AIBU to leave the dog?

[Fairweatherrunner2]

I am planning to leave my partner, it has taken nearly 2 years to finally get to a place where I realise I deserve better and feeling strong that there is no future here.

He's been emotionally abusive, controlling (including financial), doesn't pull his weight, doesn't look after himself. I could go on but I have finally accepted that there is nothing left to salvage and I have no more strength to keep trying. I'm finding it hard to pull the trigger and actually go but the main thing holding me back is our dog. He has outright told me he would keep the dog if we ever split. I do majority of her day to day care and she follows me around like my shadow. I cannot bear to leave her. For my own selfish reasons but also because she will be left with a controlling asshole and im not sure he would put in the effort for her exercise needs, grooming etc. I'm not sure where I'm even going to live and no family or friends I could take the dog to so I think I am going to have to leave her. He is named on all the vets, microchip, insurance etc so I have nothing on that side.

I need some reassurance I am doing the right thing? I'm worried I'll stay here for another 10 years because of the dog. I love her so much but as everyone in my life is telling me I can't ruin my own life for her.

I doubt you can change the micro chip without his knowledge. When we moved house and needed to change the address I contacted them but they wouldn't speak to me as I wasn't the registered person on file.

I really feel for you as I don't think I could leave my dog. I wfh so am always with ddog. I do the feeding, cleaning and most of vet appts (and there's a lot). Walking is 50:50. My dh loves ddog as much as I do and he knows the dog wouldn't manage being at home all day on his own if I left. So he would let me have him.

What is in the best interests of the ddog? You say he's an aresehole to you but is he to the dog?

But you can’t take her i. the short and medium term anyway

your focus needs to be squarely on telling him it’s over, moving out, and getting the house on the market by the end of the week

You are jumping the gun re the dog op

there is a LOT to do before you can even have the dog

Well my OP is asking for advice on being ok with leaving her as feel I need to accept that before I can actually end things.

yes and loads saying “just take her”

when completely impractical

Yes he is overly controlling with the dog too and lazy with her. If I thought he would look after her well I'd accept it even though I'd struggle but it's the fact I don't know how well she will be looked after too that is making me feel I cannot leave her

Agree as I'd just take her if I could, that's the issue, I can't 😞

stop mumsnetting
tell him it’s over
ring estate agent

The other alternative is to go on about how much you don't want the bloody dog, what lousy and expensive flats there are for people with dogs so you are no way going to take it. Then watch him demand you take the dog to make your life difficult....

@chargrilledchickenyum I've read it but that doesn't mean it proves ownership 🤷‍♀️

www.bluecross.org.uk/advice/pets/wellbeing-and-care/microchipping-your-dog-or-cat

But she has nowhere to take it so what good is that?

I suspect your best chance of getting your dog would be to pretend you don't give a monkey's about her and don't want her ... the more he knows you're keen, the more it becomes a power game.

@Fairweatherrunner2 im sorry people are being harsh and not getting you are trying to leave an abusive relationship. All the people saying they wouldn’t leave a dog don’t realise how desperate you are and how once you realise the abuse you then see it all and it keeps hitting you.
Well don’t for making plans to leave. You are the most important and can fight for the dog. Once you have left. He will use the dog as leverage to try and make you stay and keep abusing you. He’ll soon realise it’s too much work for him and when he knows you are gone for good will be more likely to give them back.

For now, make a weeks diary. Who walks/feeds/toilets etc the dog so you have evidence going forward.

Have you had full legal advice before you leave the house? You'll need that. Separating and staying put could be an option.

But OP has nowhere she can take the dog to - there's no point taking it if they're going to end up homeless.

For now, make a weeks diary. Who walks/feeds/toilets etc the dog so you have evidence going forward.

The issue is that one person writing a diary doesn't really prove much. It's also very common for dog walks etc. to fall more to one person for a whole variety of reasons, it doesn't mean that person is the owner.

They were in the case of my friend who won custody (for want of a better word, given how the law views dogs as chattels). He could prove that he was a key part of the adoption process, did all of the dog walking and vet trips and payments, regardless of who was on the insurance and microchip database. He got good legal advice and was adroitly able to make his case.

@SwingingPlantar thank you, useful advice and much appreciated.

@Ponoka7 yes have spoken to a solicitor. My worry is things escalating if I stay until house is sorted so have spoken to them about that.

@fieldsofbutterflies the issue is really only short term though as once house is sorted I'd have no issue as I have a good salary. I'd maybe be able to make it work in the interim but don't know that until I pull the trigger and the issue is more he won't let me take her anyway.

@Fairweatherrunner2 you need to get yourself out and to somewhere safe before worrying about the dog though - I know you love her and that it's bloody hard but you're no good to her if you have nowhere to live or worse.

@Arlanymor but the issue that everyone keeps overlooking is that OP has nowhere to keep the dog until the house sells, so focusing on ownership at this point isn't really very helpful.

Even if the court says it's her dog, where is she going to live?

There's no way I'd leave the dog. It sounds like he will use the dog to make you stay or just to upset you. End it, get the house on the market, don't discuss the dog. When you can leave just take the dog with you.

I couldn't and wouldn't leave my dog. Get something sorted and if you're truly the better option for her then you have to take her. She's dependent on humans for her health wellbeing and happiness

@Fairweatherrunner2 have a look at Dog’s Trust, they offer short or longer term fostering of dogs for owners who have to leave due to domestic abuse. I have a friend who fosters for them, you can still have contact and get your dog back at the end, this might be a good option. I don’t think microchips can prove ownership these days tbh. See this link

https://www.bluecross.org.uk/advice/pets/wellbeing-and-care/microchipping-your-dog-or-cat#:~:text=No%2C%20a%20microchip%20alone%20is,%2C%20not%20an%20'owner'.

but I think dog’s trust would advise you on that.

Of course leave the dog. Bloody hell. He sounds horrible.

You've seen a solicitor and they didn't advise you that the house is 50% yours since his deposit wasn't protected with a declaration of trust or similar?

The dog is a red herring here. You can't take it because you have nowhere to take it. Focus on getting the house sold because he will likely do everything he can to sabotage that. Then work out the dog stuff.

Sounds like the microchip issue is solvable as you have the logins. You could at least change the mobile number to yours. The Dogs Trust have a fostering scheme for people fleeing domestic abuse that you could look at.

https://www.dogstrustfreedom.org.uk/