Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

Offer him a week on and a week off 50/50. You should not to all of the grunt and no weekends.

Your ex is obviously an arse.

Time for you to stand up for your kids.

You need a court order, every other weekend and ask for it to be included that he takes them to their riding lessons, because the kids enjoy it. This should all be for their benefit, not his. You might end up paying for every lesson, but hey ho.

And child maintenance while you're at it. Claim it.

And don't let him bully you. You are a mother, be a good one and set an example to your boys.

She doesn't need to do fuck all, the contact arrangements are not set by court at the moment, they are what he has requested but she doesn't have to go along with it at all.
She is the main resident parent, she can decide to drop them off after Horse riding lessons on Saturday and if he isn't happy then HE needs to take her to court.

Op - in the nicest possible way Op. It’s time for you to stand your ground and do what’s best for you and the kids for a change.

You’ve given too much and now it’s time for “ no more mr nice guy”

if it doesn’t work for you and the kids then stop.

Come on - be a grown up.

stop all contact and go through the courts.

Op you need to take advice here as suggested - tell the fucker to take you to court as he should not have every weekend - see a solicitor - your children probably dislike going as he’s no fun or get up and go -= stop sending them to him - as others have said let him take you to court - he’s abusive to you - contact womens aid for advice also - do you have any family support to be around if he comes charging over - call the police if he’s threatening you in the slightest - does he pay maintenance - bullying bastard 🌺

It's time to get them involved

What a complete waste of space OP! Like pp’s have said, tell him it is every other weekend. If he is too lazy to bring you things when you’re ill (not surprised you left him) can’t be bothered to take the kids during the week due to work, take them to their lessons or do anything fun with them, then there’s no way he will go for or get full custody. He is just saying it to be a dick and to control you. He’s already an abusive twat when he doesn’t get his own way so just go for every other weekend.

Going forward I wouldn’t physically speak to him and start communicating via text or email only so if he is abusive it is written down. If it comes to it and he takes you to court then you have some evidence of his shit behaviour.

I wonder if the riding teacher might allow lessons every other weekend so they don’t completely miss out? They might be supportive if you explain?

Look into legal aid.
You need a good solicitor in your side.

Unless you stop this emotional abuse from him by going to court, this will go on for another 10 years, and your boys will suffer from the effects of 2nd hand abuse all through their lives.

Time to get real @OhMoreDrama . The ball is in your court, though you may not feel that way.

This has gone on long enough - now it is time for solicitors and to do things legally.

I have two children.

She won’t do that though. He hasn’t done anything wrong in terms of contact arrangements - she agreed to them, and she doesn’t get to dictate what happens on his contact time with them.

Obviously the abuse is a separate matter, but that doesn’t mean she gets to decide what happens when he has them.

Another vote for stop letting him bully you and go to court. The riding lessons can be included in the court order if it’s deemed it’s in the children’s best interests, then he will have to comply. It should also be every other weekend so that you get more non-school time with them.

I have no experience in this, but please don't give up the lessons if the kids love it. It's so good for them. I would say you have them Saturdays, he has them Sundays. Go to court if you need to.

Why are you letting him call the shots? Fuck him. Block all contact and go through the courts. He clearly isn’t interested in his kids, he just has them to try and hurt you.

There needs to be a change to the schedule as it’s totally unfair.

You need every other weekend with your boys. Even if you need to pay for the riding every week, and miss half, then never mind.

He should be taking a night in the week. You can’t force that but he might take it when he knows he doesn’t get every weekend. Awful that he gets all the quality time.

Kids are home with me! They're staying home until after their riding lesson tomorrow then I'll drop them off at their dad's.

Still reading through - I do appreciate all your messages and help - it has given me the kick in the bum I've needed.

Remember even when this seems really hard, you've done the hardest part already which was leaving him.

Yes every other weekend

I didn't mean to quote you specifically, sorry.

In general telling someone who is being abused that they need to stand up to their abuser just makes them feel that they are not only being abused, but are weak and that somehow they 'deserve it' because they're not doing anything to change it.

And there are so many reasons why OP hasn't taken action before now. Fear, money, emotional exhaustion, because acknowledging the problem may then dig up years and years of other stuff and she fears falling apart, because 'just getting on with it' is easier than poking the hornet's nest.

Well done @OhMoreDrama Going forward my view is that you should have them Friday night and all day Saturday -and he can have them Saturday night and all day Sunday? Given the Riding lessons, probably a better way forward than EOW? Unless it goes to court!!

Keep screenshots of any abuse he’s text, emailed or otherwise communicated with you. He’s attempting to continue his abuse of you through your children, call his bluff and let him take you to court. You’ll get a lot fairer schedule of contact in the very least, every weekend without your boys must be tough

Let him take you to Court, who will allocate EOW. Until you have a court order, no police man or woman in the U.K. will take them from you on a Saturday.

Be brave for your brilliant, horse loving kids

but get him to have 50% of all school holidays, so you get a break and he has to actually parent. ;)

It's not fair on you or your DC that you don't get any weekend time with them, and it's not fair on them that they're getting ignored and sitting on tablets every weekend.

For their benefit and yours, you need to even it up so you share the weekend time with your ex. If he doesn't want them in the week that's his problem, you work too, he can't just demand every weekend it isn't fair on the DC or you.

Well done, I bet your boys will be chuffed with the change of schedule.

Keep in mind@OhMoreDrama you have far more power and control over the children's schedule including visiting dad than he does even though he has tried to bully you, he doesn't get exactly what he wants, the boys are the focus not him.

I understand. I am just really sad for the OP and her children. It's great to hear there is a change in contact this weekend, sometimes you need an army cheering you on!