Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

Oh OP this isn't good for anyone. Your kids have shit weekends, you have shit weekends, all to enable an abusive man who mocks them and is vile to their mother.

You don't have to martyr yourself. You don't have to punish yourself for daring to put yourself first by leaving him. You did the right thing. Now you are free of that man, you get to actually enjoy your life. And that includes enjoying time with your children, at the weekend, like you deserve to. Don't you see how now he's gone you don't have to make yourself miserable bending to all his whims? Now it's your time to take charge, it reads almost like you've been held back for so long you can't even imagine what it's like to do what YOU want. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They want to be with you and doing their hobbies, at least half of the weekend. It's so unfair that they never see their mum for a full day of fun, always off to school or their dad.

Go to court. Or threaten to, if he's tight that might be enough. Get every other weekend in place, or split weekends, and go and enjoy your life with your wonderful children.

It's been said before and I think the only way forward is for you to go to court. I suspect he is all mouth and no action though so I would TELL him that he can have the boys 1 night every weekend or alternative weekends as they want time with you at the weekend too. In the meantime just stop bringing them on a Friday and turn your phone off until after their lesson on Saturday, you can drop them off then. He will be vile but do not rise to it. Keep matter of fact. Keep the messages and bring him to court-with copies of his messages. Tell him you are saving his messages as harassment and will take him to court for that too.

My ex refused point blank for months to set a schedule with me. Would turn up when he felt like it or take them when he felt like it. I couldn't make weekend plans with or without my children as I never knew what he would expect or give off about. Eventually I said we either set a plan we agree on or we go to court, and I would be withholding all contact until court. (I wouldn't have actually done this as it's not fair on the children) But it worked on the whole. He has them 1 night a week. He said any more was too much for him. As with your ex, he plonks them in front of a screen the whole time and does nothing with them. At least I am able to use my 1 day to take them out.

So in the nicest way possible, pull your big girl knickers on and do what's right for your children. Stand up to this asshole.

(I'd been in hospital for an emergency op which was the catalyst for us to split - he refused to help me in any way like bringing me some clothes and toiletries when I literally couldn't get out of bed and when he finally did, he'd brought me stuff from the dirty laundry hamper which was wet!)

Jesus. He’s a cunt.

He's been really abusive towards you and you have backed down and given in to placate him. Your current arrangement is ridiculous, you never get a weekend with them? And he doesn't do any of the grunt work of being a parent 🙄 he's taking the piss! I'd be getting legal advice and going to court for a more equitable time split and if he continues to be abusive, I'd be speaking to the police about an injunction? Really, the riding lessons are the least of your worries.

'He won't' 'He refuses'
He calls them sissy's and doesn't do anything with them. Are you hearing your own words here??

Why is he getting to decide, are you really happy to not spend any weekends with your children ever again?

You need to stand up for your children and yourself. If he refuses to spend time with them in the week then that's his problem, you will be spending every other weekend with them. No negotiations, let him take you to court if he wants!

And it's not his way or the highway, let him take the bloody highway for once!!!!

I'd be speaking to the police about an injunction

Police do not issue these sorts of injunctions, the courts do.

Police only get involved if there is a criminal offence.

He’s clearly an arsehole and this needs to be made official in court. But you need to tread carefully.

You agreed to every weekend, (the rights and wrongs of that are a separate discussion), but you then booked activities on his time meaning you were taking some of that time back, and the courts could well view that as being obstructive of his time with them.

Stopping contact, demanding to collect them on what you’ve agreed to be his time, are all potentially going to be seen in a bad light by the courts, so you need to play the long game at this point.

You do have some power atm in terms of that you don’t have anything official in place, and to that end I would tell him that from now on his contact will be every other weekend, and that you will be upholding that until you can make it official in court. And yes, I would mention court, because if he seeks legal advice then a solicitor will advise him that he’s likely to only get every other weekend and maybe a couple of nights during the week,and if he refuses those that will be his prerogative. So there isn’t any issue with telling him you’re going to make this official. And it also takes away a lot of his power.

If he’s flatly refusing to take the kids to riding lessons then you have two choices. You either take them every other week, or you cancel them for now, and then re-visit once the official court order is in place.

IME the courts won’t order him to take them to an activity, they don’t even require them to be taken to birthday parties etc so unfortunately you’ve likely lost that part of the battle.

But you can still take them every other week, and getting a court order is crucial at this point. Where there is no amicability it is always crucial. Because without a court order you will be powerless if he e.g. refuses to bring them back or collects them from school without your knowledge.

Please let's not start piling on the OP saying she's let it happen, or she needs to stand up to him.
Clearly there is a long history of abusive behaviour.
It's not going to help her if she then feels she's "allowed" it to happen, she needs support to change things for the future.

This ^^ absolutely. It is just this.

You could send a message or an email along the lines of the below. Remember that, if you did ever end up in court, what you say to him is part of the conversation. So you want it to be clear in what you say that you are prioritising the boys and (in a healthy and reasonable way) yourself, not being obstructive/denying him contact/being vindictive/being selfish/being crazy etc etc. This also happens to be the truth, so it won’t be hard to demonstrate!

