Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

Isn't this the answer. Keep them at the weekend. Make him fight for contact, get it awarded fairer to you and the boys.

I base this on working years in family law and seeing broken families around me.

Children from broken families do miss out. They may not all miss out on horse riding lessons but there are very real impacts on children when their parents break up.

You disagree because your children aren’t missing out on anything?

They are missing out on things though. But please tell yourself whatever you need to make yourself feel better.

This.

Same ex here. It is so hard but know that the court will see straight through his bs.

This is narcissistic abuse and when you take the control away from him he will find another source of supply so expect some shitty comments to your kids and they need calm and reassurance when they come home.

As part of this court process you need to fill out a special form and you need guidance for this.

You need to act soon. I wouldn’t start withholding the kids etc like suggested. Stop communicating with him and start the process.

Well done OP!

Stay strong... I'm sure you know this arsehole will try to punish you somehow but his threats seem pretty hollow.

I don't understand men (well, any parent) like this ... treating kids as possessions or pawns, thinking only about their 'rights' but not their responsibilities.

Good news

but not clear whether you actually did or said anything or whether he’s just changed his mind

Please please please do something about this. Your children are only young once and you won't get this time back. Please don't let him bully you into not spending precious time with your children. You need to go to court and you need to resolve this in a way which is beneficial for all of you and not just agreeing to something which suits just your ex. He sounds like he's still being vile to you even though he's getting his own way so just stand your ground and seek some legal support. Your children will be so much happier if they can spend more time with you and continue their riding lessons. Do this for them! I love weekends with my children and planning nice days out when we're not all tired from work/school. Please don't deprive them and you of this!

How’s he going to manage sole custody if he’s at work and won’t have them a couple of nights a week due to his work commitments??

dont stoop to his level, next time he threatens you with sole custody just reply “see u in court”

How is that unreasonable? They are doing a an activity that they thoroughly enjoy that is only affordable at the weekend. The only unreasonable thing is that their dad won’t take them to it.

If the riding lessons are likely to continue in this time slot for a long time (i.e they don't switch to another time as they progress) a split weekend is better.

I'd be seeking to avoid any options that rely on him to do things (or allow you to do things on his time).

He clearly enjoys having a hold over you so you having them first seems sensible.

The every other weekend continues this problem but is still better than what you have now.

I think that if you take everything else out of the equation, he should be free to determine his time with them.

So allow this but with a new timetable fairer to you and the boys.

Put everything in writing so you have a paper trail. While a solicitor's letter isn't binding, it gives a good record and shows him you've had legal advice. It will cost him money take it to court so may be enough to put him off.

He won’t have them in the week; not one single night, yet threatens to go for sole custody! What an empty threat! Going to court would be a good idea for you, OP.

But if parents put the child first the things the child misses out on should all be reduced. You're probably seeing a subset of people in family law. And it's important to balance it with a relationship breakdown stopping the children being exposed to harmful things whether that be a lack of parental love and respect, arguments, violence, abuse etc.

But it must be incredibly frustrating in your job to see children needs and wants being put last.

@Toenailz limiting contact is not blocking. If they have a contact book like I suggested and use that for updates ONLY about the kids back and forth and they have established any other contact is only in emergencies then his method of abuse is immediately cut.

And if he can’t behave himself with his persistent verbal abuse then it’s harassment and then he can discuss that with the police.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#alternatives

I don't know if anyone has linked to this or similar but I went grey rock with my EXH and it sounds like it might help if you do the same. I've seen from your updates that you've changed contact arrangements, congratulations on finding the strength to do this I know it's not easy. You'll likely find that he will now escalate his abuse as he finds his control slipping so have a read of this and please please get some support in place as you navigate taking back control as it's bloody hard and easy to be guilted into backing down. You've got this @OhMoreDrama and you and your boys deserve a life free from his abuse x

@Exactlab

if you’re honest, what’s your marriage like? we were on the same recent thread where you say you and your husband have separate bedrooms, which i know in itself doesn’t indicate an unhappy marriage but given you are not long married…. that possibly indicates it’s less than a happy one, which drives your view on divorce

however i doubt we will get the truth

That's the problem with relationship breakdown, parents nearly always lose sight of the children. The point is you should always keep your child in mind. It's not about "parents time" it's about promoting your child's wellbeing.

Time to start fighting back with this loser-dad.

Go to court.

Yes, its a massive hassle, but it'll work out better for you in the long-term.

@OhMoreDrama I’m assuming that there are no new partners for either of you?

Get this sorted out sooner rather than later.

Exactly this. With rights come responsibilities. Children should always come first. Good luck op

everyone saying “well done”

what actually did the Op do? she never actually clarifies!

It's clear if you read her posts.
Normally the Dad collects them on Friday and there is all the hoo haa with riding lessons. OP has had the children with her since yesterday and will take them to their Dad after the riding lesson.

She is keeping things smoother for the children, while avoiding the arsehole.
A big step in the right direction.

Tell him to go for sole custody. That should shut him up.

yes @CharlotteBog

gut what did the OP do?

for all we know he just changed his mind

Oh I see. Yes, we don't know how the boys ended up with OP on Friday night. Did he just not collect them, did she refuse to let them go, did they have a conversation?

exactly

which was my point re all the “well done”