Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

Take him to court and get a proper settlement in place. Don't let him rule you and ruin your time with your boys.

To add (not sure if this has been said already) that your children need some 'rest and relaxation' time with you and in their own home. It's not fair on them that they have to spend the whole of their time off with their feckless, selfish bastard of a father. You sound like a lovely mummy - if you can't stand up for yourself, at least stand up for them.

I really can't understand the people saying you are BU about the riding lessons?? These are the kids lessons and father should be supporting this! If he is so precious about his 3 hours he should take them then. Time to seek legal advice. I imagine the Courts would suggest mediation first.

You need o get a court order schedule in place. If your ex has them every other weekend and one night a week for tea then you get a weekend to take them out and to their hobby. He has to take them to the lessons the weekend he has them.

yes tell him every other weekend, a court order might be the best in the long run if he tends to be unreasonable.

Please tell me his is paying maintenance and you have checked though the CMS that it is an accurate amount too... I'd assume he can't do that properly either as it would be another point of control.

Have a great evening with your boys!

I can give you a solicitor recommendation if you need/want one - I'm North East based too & your ex sounds like a carbon copy of my ex.

So sorry you're going through this - it's so hard 💐

Sounds like you need to take him to court so you can get every other weekend with the kids- do it for your kids- they will benefit immensely from it, you need to be brave and stand up for them

I second what @CharlotteBog says and would like to add that OP doesnt need to confront him or go head to head with him in order to take control of things. There are often ways to quietly disempower & bypass him. Be very businesslike & deadpan, dont show any emotion to him, dont give any information away, etc

Great OP. Let him threaten to take you to court. Probably he won't, because he is a dick who doesn't actually want to spend any more time with his children. Or he does and you get a much fairer distribution of contact time. Either way you, and your sons, win.

As others have said, you getting no weekend time is really unfair! My DH and his exW have a schedule where they do 7 days in the fortnight each and my DSD gets routine stuff and weekend fun time with both parents. He’s opting out of the challenging aspects then expecting you to do it all his way. Call his bluff - shit excuses for parents like him won’t pay the court fees anyway!

He’s a waste of space.

Hes never going to take you to court for full custody if he refuses to have them in the week because he’s been at work. It’s just a threat.

You need to go for every other weekend. You need to spend free time with them and it’s not fair for them to spend their weekends with their dad bored. Get a court order if you have to.

As for the riding unfortunately you can’t control what he does in his time but if you have them EOW you can take them when they are with you.

Hes a shit dad- not letting them do something they love when he has nothing else planned for them, making a big deal about a kids party/ birthday present etc. I’m sure there are many more reasons.

He sounds awful and unhinged!

Ffs... Get to court...!!

He's grim... Why should he have it all his way?!

Eow and he can do some of the school days... You work too...!!

These men will rarely agree to anything that is slightly inconvenience to them unless a court order is in place...

EOW

I'd tell him the new arrangements are he has them Saturday night - school drop off on Tuesday and you will collect from school on Tuesday and have them til Saturday.

This is so that the boys can do hobbies and parties, and both parents can do some school drops off and pick ups.

If he doesn't like the new arrangement he can organise mediation and court.

It's not all what he wants, it's what is needed he needs to do.

So yes I would literally ask him to take you to court so and order can be put in place with a fairer divide. Why should you always do all the parenting and none of the 'fun' ? He needs to learn a lesson and so be it the hard way.toughen up OP and call his bluff.

The point is that neither parent should dictate what happens on the other parents time. It is not their choice.

If there is an issue with contact, as there clearly is here, that needs to be sorted, but it is seperate to the fact that dad does not get to tell mum what to do and where to take the kids when she has them, just like mum doesn’t get to do the same with dad.

Please don't give up their lessons. They clearly absolutely love it.

Riding lessons were one of the few things my parents were able to give me as child - and it has stuck with me for life.

I had a 10 year break as an adult, and was able to get straight back into it as if I'd never been gone, as a result of learning to ride as child. Bit ashamed to admit it but the first time back on that horse after that decade break, I cried as I was cantering about. I was so happy/was overwhelmed how much I had missed it - it'd been such a massive part of my life.

When you adore a hobby such as this, it gives you peace and focus like nothing else. It sounds like this is exactly what it gives your boys.

I'm so sorry about their dad - what an awful man. I don't understand not supporting their hobbies - much less, giving you such an evil nasty time of it because you are supporting them.

I am usually totally against blocking contact (except in extremes). But honestly, from your posts, I'd be considering it. His outlook on his children, and your role as their mother, is totally wrong. Added onto this, the fact they aren't even happy going to stay with him.

Bang on the money

Given its not court ordered I would be tempted to say he can have either every other weekend or he can just have Sundays. This would not impact your taking them Saturday and not take away from his time.i would offer a couple days after school as an alternative and when he refuses that a court will be in you favour. You offered an alternative so you both get quality time and some of the responsibility of maintaining routine if he refuses to have them in the week it's on him. How does he think a court will give him sole custody if he refuses to see his kids in the week because he works? Does he expect to be a stay at home single non working father? Only I he plans to keep his job sole custody would mean having kids after work.

That’s not quite true, is it? Good parents care for their kids, and support their lives, including the hobbies they love if they don’t have very good reasons not to, they don’t tell them what a pathetic activity it is. They take them to birthday parties without snarling at their ex for not having bought them a present to take. And if they don’t, when the kids are old enough they vote with their feet and stay away from their lazy parent who doesn’t actually love them. Love is an action.

this question is about the kids. The way you phrase it is like mum says why don’t you take them to brunch at my favorite cafe on the weekends, I would. the op needs to just stop letting them go every other weekend. If she drops them don’t take them, if he collects don’t be there. So she can support her kids to do the things they love.

This is the type of help you need. I wish I knew of a public body or charity that could advise you, he sounds a horrible person to have to deal with.
Very best of luck.

This.

Yes please!