“Having facilitated your preferences regarding contact time with the boys for the past XX months, it has become clear that the current arrangement is not viable in the long term. I am not prepared to give up valuable weekend time with our boys on a permanent basis, and they want to access weeekend activities which you don’t wish to support.

I believe we are fortunate that X and Y are flourishing in the friendships and skills they are developing at riding school and that they are able to access this healthy, purposeful and fun outdoor activity, which provides a much needed change from their usual weekday routine. They love riding, and the classes have already provided significant benefit to their well-being and self confidence. This will stand them in good stead as they prepare to enter the teenage years and secondary transfer.

I am therefore going to change the contact arrangement from the weekend after half term (x date) to take both my own needs into account and to better support the boys. Going forward they will be with me on a Friday night and Saturday. I will drop them off to you after their lesson on a Saturday afternoon which will usually be X time.

If you wish to implement a different arrangement please feel free to make that request via the court system, so we can agree on a fair schedule and jointly support our children to thrive.”

I also think you’d get a LOT out of reading the book “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. It’s incredibly insightful and compassionate and helps frame this type of behaviour (his) in a way that makes it possible to actually see it for what it is and feel stronger, rather than being in a state of constant emotional fight/flight and mental befuddlement. I found reading it to be hands down the best investment I made in my own well-being.

Do not let this man grind you down and give your kids some time away from him so they can form a different perspective of his behaviour too and see other dads/families and how they behave in comparison to theirs. EOW works for some people but it is not the only way to do it - especially if it means your sons missing out on something that’s valuable to them. You’ve got this far!! 👏🏻👏🏻 keep going 💪🏼

IME the courts won’t order him to take them to an activity

We had a CAO stating ex had to take DS2 to Cubs.
Sure, you can then argue it's worth nothing because if they break the CAO it's a civil matter that you have to take back to court.

From what I understand most non resident parents do every other weekend.
So I would change the contact to take this into account, and change the riding to just the OP weekend.
@NosyJosie
"On the weekends he has them he picks them up after school Wednesday and they come back Sunday. That way he has them the same amount of time and it is more fair on both of you and he is more part of their weekday life. "
Sounds better!

Get a child arrangement order and adress the visitation rights . This way they are officially residing at your only with strict visitation rights

The main issue is that you need a court order which sorts all this out, instead of trying to reason with a nasty narcissistic bully.

I feel for you, OP. Shit situation to be in and he sounds utterly vile. You can't reason with people like him. I know it'll feel like kicking the hornets' nest but I do think you need to do this through the courts or (try to get) mediation at the very least. You being the boring parent with all the legwork while he gets to be fun weekend dad is ridiculously unfair for starters.

Is he paying his way fairly with the boys or are you paying for everything too?

Stop being so wet and stand up to this idiot. It is not fair on your children to spend every weekend stuck on their tablets with a parent who is investing no emotional energy in them and is mocking their beloved hobby. Tell him he can have the kids every other weekend and is welcome to whatever you want to offer in the week. If he doesn't like it he can take you to court. Show your boys you're prepared to fight their corner.

Your exh sounds so awful. I'm sorry that you have to put up with his vile abuse even though you are no longer with him. As others have said you should have them every other weekend otherwise you'll never get to do fun stuff with them.

He's a bully and you are allowing him to treat you this way. You can't go on like this, sort it out either amicably or via the courts .

Who cares what he wants. Go to court to get a proper contact arrangement in place.

I hope you are getting child maintenance?

Have you ever been the victim of emotional abuse?
If so, did other people call you wet?

How great that your boys get to do a hobby they absolutely love. You are a fantastic mum. Like others have said it seems you have become accustomed to abusive behaviour from your ex (who seems bloody furious you actually l left him - well done!) and that’s the issue here. Decide what YOU want, seek legal advice, and keep it quiet from him at the moment. He’ll just refuse everything you suggest as he loves the control so you must take matters into your own hands.

this is so baffling

why OP? Arrangements between yourselves works when amicable

rather than mumsnetting, your priority needs to be progressing with solicitor . Absolute no brainer and yet…. here we are.

does he pay maintenance?

He won't have them at all during the week because he works. I've offered plenty of times!

So how come he won't have them as he works but also is threatening to take you to court to get sole custody?

I'd tell him he can have them every other weekend and if he doesn't like it then he can take you to court. He won't, it just sounds like he is using it as an excuse so you will toe the line. Much, I suspect, as you have done all the time you were together.

I am glad you left him. What person who supposedly loves someone does that to them when they are vulnerable after an operation and in hospital?

OP you absolutely need to take this back to the courts, for you and your boys. I’m still not clear why this didn’t happen in the first place but what’s done is don’t and you need to proactively start to figure out this mess with professionals. Nobody but your ex-H is benefitting from this.

This.

Time to call his bluff. It will be stressful but it cannot be worse than things are now.