AIBU to leave the dog?

[Fairweatherrunner2]

I am planning to leave my partner, it has taken nearly 2 years to finally get to a place where I realise I deserve better and feeling strong that there is no future here.

He's been emotionally abusive, controlling (including financial), doesn't pull his weight, doesn't look after himself. I could go on but I have finally accepted that there is nothing left to salvage and I have no more strength to keep trying. I'm finding it hard to pull the trigger and actually go but the main thing holding me back is our dog. He has outright told me he would keep the dog if we ever split. I do majority of her day to day care and she follows me around like my shadow. I cannot bear to leave her. For my own selfish reasons but also because she will be left with a controlling asshole and im not sure he would put in the effort for her exercise needs, grooming etc. I'm not sure where I'm even going to live and no family or friends I could take the dog to so I think I am going to have to leave her. He is named on all the vets, microchip, insurance etc so I have nothing on that side.

I need some reassurance I am doing the right thing? I'm worried I'll stay here for another 10 years because of the dog. I love her so much but as everyone in my life is telling me I can't ruin my own life for her.

I love my dog immensely and couldn’t think of leaving her, but, in your situation he is using the dog to control you and stop you leaving.

Get legal advice re the joint house/mortgage and move out. Don’t tell him you are doing this. Do tell your family/friends/work and GP.

I'd just take the dog tbh. Insurance is not proof of ownership, you can change her registered details at the vet and if you know his log in to the microchip company you can change registered owner online too. The current owner does usually have to verify the change which is why you would need his login, although they also will sometimes send a form by post so if you intercept it, you could take care of that...not that I always advocate sneaky tactics, but if you jointly own the dog and you do her care and she is more attached to you, I'd do it anyway.

Can you leave, set yourself up in your own place and then try to get the dog back? (When you’re more settled and not staying with family). I know you say he wants to keep the dog, but if you do most of her day to day care currently - do you think if she was with him for a few weeks he might change his mind?

There are charities that do foster, but not sure of eligibility. Worth having a look though?

You can take this issue to the courts and even if he is the legal owner (and registered to him at the vet, insurance and on the the microchip database) they will also take other issues into account:
– Who paid for/ formally adopted the dog
– Who usually walks and takes care of the dog
– Who pays for dog’s expenses

The problem is that if all the paperwork etc. is in his name, then the rest is largely irrelevant and hard to prove. And yes, I know a microchip doesn't prove anything either but it definitely helps.

I also don't think a court will be remotely interested in who paid for dog food in a relationship where both parties live together and share expenses.

What nonsense. That just paperwork.

i highly doubt the op knows log in details for microchip

op do you work? i’d be squirrelling away money so that i could afford to move in to a place that accepts dogs. Then id play it cool with the ex re the dog, making out you’d be relieved not to be tied to the dog and walks and expense. I can almost guarantee he will react by pushing you to take the dog!

ha!

you don’t understand microchipping do you?

@chargrilledchickenyum microchip isn't proof of ownership.

Take the dog if he wo t look after her properly

No, you take the dog, just include her in your plans. You have an obligation to her.

maybe read this @fieldsofbutterflies

https://www.gov.uk/get-your-dog-cat-microchipped

Actually I just found the log in details for the microchip, it's his name and phone number but my email and I set up the account. I don't think I can change name without notifying him but at least I have the login details and can do some digging. I changed the vets contact details to me a while ago but think it's still his name

What do you mean he said you won't get half the equity? It's either your house or it's not

Because he paid a bit more deposit he says he would get more back but on deeds it's 50/50

Dogs must be microchipped before they’re transferred to a new owner,

It is not absolute proof
but it is the most solid evidence i. support of one person saying they are the owner over another (especially when the person registered on microchip database also is named at vets and on insurance docs!!)

amend details option?

I’d never leave my dogs with an abusive arsehole, it’s not going to take long for him to turn his temper onto the dog!

Says you can't transfer to new owner, would have to create a new account and transfer it but since I have access to his account I'd be able to do that in theory

Leaving my dog would be like abandoning my own child. I would never ever EVER.

That's my worry. Just trying to work out how I could get her out with me

all this is secondary to you getting a place where you can have the dog!

Do you work? any savings?

This⬆️

I work and have some savings, I just can't afford a place and to pay the mortgage at same time so need to have the house sold or bought out to be able to rent.

so the issue with the dog is that the dog has to stay until you have found somewhere suitable?

Yes that and the fact he would make it difficult for me to take her as he wants to keep her