Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

I agree with above, I'd tell him he gets them after their lesson on a Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening. If he kicks off, maybe say he can have them until he drops them in school on Monday morning.

It's unfair that you get all of the mundane weekday/early night stuff, you need to have some fun down time with them too. They aren't little for long.

I'd stop taking them to his and let him take me to court.

I take it he will refuse mediation, which is a good reason to suggest it. If he won't engage then you should look into getting court mandated access. Your ex sounds like a bully and 'I have been to work' is not a reason not to look after your children. Also he sounds like he wants the boys not to have something they are enjoying, which is just mean.

I think your children would benefit from spending EOW or Saturday (until after their riding lesson) with you. I wouldn't try to argue about what they should be doing on 'his time' ( as he can make a case for this) - but it is only an issue because your contact pattern is so detrimental to you & the children. That is what needs to change (legally if necessary).

Unless you go to court this will never be resolved. You have a choice put up with this or sort it out.

This! The first reply usually nails it but this time it’s the second 😀

when I was a kid I went horse riding every two weeks, because my parents couldn’t afford every week, but it was the highlight of my fortnight. Why the hell should you get all the grunt work and none of the pleasure and why should he get to have all weekends and then dictate what the boys do? And even worse, they sit on their tablets all weekend.

get a proper access arrangement that is fair to all four of you.

Why isn't that utterly selfish prick taking them to riding lessons?

He'd rather stop his children doing something they like/have a routine just to spite you?

He's a piece of shit. Next time he wants to try to gain full custody, call his bluff! Why is he the one with all the power/control?

@OhMoreDrama - he's an abusive bully and he's got you jumping through hoops to accommodate him. His goal is to stress you out and make your life miserable. He could care less about the children.

You, on the other hand, clearly want the best for your boys - it's obvious you're an engaged and committed mum.

But the best thing you can do now is work out a way to deal with this man that means your boys can do the things that the enjoy and love and that they learn their mum can stand up for herself and you show them the best role model!

It must have taken a lot to leave him, but unfortunately you still have more to do. He can't go on abusing you with the name calling and the unfair arrangements and the expectation that you do everything - you need a break and a new way forward.

I think it will be hard to do on your own, so I would suggest speaking to Women's Aid. I know it might sound a bit strange but they will be able to help you negotiate what to do and how to do it with the new contact arrangements and if you have to go to court, they will support you. They have a chat function and if you'd rather use a telephone you can call Refuge on 0808 2000 247 Refuge - they have a section on what to do once you've left your abuser and how they still try to control you.

Please do surround yourself with expert help - they can steer you through this and get you to a better place. You don't deserve to be called names or threatened and you can take control and all of this can improve!

This! Exactly. Fuck the ex. I'd suddenly be making things as difficult as I possibly could.

I read it. It’s irrelevant there are no lessons Mon-Fri. She shouldn’t book anything on his time with them - she absolutely has a choice.

Dad has the right to refuse, just as he has no right to tell Mum what to do on her time Mum has no right to tell Dad what to do on his.

And if she wants different access arrangements then she needs to go to court to sort that.

He's no father to them at all then is he! I would make sure he is gradually erased from their lives. Give them the option of choosing not to go.

@ByPeachSeal

i will take a punt that you don’t have children

I’ve watched so many children at my DD’s activities suffer because their father’s are absolutely horrible parents.

sometimes weekends are required for an extracurricular that a child loves. Sometimes a child reaches a point where the only way to continue to stay involved is to attend consistently, every weekend, despite the custody schedule. When dad refuses to let the child to attend during his time, they can’t take lead roles and they can’t be the player who gets to be the center of a key sports play. At best they get relegated to tertiary roles where being able to
practice with the other children is not as critical.

could their father perhaps do a couple of days during the week instead of weekends? You deserve fun time with your kids too.

This sounds so hard OP. And nothing will change. It is time to fight and take him to court. This setup is so unfair on you :( and your boys.

I hope he's called you abusive things by message so you've got plenty of evidence of how unaccommodating and abusive he is to support you in court.

