Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

As others have said you need to stand up to him and not let him dictate your life. It sounds like you need legal advice. I don’t know anything about custody etc but this organisation might be of help. They offer affordable legal advice (with payment plans) as well as tools for navigating various aspects of separation/divorce including custody
www.separatespace.co.uk/
Recently heard about it on a podcast, currently offering a discount of 20% with code ‘everything20’

Let him take you to Court for full custody and use it as an opportunity to set formal custody arrangements including joint responsibilities for pick up and drop off to school and have it on record that he is verbally abusing you.

As a side issue - kids miss out when their parents break up. They miss out on seeing their friends, they miss out on activities, they miss out on seeing their parents. They also miss out on weekend horse riding lessons.

I would cancel the lessons and tell your sons why and take your ex to Court for 50/50 custody.

This is horrendous for your boys. Your ex is just a horrible human but in the gentlest way possible you are letting them down too. You say he was so awful about EOW you just let him have every weekend? How can you have backed down like that? Get to court with a reasonable offer of 50/50 with 3 days during the week one week and 4 days the next including the weekend. Say you are happy to give him EOW only if he continues to refuse to have them during the week but that you want to see your children at the weekend.

No sure if I have missed this but how old are the boys?

Everything about the set up sounds wrong for children - every weekend bored on tablets sounds very soul destroying.

Difficult to advise as your ex is bullying you, and difficult to predict how he would react to any assertive behaviour on your part though. Are you able to get some legal advice? Keep up with the riding in the meantime.

Let him take you to court - the court in a similar dispute for a friend, required that the kids activities and hobbies at the weekend were observed and maintained - so if he does this, he may find himself court-order to take them himself. The court could give a shit about arsehole parents, they will only look at what the boys want and need. At this point you can also ask for a shared care agreement that allows you time with the boys at weekends too so that you can also have quality time with them and strengthen your bond and thus their relationship with you.

I truly think he (or you) should take it to court. It won’t go Dad’s way.

OP you need to take him to court to get an arrangement that suits you better. Keep a record of the abusive messages and obstructions in arranging anything that fits with the boys schedule.

cmon Op you can do this.

What works better for you? Him having sat pm to sun pm every week or alternate weekends? Decide which is best. Set up an email address purely to communicate with him. Send him an email and tell him that from next weekend the schedule is changing to x, and the kids will be available for a weekday evening if he would like too.
If he rings and yells at you, put the phone down and tell him to email you, if he's unhappy he's welcome to arrange mediation.
If he's vile, hang up the phone, if he's threatening ring the police. Any text messages screenshot them and send them to your new email address.

The only way this stops is you taking a massive scary step and taking control of it. He will tantrum massively as that has always worked getting what he wants. Go grey rock. " the contact wasn't fair on the boys nor me, I'm changing it, you're welcome to arrange mediation and court if you disagree" rinse and repeat.

Isn’t contact supposed to be for the children’s benefit? I don’t see the point in yours seeing their father if they hate it.

You need to negotiate a fairer arrangement that can work for everyone. We have always done 1 night in the week plus half the weekend. I was keen to move to alternate weekends but my son and his dad were not, so I just went along with it as he was in his teens by then. If he can't be reasonable you could get mediation. What a stress! If you alternate weekends perhaps they could ride every other week. Also, why can't he take them??

Contact is for the benefit of the children not the father- a fact a lot of fathers/people seem to miss.

Tell him to take you to court. My ex tried the same nonsense ( about scouts on a Friday) that the kids had been involved in for a year or so before marriage breakdown ( so similar time) and judge soundly put him in his place. I also refused every weekend as I wanted some ‘fun’ time and judge agreed that was important.

You need to keep records of all his nonsense and abuse and take it with you to court. He won’t win

I can't understand why anyone is saying that the lessons interrupt 'his' time. It's not like they are for your benefit. You are still doing all the graft on 'his' time so that your children can benefit. HE should be taking them to their lessons. I will never understand how parents get so selfish they would deny their children something they enjoy.

