I need so parenting advice please 🙏

[Blueberryancakes]

Last day of term and I said I’d give my daughter £10 as a treat to spend in the toy shop.
She came out of school and also asked for a cake at the cake
shop and I said ok.

At the toy shop she was upset that I wouldn’t spend £20 on a toy. I explained we only had £10. She chose a toy for £10 all the way home she sulked and cried because it wasn’t the £20 one.

Im really pissed off with how ungrateful she was. So I told her she wasn’t having a cake.

Shes now in her room screaming, stamping her feet and making herself sick

am I in the wrong going back on my word buying her a cake?

So you take that as OP is in poverty?

I suspect there's many people out there that feel £10 is a lot of money but aren't all "in poverty"

OP’s reply was that no negotiation upgrading to a £20 toy could be made til the following week whether this was a boundary or budgeting only OP can answer. The advice given was to compromise which OP said she could not financially accommodate on that day. £10 is a lot of money to waste on a toy that brought misery and disappointment and negotiating a £10 upgrade for a £20 toy if it was financially feasible would have at least not been a total waste of money, time and effort. Again, OP asked for parenting advice the fact is she is not interested in advice only platitudes that her parenting is exemplary.

Yes, only the OP does know the answer, but you went a head and assumed it's because she's "in poverty", not because she may of had other expenses at this time.

Still hey look on the bright side.
If only poverty for everyone was solved so quickly.

I literally said she ‘didn’t state’ she was in poverty to another poster saying ‘£20 was a lot of money’. I’m not sure what you are trying to say? Are you agreeing with me? It seems like you are but you don’t actually realise you are?

I think you are making a massive deal over this. You didn't give in and get her what she wanted, that's great, if you consistently never give in to those kinds of demands she will learn. She was angry, that's okay. She is allowed to have feelings.She won't understand the value of £10 in relation to your current bank balance because that's not her job to know that, she's a kid. From then on it's about how BOTH child and adult handle their respective feelings. Mum feels unappreciated, daughter feels cross. As the adult you need to model how to cope with negative emotions, not fuel arguments and escalate situations because you need to punish. You had planned cake before this even happened so could have carried on with this if she had calmed down by that point. It seems she wasn't able to calm herself, so the logical next step is to just go home. Now just drop it. Give her a big hug and then forget about it. Be the adult, be the bigger person and ask her if she needs some help to calm down. A hug, breath with her etc.

That level of ungrateful sulking would have resulted in the toy being returned to the shop asap if she was mine.
Hold strong, you have of course done the right thing.

I would have said no toy at all neither if she is going to behave like that. She’s 9, not 3. Time to grow the heck up. What a great start to half term!

Fan of ‘gentle parenting’ by any chance?
Why are you desperate to make amends. Her behavior was vile. She can have the cake if and when she learns to behave. That my be tomorrow or may be the 10th of never.

You’re doing the right thing by standing your ground OP. Once she’s calmed down explain why there is consequences to her actions and in the future should she behave that way there will be further consequences and no more treats until she sorts her attitude out. 9 year olds are hard work - I have younger children but my sister also had some time of it between the ages of 8-10 with my DN. She’s not a bad child, just having big emotions and doesn’t know how to process them.

I think you went in too high… why a toy for the end of term? It’s only a week off.

It's not about the money. 9 is way too old to be throwing a strop. She needs strong consequences for her outrageous behaviour.

I would let the tantrum run it's course and go in with a hot chocolate or similar and say something like "I am sorry you got upset, but I don't have £20 today. I had £10 and that is what we agreed to. I don't have a magic purse that can make money appear. It's no different to when you spend all your money. There is no more".

That could go two ways. Either she has calmed down and apologises. Or she kicks off again.

If it's the former, then I would praise her for acknowledging she was in the wrong and suggest she comes down stairs and we make a plan to buy some cake tomorrow.

If she kicks off again, I would leave her to it.

'Outrageous behaviour'? She threw a strop, she didn't burn down the school. Get a grip.

"Telling her off" or simply punishing/ grounding/ confiscating is a waste of a huge valuable lesson of growth to her right now.

I would wait til she's calm and then make her listen to how bitterly sad and disappointed she has made you. If you cry or show emotion, that's a good thing.

