I need so parenting advice please 🙏

[Blueberryancakes]

Last day of term and I said I’d give my daughter £10 as a treat to spend in the toy shop.
She came out of school and also asked for a cake at the cake
shop and I said ok.

At the toy shop she was upset that I wouldn’t spend £20 on a toy. I explained we only had £10. She chose a toy for £10 all the way home she sulked and cried because it wasn’t the £20 one.

Im really pissed off with how ungrateful she was. So I told her she wasn’t having a cake.

Shes now in her room screaming, stamping her feet and making herself sick

am I in the wrong going back on my word buying her a cake?

That £10 toy would have been straight back in the shop and there would have been no cake if that was my 10 year old. By 9 she should know better than tantrums and screaming

@Blueberryancakes I found parenting hard too and it sounds like you are doing a great job after reading your last update. We all do things differently and it’s good to explore other perspectives.

The shoeboxes are a lovely thing to do together.

Enjoy your half term and days out.

I just read the post you were originally replying to. With that context I get your post. no I would not be acting and creating a daft emotional response to make my child sad- I agree with you that that is ridiculous.

I just think the word ‘shame’ is thrown about too much and it’s not always a bad thing in the right context.

Ignore her. If I had behaved like that at her age I wouldn't have sat down for a week. So I didn't behave like that because I knew that if I did...^^^ well, see above 😉

Seriously? You are advocating spanking a child?

If you ever start to doubt yourself for imposing sanctions for poor behaviour, imagine a future with a teen who shouts at you, verbally abuses you, storms out of the house to goodness knows where when she's too big for you to stop her, eveytime you say no to the new trainers you cant afford or the all night party she's too young for. It might hurt a bit now, but you have to nip it in the bud, early and firmly, or you will reap what you sow.

Emotional pain? She wouldn’t have got the cake if she had behaved herself, which she didn’t. She acted like a brat. Maybe next time she will do better and get what she wants.

She doesn't sound like a brat to me. Just an upset 9 year old.

I’m leaving now as OP has it all sorted and they sound happy now it’s all resolved between them.

Sorry you're having such a hard time, both today and in this thread! It sounds like a very challenging situation and especially when you probably envisioned a very different reaction & a lovely trip out with DD. It looks like opinions vary here but I would have done the same thing. My DD is a few years younger but I have found since giving her pocket money on a debit card (she has online banking on her tablet), she has much more of an awareness of money/budgeting and saving. When she's given extra treat money, she will come away from the toy shop empty handed wanting to wait to save as she gets it added to her card and she knows what she has on her card is her lot. In the longer term, it may be worth looking into that option?

100% same.

Yes she was ungrateful. She sounds a bit spoiled. Do you often give in and go back on your word when you've said no? If you get her a cake tomorrow you're just teaching her that she can get her own way by being unpleasant!

Which is why a few of us have said pocket money is helpful for children to learn to budget.
From what the OP has said, the dd does have pocket money, but OP says "she had spent it".
Surely the point of pocket money is to learn that 'If you spend it when you get it, you won't ever have any saved up to use when you see something you like.'

That 'When it is gone, it is gone'.

This would be a really good learning point.

"I am offering you £10 to buy a toy as a special treat. You have a choice - you can have the £10 toy, or I will hold on to the £10 for you, and, when you have saved the rest out of your pocket money, we can come back and buy the £20 one". A 9 yr old is old enough to understand that, and if they weren't before today, then they would learn from this.

End of school year is very dysregulating time

A total aside, but it isn't the end of the school year.

I know it’s bit late in the day for this advice, but do you think low blood sugar had anything to do with it? I remember years ago being astonished and bemused when my then 7 year old had a massive full on tantrum - screaming, on the floor, pounding heels - because of some slight change of an after-school plan. I managed to persuade him to a snack and a drink, and within minutes normality was restored, as if by magic! Maybe if she’d had the cake first, your dd wouldn’t have kicked off about the toy!

OP, your child doesn't sound particularly bratty, on sugar low, withdrawal or anything at all unusual. Sounds like a disappointed child having a bad day.
You said parenting is tricky and you don't want to get it wrong. News flash: you will. I've yet to meet a parent that didn't make mistakes. I don't think you made a mistake today, anyway. Chat with dd about what happened and ask why. Tell her your expectations, that it's okay to be disappointed and upset as well but that you make the rules. Good idea re the fresh start. Suggest it as a do-over. I like that because you'll be teaching she hasn't blown it with you and that there are second chances. ☺️

I try not to use food as reward and punishment as I think it set me up for a life of “treating myself” because “I deserve it”

But otherwise it sounds like you handled it great. You held the boundary of saying no we only have 10£ to spend. You gave her a generous option of waiting till next week. You can have a chat now. Was it out of character - she may have been tired and hungry?

Yeah going back on cake wasn't right. Cake and toy were separate.

I think a lot of people are over-estimating 9 yo's at the end of term. Firstly no they don't really understand money and budgets. She probably was upset about the £20 toy. It doesn't seem a huge amount to her. I remember being that age.

I think loads of people are being really harsh on the OP. I wouldn't have given my 9 year old a cake if he'd had a tantrum either. Maybe I'm a stricter parent than I thought because I also wouldn't have let him buy the toy if he was complaining about not getting the more expensive one either! Children need to learn boundaries around finances and treats.