I need so parenting advice please 🙏

[Blueberryancakes]

Last day of term and I said I’d give my daughter £10 as a treat to spend in the toy shop.
She came out of school and also asked for a cake at the cake
shop and I said ok.

At the toy shop she was upset that I wouldn’t spend £20 on a toy. I explained we only had £10. She chose a toy for £10 all the way home she sulked and cried because it wasn’t the £20 one.

Im really pissed off with how ungrateful she was. So I told her she wasn’t having a cake.

Shes now in her room screaming, stamping her feet and making herself sick

am I in the wrong going back on my word buying her a cake?

She’s 9. She understands the connection.

She was disappointed, if you were her how would you feel?

I don't see how taking away the cake and punishing her is at all constructive

You could try empathising and maybe start a list for Christmas/birthday and put the £20 toy on the list

There's some horrible parents on this thread

I can’t even

😂

If you didn’t have £10 extra spare nothing to be done if she wasn’t willing to compromise and wait til she had £20. The cake is a separate issue.

Nothing to be done?! It’s irrelevant whether the additional £10 was available or not. She was told £10 and she was lucky to have that.

Oh my god excluding SN or neurodiversity a 9 year old can absolutely understand you were having cake. You behaved appallingly and as a consequence now cannot. I would also remove the toy, another day like a rainy day, I would bring it out.

Yes but she was told she could have cake too and yet this was taken away from her for expressing her emotions!

Children are not robots with compliance written into their code they have feelings too!

I just felt like she’s just been so ungrateful- £10 is a lot of money for me and I felt I was doing a nice thing.

To then take her to the cake shop after she was sulking was rewarding her bad behaviour

I’ll buy her a cake tomorrow

I have a 9 year old, she's old enough to understand about money so you did the right thing.
I might have said she could have the £20 toy but no cake and had to help with some sort of chore over the holidays to earn the rest.

How much is the cake? Could you not have compromised no cake but then you can have a £20 toy? The cakes here are minimum £4 a piece.

Expressing her emotions? She was being vile because I wouldn’t give her another £10

I had already explained she could save her money and get the bigger toy next week

It is not acceptable to be given a free gift of £10 and then kick off like Veruca Salt because it is not deemed to be enough.

You are not your kids’ friend. You have to teach them this stuff. You have to teach them that that behaviour is not ok.

Cake is about £1 a piece in our local bakery- 80p for biscuit type one

You did not state this in your OP!

You’re doing a great job. Carry on as you are.

God almighty I feel like I am losing my mind 🤯

Do you realise how much 20 pound is? Not everyone has it to spare. Op also said she had spent her pocket money.

I’ll buy her a cake tomorrow

Then you may as well go and buy it for her now.

Better to sit her down tomorrow and have a chat to see if she understands that her behaviour in the toy shop was a consequence of why she wasn't allowed to have the cake.

There’s some parents on this thread.

Fixed it for you.

Stand firm. You're right, she's being a brat. Consequences are the way she'll learn. If she kicks off all night so be it, she's strong willed. Consequences still exist. You're doing a great job!

I would have done exactly the same as you OP. I also have a sometimes stroppy 9 yo Dd and at that age they should understand and appreciate the boundaries set around the £10 limit. I would not have rewarded the behaviour with cake.

Im not buying her cake while she’s having a tantrum

tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start

End of school year is very dysregulating time.

I’m definitely a soft touch. I think feeling upset about the toy is ok and would have had a conversation about the options - wait and save, choose something else, as well as about money realities - I wish I could afford more but this is what we have. Maybe lightened it with some humour about what would happen if we didn’t pay the electricity bill

You’re both disappointed in each other and catastrophising. You don’t hate her. She’s not a brat (I know this because you wouldn’t be so thrown if this was normal). It’s time to make up and move on but as the adult it’s your job to model how to do that.

I was going to say why do you need to calm your husband and without him turn to MN over some pretty basic parenting. But there you are planning a cake for tomorrow. So maybe you do need advice.

This is just really common bad behaviour. You say no to being a brat. Fine to cancel the cake because of her rudeness. And whilst I’m not saying you should tell her no cake ever (or a week, or tomorrow) as a specific punishment, it seems rather foolish of you to be planning already to give her a cake tomorrow. Why even offer it?