She needs to feel guilty and ashamed of her ungrateful she has behaved.

Let her learn through feeling genuine remorse rather than just another punishment which will drive a greater wedge between you without actually teaching her anything.

Oh good lord. What utterly ridiculous advice. You think that the OP should stage a crying fit to manipulate her daughter into apologising!? For behaving like a normal nine year old? Ok, so she was a little bratty and ungrateful, for sure. But this level of drama is just absurd.

‘She needs to feel guilty and ashamed of her ungrateful she has behaved’

This is wrong just so wrong.

Children do not need their loved ones to make them feel guilty and ashamed! WTF!

Guide them in expressing their emotions in a way that allows others to understand how they feel. She has a right to feel upset and disappointed! Everybody does. Whether that is justified is subjective.

If my 9 year old did that he wouldn’t get the cake or toy and there would be a further punishment like an electronic ban when we got home. There would also be some budget related conversation. My 3 year old wouldn’t sulk about not getting the toy he wanted.

we are very consistent in our house - yes always means yes and no means no. No amount of sulking would result in us changing our mind.

You offered £10 in the toy shop and a cake, so I feel you should have adhered to that

And it's not a good idea to use food as a reward or punishment, as that approach can lead to disordered eating

I also think that, having imposed a punishment, you should stay firm. It's not good for a child to think that they can wear you down by screaming and sulking

Tricky. Not sure what's best

And it's not a good idea to use food as a reward or punishment, as that approach can lead to disordered eating

I can see that this might apply where a child has food withheld from them as a routine punishment for bad behaviour eg sent to bed without dinner sort of thing, and they are going hungry as a result. But I don’t buy for a second that it extends to treats like being taken for cake. That’s not the same thing.

Shame is not a bad feeling. Of course you should feel shameful over poor behaviour. Children should feel remorseful when they have behaved badly towards others.

shame is other situations such as over their capability or their body, of course is wrong. But when a child has behaved in this way, I have no issue with them feeling bad about it. It’s how they learn normal reactions as adults. Ie a child that hits another child should feel shame and remorse…. A man that hits his wife should feel shame and remorse.

I wouldn’t have bought her a cake either op. You just treated her to a toy and her response was to sulk and cry. That behaviour doesn’t get rewarded and I’d probably take the toy back as she clearly doesn’t want it.

I do agree that tomorrow is a new day but wouldn’t be rushing to the cake shop, I’d be more “if you can show me some better behaviour then we can go for cake later this weekend”. You don’t want a heavy cloud over the whole bank holiday.

I would argue developing a child’s ability to empathise is a far better way to illicit remorse for past behaviour that had a negative effect on others rather than shaming them. Two very different approaches.

Shame is a negative damaging emotion under any circumstances.

It's hard to make smart decisions in the heat of the moment. Denying cake as punishment for bad behaviour over the toy price wasn't a good move as it gave your DD more reason to perform. She may have sugar cravings anticipating the cake, and has suffered withdrawal symptoms. Wean her off sweet treats, and manage her expectations around money separately. Don't let your emotions get in the way. Parenting is hard work!!

Lots of mixed views and thank you to all that helped me.

I find parenting really tricky as I don’t want to get it wrong. I try gently gently but sometimes it just doesn’t work.

I have some money put to one side for a couple of day trips next week and it’s the end of the month so if that’s poverty than I’m a povvo. I had £10 to spare this week.

She calmed down and we had a chat about her behaviour.

We sent some Christmas shoeboxes at Christmas for children abroad with nothing.At the time We watched some videos of the children opening them I they got so emotional over everyday items like toothbrushes and flannels.
I reminded her of this and how children out there have next to nothing and she should have been grateful for the £10 I gave her. She does get pocket money and can earn money via chores- I explained if she wanted the bigger toy she could save for it.

Someone mentioned I should have got the better quality toy for more money. The toy in question was a squishmallow. She could afford a small one but wanted a bigger one- so they same toy just different size.

Someone also mentioned about the small amount £10 was and she’d have gotten that over £30 years ago. Good for you - you were lucky to have parents on a better financial situation than us.

We aren’t rich- however we are home owners both work and have no debt.

Thank you for this answer. As someone with a food problem this is really helpful.