Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

Wow what a waste of space dad. I would drop them off after they finish on the Saturday. What's the point him having them and doing nothing. If he threatens court then take him up on it and from not keeping all correspondence via email or messages you can screenshot

Right, no court order, difficult prick of a dad, zero engagement… they stay with you until after the riding lesson and then he sees them for sat pm (unless a party planned) until Sunday pm.

possession being 9/10ths of the law and everything, stop ASKING, start TELLING. Then offer week day time in text/writing as a compromise and <shrug> if he rejects it.

Oh and if he refuses, tell him it’s this the above Saturday pm until Sunday pm every weekend or the same, but EOW.

stop allowing him to bully you!

After my sister left her abusive husband he tried to play games with contact too. Apparently no clubs, activities, hobbies, homework or kids parties and playdates could take place on "his" time. After running herself ragged she eventually went back to her solicitor and she ended up with a letter mandating that he had to take her to her activities on his days and support her with homework and you know generally be a parent.

To be honest I’d just start keeping them until after horseriding on a Saturday.

He will be an horrible arse to you about it, but sounds like he is a horrible arse to you anyway.

He may threaten court, but he won’t do it because he doesn’t really want them. As is obvious by the fact that he won’t have them in the week and he ignores them when they’re at his. He is just trying to bully you by threatening a custody battle. Time to call his bluff!

I'm not piling on her, I'm frustrated for her! I'd talk this way to my best friend for what it's worth. She can't be downtrodden by this man for the rest of her life and I imagine she's come here for support - sometimes support is honest and tough!

You're forgetting that it is the children's time, not the dad's or the mom's time.

You have nothing to lose by going to court to ask for EOW. You have everything to lose by capitulating to a bully for a quiet life. This is not a quiet life.

I think this is actually a good thing. The set up you have now isn't fair to you or the kids so him forcing you to formalise it is good.

Can you pay a solicitor to draft a formal letter? Offer him something reasonable like Saturday at 5 until Monday night or even Tuesday (doesn't matter if he doesn't want the week time, it puts down formally that you've offered).

That accommodates the lessons but splits weekend fairly. You get Friday night and Saturday morning and afternoon. Time to chill, enjoy the kids, have movie nights etc.

He gets the same on a Saturday and then all day Sunday.

It also means you aren't waiting on him bringing them back for your time so removes that power.

If he wants to challenge it he can take you to Court but he is extremely unlikely to get every weekend and you are not any worse than you already are.

That’s exactly what I was wondering! I see he won’t. What a dick.

Agree with all pps he is a shit.
I’d either insist on what I wanted, and If he put up any fight whatsoever I would take him to court for either a schedule that suited me (and the kids) best; or I would say go for full custody. Realistically does he care about a relationship with them? No. Their development? Doesn’t sound like it.

This sounds like good timings to me.
best of luck op x

It doesn’t matter what he wants - get some legal advice and if necessary push to go to court to have this written down as he is still abusing you.

Totally agree. I MADE SURE my kids didn’t miss out and let him take me to court over same. He got soundly put back into his box by the judge who backed me

Stop going along with him just because 'he won't.' You would be best in this case getting a court order (Like you, I much prefer less formal arrangements, but that assumes both parents are reasonable).

If he still won't see them during the week when it's court arranged time, then that's his loss. He doesn't see them. You have them every other weekend. If this means they only go riding once a fortnight, that's sad, but it's better than your current arrangement. As part of the court agreement, he should pay for their activities during his time.

He sounds like an abusive bully.

OP split the weekends in half.

TELL him the kids will be going to his Saturday after their lessons and then he can either drop them to you on Sunday afternoon OR he is welcome to have them Sunday night and drop them at breakfast club in the morning. T
State he is also welcome to have them on a midweek night for tea or an overnight if he'd like to. Put it in writing. Text or email.

This way you are still offering two (or even three if he'd like) overnights a week.

Screenshot it. And his replies to it.

Don't discuss it verbally. Don't listen to him ranting.

Don't let him have all this control over you and the kids. He's emotionally abusing them telling them that the hobby they love is for sissies.

Put your big girl pants on and tell him and the kids there will be a new routine.

If ex doesn't like it he's welcome to take you to court where you can show the issues around their Saturday hobby, his refusal to transport to it and his "opinions" on it voiced to the kids, as well as show his refusal to do any other overnights or times with the kids. They'll laugh at him!

@OhMoreDrama
Sorry to hear your ex partner is such an inconsirderate arsehole 💩 who is piss poor useless father too...

Man child Prick

This should be about what the children want to do and their needs. If they want to ride on a Saturday, parents facilitate it. Moaning about his time and my time doesn't put DC first. It sees them as chores and annoyances. It is hurtful to them and wrong.

Assuming both want to see dad, there needs to be a better arrangement. I suggest dad is 5 nights out of 14 and every other weekend. The OP absolutely can facilitate the riding if he won't. It's utterly selfish he won't do that for them.

I would see a family solicitor and try and sort it out.

You are being too accommodating. You are entitled to weekend time with them as well. Either you get them until Saturday afternoon or alternating weekends. It sounds you’ll need to go to court. Don’t let him rule you. Fight for your children.

I'd contact a solicitor and go for full custody. Sounds like you'd be better off and now have plenty of evidence [assuming this is all via text] about his lack of flexibility, sense of personal responsibility/capability to do the smallest thing like take them to a birthday party, unwillingness to do anything at all with his children at the weekend as evidenced by their screen time, and total lack of interest in seeing them during the week.

That said, I doubt you'd get it so consider what you could actually live with.
Have you asked the school if they are doing mid week group lessons over the summer? Tricky in the winter unless they have an indoor school or lighting but if there's enough interest... It would mean you finishing early on a Wed for example to get them there, but you could make up the time if they are off to their fathers on Friday.

My kids loved it too and it did great things for their confidence. He is a complete shit bag. Show the kids videos of men competing at Badminton 3 day Event if they are in any doubt that this is a sport for sissies !
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001z9rv

Have a look into holiday pony camps. They usually run all day with 2 hours of riding, stable mgmt lessons and games. They can easily do a terms worth of riding lessons in a few days and obviously lots of social stuff along with learning to care for the ponies.

My ex partner was a like a Turd too 💩

So know what it's like...

Why are you making them go then? He sounds like a complete cunt to both you and them. Stick up for you and the kids and refuse contact until he goes to court. He sounds like he’s really worn you down so I won’t say ‘protect them’ but their dad saying their chosen hobby is for sissies is very unpleasant indeed.

Come to the horse section and maybe we can find you another riding school that will suit your needs :) I'm in the NE too :)

Then you're going to have to be more assertive.

TELL him in writing that his contact will now be every other weekend, one week day evening and half of school holidays.

You'll just have to tell the boys that daddy won't let them do horse riding on his weekend.

Stop doing what he says! Why are you doing that?
So what if he calls you names?
Decide what’s best for the boys and change to that.
Time to find your strength to protect your boys and yourself.