I really think you should seek legal advice. His threats do sound empty but I also think you need to have it formalised that you get weekend time. Go to court and let him explain to a judge that he can't parent his children midweek because the poor wee lamb works 🤨

Toughen up

Tell him you would be happy to see him in court over this as you have bent over backwards to do things his way but when it comes to the children you won't accept his opinion

And if he's calling horse rising sissy - "unlike you the boys aren't unsure or their masculinity "

Riding is for sissies yet he’s the one afraid of horses? What a cockwomble.
You made a very good decision getting rid of him and now you need to stop pandering to him. Every other weekend and he can choose weekdays if he wants. Let him know the arrangements then grey rock. Don’t let him hurt the children to get to you anymore.

Have you made any inroads in to divorcing him?

Tell him you'll happily go to court as going forward he's only having them EOW and a Wednesday evening. He can sort the pick up and drop off for that. And he'll need to facilitate their hobby on his weekends.

Tell him it's EOW again, and that's fair to you. He can have a weeknight evening if he wants to step up. You have a life, too, and manage to sort the DCs around it; he can do the same. Else he's admitting he's a shit dad, right?

STand firm.

As a side issue - kids miss out when their parents break up. They miss out on seeing their friends, they miss out on activities, they miss out on seeing their parents.

That's quite a generalisation.

@Exactlab

As a side issue - kids miss out when their parents break up. They miss out on seeing their friends, they miss out on activities, they miss out on seeing their parents. They also miss out on weekend horse riding lessons.

Speak for yourself.

Your “aside” has no resemblance to my children’s lives

This is so kind of you! Bloody MN can be such a supportive place. Women helping women.

He wants to force you to give up the lessons, then he can tell your DSs how mean you are and make you look like the bad one. Don't give in to him.

What happens during the school holidays?

Honestly he sounds like a massive dick and I would try and ignore him the best you can.

If he threatens you will court tell him to go ahead and to let you know the date.

I bet he was controlling in the relationship and he can’t cope not being able to control you anymore, so he’s trying to find ways to still have his power fix.

I bet if you stopped the horse riding he would find something else to moan about and get you to do it his way.

It’s not about not having the time with his kids, it’s about him being a bullying control freak.

For those saying to drop the lessons, aren’t children entitled to have their own activities or does divorce mean the children have to sacrifice what they want to do? Horse riding could lead to a wonderful, lifelong interest and open so many doors. Why should they be denied something that may aid their future?

Sorry, the ages were in the opening post! Doh

You have a decade of shared time, this arrangement is not okay for now or for the near future or the long term future, so the sooner you get it changed the better. I appreciate that this is easier said than done though. Again I might have missed this but have you spoken to Relate? They can be really good at identifying abuse (as opposed to mere dickish behaviour) and talking it all through with them might well help clarify all your thoughts and help you be clear about what to do next.

My money would be on there being an abuse dynamic though not absolutely clear from what you have said, and dealing with contact with an abusive ex is a whole different ball game to dealing with a normal ex. Relate may well be able to help get your thoughts clear and also might be able to give good advice about what might work in future.

He won't have them at all during the week because he works. I've offered plenty of times!

tell him from now on its going to be every other weekend and if he doesn't like it, then mediation or he can go for full custody.

He is a bully and he gets his own way as he knows you'll put the boys first.

But when you attack and don't back down a bully will fall

What can he actually do if you do every other weekend? He can go to court and try to get full custody and fall flat on his face as he has no reason, he doesn't want the boys in the week - which sort of negates having full custody somewhat...

If he decides that he doesn't want them at all he can feck off as his bus aren't a game he can play so won't be a loss to their lives

the horse riding you tell him if he doesn't want to put the effort in and if he wants to call you names then carry on

one calm and don't let it be personal - he's just worried about his own short comings

and best of all - you're no longer with him - that parts the best part, you only have to put up with his shit 10% of the time

Do they want to go to their dads? If not ate you prepared to have them full time? If dad's unhappy let him come up with a solution or take it to court - i bet he doesn't. Tbh it doesn't sound like they'd be bothered if they didn't see him. Sounds like he punished you via your children