I'll be sure to tell the mountain regiment corps that they are sissies.

what a wanker. could you go back to court/mediation to improve the situation re wkdays and wkends

If the tables were turned?

This is a terrible arrangement. All around!!

he could have them Thursday ev to Sunday morning? or Friday evening to Sunday morning?

I haven’t RTFT but I’ve read all your posts @OhMoreDrama

He sounds like an absolute shit of a man so kudos to you for leaving. Honestly WTF with the hospital bag!?!?!

I’m not sure what the answer is with him. I get the impression he’ll reject everything you suggest as he feels it gives him control. He probably hates the horse riding because he’s an insecure prick who doesn’t want his sons enjoying something that scares him so he’ll never make the effort to take them.

I honestly think a court approved schedule is the way to go to protect your boys’ interests as taking
away a hobby just so they can hang around the house learning to be lazy is not in their best interest and no judge would agree with him. So call his bluff!

Out of curiosity, is horse riding something you enjoy? I’m just wondering if he’s trying to hurt you by taking something from the children.

It shouldn't be just a verbal agreement between the two of you. You need court ordered custody arrangements that allow you to have the boys every other weekend at least. It's completely unreasonable for you to deal with all the school stuff and get no down time with them. He's treating you like a boarding school; somewhere to park the boys while he's at work.

This is NOTHING to do with your sons. This is him punishing you for daring to leave him. You didnt do as you were told so he is making life as difficult for you as he can.

I strongly suggest getting legal advice, telling him that you are going to court for a fairer contact timetable and for clarification on whether expecting him to facilitate their sport training (use those words, its not a hobby, it is a sport) is reasonable.

Tell him that you no longer entertain direct contact from him if it continues to be abusive and any further messages of that nature will be reported as harrassment. That any further discussion about contact must take place through your solicitor or a mediator and that you will be having the boys every other weekend until it is sorted in court.

There is so much about this that smacks of coercive control and domestic abuse.

You need to insist on court to resolve the dynamics. It will give you control and power. .

Don't stop the lessons. Record what he calls you and get the court or log a complaint on 101 (unlikely you'll get far though)

Laughing at he wants sole custody. Tell him to get fucked.

If he took them to the classes himself you wouldn't have to come and get them and it would all be 'his' time. This isn't you stealing time with them that is due to him, it's you ferrying them about and saving him a job.
He sounds a right prick and I would be looking for another arrangement, but the boys should continue with their lessons if they love them.

Change contact to either after their lesson on Sat until Sun PM or he just has them Sun. He can call you what he likes but you are the resident parent and clearly the only parent with the boys interests at the forefront of all you do. Keep screenshots and make notes of all verbal conversations regarding contact and anything he says that's abusive or negative about you or the DC.
If he cares about his DC more than he cares about being abusive/controlling towards you than he can go to court to set contact arrangements.
I'm in a similar situation and I promise you this will not improve/change it will either stay as it is now or it will deteriorate. How do the boys feel about spending every weekend with him? You are NOT evil/punishing him/in any way in the wrong if you reduce/stop contact so do NOT let him or anyone else tell you otherwise. If he gave a damn about his children he would make time to see them during the week, he would put aside whatever issues he has with horses and take them to the lesson they clearly enjoy. Just because he donated sperm to create them does not mean he is entitled to have contact on his terms only. You as the resident parent are more than entitled to have fun time with them as well, if he won't be reasonable and put the boys first then fuck him, why should he have everyone dance to his tune.
This isn't about contact, this is about him being in control and you have to power to take control back. Please contact womens aid as they have helped me massively in understanding that I shouldn't feel guilt for stopping contact (hes not safe to be around them currently), and i believe that they can help you make decisions regarding contact that will be in yours and the boys best interests.
I've found writing a list of why I left and why I stopped contact really helps when my EXH becomes abusive/lovebombs/emotionally manipulates etc.
Just put they boys needs first and forget about anything else

I would make a record and diary of everything he does and says. He sounds unhinged and dangerous, you don't want your boys around that!