AIBU to leave the dog?

[Fairweatherrunner2]

I am planning to leave my partner, it has taken nearly 2 years to finally get to a place where I realise I deserve better and feeling strong that there is no future here.

He's been emotionally abusive, controlling (including financial), doesn't pull his weight, doesn't look after himself. I could go on but I have finally accepted that there is nothing left to salvage and I have no more strength to keep trying. I'm finding it hard to pull the trigger and actually go but the main thing holding me back is our dog. He has outright told me he would keep the dog if we ever split. I do majority of her day to day care and she follows me around like my shadow. I cannot bear to leave her. For my own selfish reasons but also because she will be left with a controlling asshole and im not sure he would put in the effort for her exercise needs, grooming etc. I'm not sure where I'm even going to live and no family or friends I could take the dog to so I think I am going to have to leave her. He is named on all the vets, microchip, insurance etc so I have nothing on that side.

I need some reassurance I am doing the right thing? I'm worried I'll stay here for another 10 years because of the dog. I love her so much but as everyone in my life is telling me I can't ruin my own life for her.

Did he already have the dog when the relationship started?

No we got the dog together

You need to establish where you’re living before you leave surely?

He is named on all the vets, microchip, insurance etc so I have nothing on that side.

So sounds like his dog more than yours op

He is named on all the vets, microchip, insurance etc so I have nothing on that side.

Just him, or are you both named? Appreciate it's a difficult situation, but personally I couldn't leave my dog behind, so would try and find any way possible to take her. If you bought her together he has no more right to keep her than you do.

Is there not a friend or family member who could look after the dog until you're settled somewhere? Anyway you could change the chip to your name before you go and intercept the letter confirming it?

Don't let a dog stop you leaving.

@chargrilledchickenyum I can stay with a family member but not with the dog due to allergies, sorry I meant I don't know where I'd live if I took her. Definitely not more his dog, he is just controlling and made sure he sorted all of that probably for this exact reason

I feel for you OP. I couldn't leave mine 😪

No have no one on my side that could look after her or accommodate her unfortunately

I'm tempted to end things and stay in spare room until house is sold so I can find a place to move straight into and take her without asking but not sure if I'd be allowed to do that legally

I don't have a dog so maybe it's hard to see your perspective but you and your wellbeing are more important than the dog. Sort yourself out first (the oxygen mask analogy) then think about the dog. Your OH may well realise it's too much responsibility and let you have the dog anyway in time. Good luck.

Once you find a home perhaps you could see the dog occasionally?
Your dog's important to you and part of your family of coursenyou are torn.
Don't stay in that misery.
Will he stay and you could visit the dog?

you wouldn’t
the dog is to all intents and purposes… his

I think that one of the animal charities has a scheme to foster pets short term for people in difficult situations. Maybe Dogs Trust.

his property or you joint owner?

I bet if you leave he will soon work out a dig us hard work and be willing for you to take it once you have got a place sorted.

Huh? the dog has a home and an owner
the STBX

You have made the decision to leave and it’s a brave one. There really isn’t any turning back with you feeling the way that you do, you have been turning it over in your mind and you know it’s the right thing. So that’s a done deal really.

So he is blackmailing you to stay by using the dog as leverage, which is fairly disgraceful. If you haven’t worked out where you are going to live yet, you don’t know whether you will or will not be able to take the dog with you, but your concern over her wellbeing if she stayed with him is valid.

You can take this issue to the courts and even if he is the legal owner (and registered to him at the vet, insurance and on the the microchip database) they will also take other issues into account:
– Who paid for/ formally adopted the dog
– Who usually walks and takes care of the dog
– Who pays for dog’s expenses

If you can prove that getting the dog was a joint decision that you made together then this again can provide some mitigation against the fact that you’re not listed on some key documents.

Good luck, separation is stressful enough but more so when children and pets are involved.

@chargrilledchickenyum joint property

@TheFlis that's my hope but also need to accept that might not happen which is what I'm trying to come to terms with 😟

If you need to leave an abusive relationship, you need to leave. Accommodation could be difficult, unless you can organise that first.

Also it would be harder to make a clean break if he came after you wanting to get the dog back, not least with the admin involved in changing insurance etc.

Leaving a pet feels crap - I've done it - but sometimes you need to prioritise your safety over a pet.

Who owns the house?

so you got on to owning the property
but nothing in relation to the dog?

Exactly all my thoughts. I feel I risk going back if I left her though. Wondering if I offered him some money for her he would let me take her but as you say I haven't worked out living situation yet

Yes as it needed both our incomes for the mortgage but he's also said I won't get half the equity for that so still trying to be controlling there