I need so parenting advice please 🙏

[Blueberryancakes]

Last day of term and I said I’d give my daughter £10 as a treat to spend in the toy shop.
She came out of school and also asked for a cake at the cake
shop and I said ok.

At the toy shop she was upset that I wouldn’t spend £20 on a toy. I explained we only had £10. She chose a toy for £10 all the way home she sulked and cried because it wasn’t the £20 one.

Im really pissed off with how ungrateful she was. So I told her she wasn’t having a cake.

Shes now in her room screaming, stamping her feet and making herself sick

am I in the wrong going back on my word buying her a cake?

How old is she?

9

Of course you can’t act like a spoilt brat and still get cake. Stand firm Op. disgraceful behaviour from a 9 year old.

9 you do like to push boundaries. Stay strong, you’ve done the right thing.

Sounds like she needs to learn about budgeting and the value of money. Does she get any pocket money at the moment? If not is that something you could start doing so that she can budget and save up for something like a toy that she wants instead of just expecting to get it?

Nah. Tell her to jog on.

9!! I thought you were going to say 4

I’d take the toy off her; leave her to clam down and and when she’s ready explain how disappointed you are in her behaviour

even allowing for Friday afternoon tiredness she sounds like she’s working herself up

At 9 she is taking the piss. I actually would have turned around and took the £10 toy back so she had nothing

This.

But I'd also take @FionnulaTheCooler 's advice about budgeting and beginning to understand the value of money.

At the time I probably would have said that we have 10 to spend and that is all. She can either pick something for 10 or save the 10 and save up for the other toy. If that was met with resistance I would have just taken her home.
If the sulking and crying only started on the way home I would have returned to the shop and returned the toy.

She does have pocket money but she spent it.

This £10 was just a little treat because I had it in my purse.
She asked for a cake and last day of school I thought yeah why not? Was going to treat myself as well.

Shes screaming and shouting now because I’ve said no to the cake.

she’s saying she’s crying because it’s obvious I hate her! I adore her!

Im just so ashamed of her bratty behaviour I felt there needed to be a consequence

just needed so support that I did the right thing

her dad isn’t answering the phone so thought Mumsnet could help

I was expecting a 5 year old.

I'd probably remove the toy from her due to her behaviour.

Eat the cake, you’ll feel much better, cakes solves so many of life’s problems.

I feel the cake and toy are separate things - I also wouldn't use food as a reward/punishment for behaviour.

I can suggest you talk to her and empathise with her disappointment but also share how disappointed you are that a gift of £10 for a toy was unappreciated. That £10 is a lot of money for you to give her.

She does sound like she is acting younger than expected for her peer group. It could be she's tired or feeling unwell, or even something has happened at school, but if this tantrum behaviour is something that happens often then she needs help on emotional regulation. There are lots of parenting websites and advice on that.

9! The toy would have gone back to the shop. I don’t put up with Veruca Salt kicking off. How privileged she already is, being given a tenner to spend on whatever she likes and being taken for cake to boot! I’d let her calm down herself without engaging further, and hope she comes to the conclusion that she’s been a brat. Don’t give her a big emotional response. I’d want her to come to me. At 9 she’s old enough to work it out.

You've done the right thing OP. Stand firm. No cake and a firm word, when she calms down, is about right in my opinion.

Nah. She’s just a bit spoiled and is not accustomed to hearing the word “no”.

My 9 year old can be similar and we are working very hard on it.

Ignore her behavior and why are you calling your husband ?

I assume she sees you as a soft touch parent.

Honestly OP if you don't change this spoilt behavior now , you're never going to manage the teenage years.

She won't be "emotionally damaged" by you saying no to her.

Oh dear.

Going against the grain to say that back on your word about the cake probably escalated the situation unnecessarily. You could have used the situation to reconnect and explain that the agreed limit was £10.
Last day of term is hugely exhausting, and at 9 she's still very much learning how to manage complex emotions.

yeah. Buy the cake and reward the behaviour.

🤦🏻‍♀️

This.

I can't believe you are trying to call your dh, and doubting yourself because your dd is manipulating you.

Same here.

If I had the money in the budget I would have negotiated the £10 up-to £20 if she agreed on my terms. Chores, extra learning or something along those lines.

When possible I always try to compromise and use any parenting situation as a learning opportunity.

It really does depend on past behavior and conduct around these issues though.

The cake situation she should feel able to express to you how she feels about the £10 toy instead of the £20 toy and not be reprimanded by withholding the cake. The two things are separate. She’s expressing to you how she feels, yes it maybe ungrateful but she’s 9 and doesn’t yet have the skills to express herself in a way that gets across how upset she is without coming across ungrateful.

But I didn’t have an extra £10

Mum promised cake separately from the toy incident. The promise was not contingent on DD's behaviour. It's about separating the two events. Sure mum could say , "I don't feel like doing this thing that I said I would because I don't like how you behaved" or something similar so that DD understands clearly the connection, but to me that seems overly punitive and unlikely to lead to intrinsically motivated behavioural changes because it breaks down avenues for communication.

A more appropriate consequence to me would be no you. Give another chance at the end of next term. It's directly relevant with clear variety and effect. You don't want this toy and want another one that we can't get? No toy.