER to uninvite, but choosing not to.

At 10, the sands of friendship are constantly shifting and I imagine soon the girls will be off to different schools where opportunities will exist for new friendships to be made. This can be scary but also reassuring for girls who can sometimes be caught in an unhealthy or unsatisfying friendship dynamic. This feeling won't last forever. And it won't be the last time she feels left out of something in life. She is worthy and if someone else can't see that, it is their choice but their loss. Horrible sicky life lesson.

Also, who's to say that the birthday party needs to be the only big event in your daighter's year? Perhaps when schools break up for summer you can let her have some friends round for a "schools out" picnic/ slumber party/ whatever and she can control that invitee list more closely and perhaps this girl will be on it, perhaps she won't: again, your daughter has some power.

In my DN's situation there was a complicated situation (she joined the school midway through a year and was breaking into an established group where two girls were welcoming and one was hostile. My DN was desperate to impress the hostile girl despite her being foul to her.) Although in the end she didn't uninvite the hostile girl, it has been such a useful opportunity for my sister to explore behaviours with her daughter that can hopefully nip in the bud any "pick me" behaviour which could pass into her relationships down the line. Why do we crave the attention of people who don't deserve it, etc?

So my advice- talk with your daughter about the bigger picture. Although the party feels like the most important thing in her life right now, it is just a day. She has the entire rest of her life to work out who she wants to socialise and spend time with and she can do that wisely now that she knows that this girl just ain't that into her (however much that smarts and sparks the craving for retaliation). The best retaliation is to go ahead with the party as planned and then fade herself out of this girl's sphere if she wishes to do so.

Hope this helps. We honestly agonised over this for weeks.

Sometimes the parent is blameless. I had a group of four girls last year but in conversation with one of their mums I mentioned their 'great little friendship group of 4' and she thought I'd made a mistake as she thought they were a 3, claimed never to have heard the fourth girls name.

I would absolutely un invite. Through a rational message not a school yard “you’re invited ha ha”

this is your daughters birthday. Why are you putting someone else’s feelings or your own embarrassment first?

Actually I rather like the idea of adding a sleepover. Normally it would be rude for one child to have to leave while the others stayed on but it’s not as if they have a leg to stand on.

To me the salient feature in this particular situation is the fact OP has said they are a friendship grouping of 4. What worries me in it is it is indicative to me that op’s DD is at risk of being bullied and pushed out of her own inner circle if this child is clearly not a friend. I think, yes, while you do things in good grace where it is a whole class type situation, I feel as though op needs to support her DD in signalling a line in the sand as to how far her DD can be pushed about in her close group . The sleepover idea requires no confrontation but will send a signal when pick up time comes.

I think it’s very sad that grown adults are encouraging their children to play the tit for tat game.

Me too. So many of the responses on here would make this child's school life worse. Getting ones own back is rarely as neat as one might hope. Uninviting someone is such a harsh thing to do, that it's likely that the other girls in the group would hold it against OP's daughter and take the uninvited girl's side. Is it really worth that risk?

I honestly don't understand why people can't see this.

No just ask: was she invited?

You are free to believe what you want. Also was mentioned that we come here and steal their jobs. We are asian and do professional skilled jobs here, think lawyer, doctor, chartered accountant, engineer etc. 🤦🏽‍♀️ So the mum is probably racist too!

And this lady is a white British teacher at the school! The only saving grace is bcoz DD’s friend is in her class her mother will not become her class teacher and my DD is spared having her as a teacher! 😅

I’m going against the grain here but I definitely would NOT message her. I would invite her daughter as planned and I’d throw the best fucking party known to man. When the other girl comes with her Mum I would kill them with kindness and greet them really warmly. Fuck them. I genuinely think this is teaching your daughter ‘We’re nice people and include everyone’ if Amelia doesn’t invite you it’s her loss and let’s do something amazing on that weekend. Like you said, I wouldn’t want her to be invited out of pity after some cringeworthy / painfully awkward text. The mother might just reply ‘course Lucy is invited! Must be an oversight!’ Then I would just assume she was lying. What if she replies ‘To be honest Amelia doesn’t like Lucy’. It just opens a can of worms.

I would do this too. Nice breezy message - this pp nails it. I think you'll feel immediately better if you do this OP, it will boost your self- esteem to stand up for your dd. You are in a bad place mentally by the sounds of things after the bereavement and you're thinking confronting this will make you feel worse- but I would argue its the not confronting it that's making you feel worse and stuck in rumination

I would text saying "just checking if (your daughters name) is invited to X's party?" And leave it at that. It is bad form not inviting only one girl from the friendship group.

It is exclusionary bullying as it's happened before. There is no harm in you knowing exactly what's things stand and the other parent knowing you know.

No, don’t ask. She wasn’t invited! It’s bloody obvious. She wasn’t invited last year either. Texting is like sending a bloody begging letter or texting a bloke after a first date ‘Hey, do you like me then? You said you would ring but you haven’t!

Children over time make their own choices as to who their friends are and parents have little say as to who children spend time with . My son is out every weekend with his best friend . At primary he was always excluded , I knew it wasn’t the other child . Please OP don’t send any messages it won’t help DD . If these two kids are good friends they will stay that way and overtime the other mum will have no say . If the friendship isn’t genuine your DD will move on

What 'ALOT(sic)' of nonsense.

Not messaging is a good choice OP, I would do the same and stop inviting her from next year, especially if DD isn't the only one not invited.

Sometimes it's for no good reason at all. I was in a fairly small, close group at high school. For the first 3 years, one girl, who had parties for her birthday, Halloween and Christmas every year, invited all of the group except for me. I had to sit quietly while everyone discussed what they'd be doing/wearing that weekend, and be completely clueless when we came back after the weekend and people were discussing the party. At first people assumed I was invited and just didn't turn up until I had to awkwardly say I hadnt been invited (not a case of missing a group announcement, she always handed out handmade invitations so definitely not an oversight). Eventually one friend just asked her why she always excluded me and she started inviting me. There were no issues, our parents didn't know each other and she never mentioned any specific issue to me or others, it was just one of those things.

There's always the - some of the girls stay behind after the party for an extra treat, eg sleep over or movies or something else. Invite the others and not this girl.

In normal circumstances I’d agree. But in a group of four close friends it’s either a very strong statement or an oversight. It’s better to know which.

We all have to deal with rejection gracefully from the world ( or class) at large. But in a close friendship group it’s a different statement: it’s bullying by exclusion.