AIBU to leave the dog?

[Fairweatherrunner2]

I am planning to leave my partner, it has taken nearly 2 years to finally get to a place where I realise I deserve better and feeling strong that there is no future here.

He's been emotionally abusive, controlling (including financial), doesn't pull his weight, doesn't look after himself. I could go on but I have finally accepted that there is nothing left to salvage and I have no more strength to keep trying. I'm finding it hard to pull the trigger and actually go but the main thing holding me back is our dog. He has outright told me he would keep the dog if we ever split. I do majority of her day to day care and she follows me around like my shadow. I cannot bear to leave her. For my own selfish reasons but also because she will be left with a controlling asshole and im not sure he would put in the effort for her exercise needs, grooming etc. I'm not sure where I'm even going to live and no family or friends I could take the dog to so I think I am going to have to leave her. He is named on all the vets, microchip, insurance etc so I have nothing on that side.

I need some reassurance I am doing the right thing? I'm worried I'll stay here for another 10 years because of the dog. I love her so much but as everyone in my life is telling me I can't ruin my own life for her.

I really feel for you OP because I would say that you are better off being out of that house when you tell him its over for your own safety but to not be able to take your dog with you must feel so heartbreaking and I wouldnt be trusting him to look after her either. It sounds like she really loves you. Can you hold out a little longer and find out what your rights are i.e the house you jointly own if you left would you still be entitled to half the equity despite not physically living there anymore? Im just thinking can you stay there and be with the dog and protect your right to your cut of the house sale when you do put it on the market or do you strongly feel its best if you leave that house right away? You know him better than anyone else and if hes abusive how do you think he would react to you breaking up with him? Maybe also check out the option of seeing if any dog charity will temporarily foster your dpg until you get the house sorted. Surely you can say she will otherwise be left in an abusive situation.

Well I mentioned that point in my very first post to be fair, in case you didn’t see it: If you haven’t worked out where you are going to live yet, you don’t know whether you will or will not be able to take the dog with you, but your concern over her wellbeing if she stayed with him is valid.

I didn’t stay to start the ball rolling now, just giving her some information based on a friend’s experience, but I agree the accommodation is a crucial point, as I mentioned from the start.

Thanks both. I think the accomodation situation could be workable with a bit of financial help after discussing with family but my main issue is how to take her when he doesn't want me to. And also not aware of any channels to report his behaviour towards the dog without getting the dog taken off of me too.

Some rescue places might help you find fosterer for her temporarily.

OP the scheme operated by Dogs Trust a pp has linked to might be of help to you.

I would also have a look at Trevor Coopers Doglaw website, you could book a telephone consultation with him and he is highly experienced in ownership disputes.
https://doglaw.co.uk/civil/ownership-custody-disputes/

As well as whose name the dog is registered in in terms of vet, microchip and insurance etc, who provides day to day care of the dog is taken into consideration- the link I have included above covers this. Do you have a ring door bell? If so I would be saving any footage of you doing the everyday walks, as well as recording details of grooming appointments, who took the dog and who paid, same for training classes etc.

I did miss that, sorry!

I just think OP is focusing on the wrong issue - perhaps because it's easier to worry about the dog than it is about ending an abusive relationship.

I do appreciate your point but I have considered ending this for 2 years but the difficulty is not knowing what's going to happen until I actually end things. Have worried about the practicalities of where I'll live etc for so long that it's been stopping me take action so I've had to just accept that I can't really control it until I take that step. The dog is just the part I'm finding so hard as I am very emotionally attached to her. But I do see that I need to worry about everything else, I have a place to stay if I go alone but just not for the dog for various reasons hence this post.

I wouldn't leave my dog, especially with someone abusive. Contact Dogs Trust or some other support agencies that might be able to help. Then you can leave without the guilt and worry hanging over you, and you know she'll be safe and waiting for you when you're back on your feet.

I think your priorities are

1. your safety and well being
2. A place to live
3. your finances, get a lawyer if you can.
4. Get established and feel secure whilst the fight goes on. He will make you fight for your rightful share of the house.

Be aware that he might switch from keeping the dog himself to insisting that you have it and making life difficult for you.

I had to give up our 3 dogs when we separated, it was so painful, but I couldn't take them with me into a womens refuge. You have to do what is right for you. If he doesn't want thr dog , try a rescue home / Foster family

Does he work out of the house during the day? ie not there to toilet dog?

If so I'd be telling him that "I'm leaving the dog and you can pay the £15 a day dog walker to take dd out, that's over £300 a month, as I won't be there to do it. And if you won't there will be pew and pop everywhere that you'll have to clean up".

And I'd do whatever I could to take her, having planted that seed.

At that point I think he'll want you to take the dog.

Can you not look for a rental flat or flat share that will be willing to allow a dog? Why do you have to stay with a relative? Am I missing something?

Lots of dog charities offer temporary foster options for situations like this. I'd explore that option rather than leave the dog behind.

I'd get my name on that identchip and get gone with the dog.

@Elieza good idea I do suspect the dog thing is to control me and make me not want to leave so there is a chance he will want me to take her when he realises what is involved but can't count on it

@kitteninabasket we have a mortgage so I can't just stop paying until my name is off and can't afford to pay for 2 places at the same time

Take the dog to a vets and explain, ask them if they will remove the old chip and put in a new one.

Some dog groomers can put chips in but I doubt they'd remove one.

It's the Cinnamon Trust, iirc, that help with fostering.

You can't just remove a chip from a dog - it would require surgery for starters, but even if you could, you definitely couldn't do it without permission from the current legal owner.

Tell him you want to separate. Move into the spare room. Tell him he can keep the dog. Get the house on the market or agree a fee for him to buy you out. Get your money from the house sale then leave with the dog.

This

Although I'd say if he thinks ypu aren't interested in keeping the dog he's likely to decide you should have it, I'd be putting it out there that it would be too much hassle for you to take the dog

I really wouldn't try to bluff and say you don't want the dog as he could get rid of her.

I'd change the details on the chip as you have the login.

To be honest, he's going to use the dog to control you if you leave her. It also sounds like she's being abused by him too.

Make a plan which includes the dog.

You can do this op. You just need to plan it properly.

The names on the paperwork are only a part of the potential evidence for the dog being his dog - and you can refute that if your position is that he is controlling and manipulative and financially abusive.

If the money for the dogs needs have come out of a joint account, then his claim is no greater than yours.

Would he really go to court over the dog?

Take the dog - if you don't he is going to use that as leverage to get you to come back, or to hurt you, or both.

Take the dog, I did. I knew that if I left the dog behind, exH would not look after him.

My dog was a huge source of comfort to me during the time when my abusive exH was trying everything to bring me down during the divorce. I spent many hours trekking through the countryside with dog and it kept me sane.

Hi OP. Call Womens Aid, Dogs Trust or Cinnamon Trust and ask what they suggest. Using pets to keep someone in a relationship is a common tactic in abuse, and pets are at risk of mistreatment in these situations too. Your best bet is a temporary foster while you get situated safely. Otherwise, I would be tempted to rehome her permanently without telling your partner. Heartbreaking, but at least you would know she would be going into a motivated and checked home. I have a dog who was rehomed in those circumstances, currently she is snoring next to me on the sofa. I hope whoever had to give her up is safe now.