Male carer changing daughter’s nappy

[FirstTimeMummyHK]

AIBU to expect the nursery to tell me in advance that a man has now joined the nursery and will be changing my daughter’s nappy? We have been with this nursery for a while and there were only female carers there. The other day I went to pick up my daughter and there was a man sitting in there and I asked the nursery manager quietly
whether he changes my daughter and she said yes he would do. The nursery manager was very grumpy that I mentioned it. I was very nice and
polite to her. I felt that her reaction to my
question was unnecessarily grumpy. I am part of a religion where it’s quite a big deal to separate men and woman although we are not orthodox. I understand that nurseries wish to preserve equality etc and I am
a huge supporter of
men taking on caring roles. However AIBU to expect to be told in advance that a man would be changing my daughter / taking her to the toilet/ wiping her private area??

A couple of terrible cases of women in early childcare recently - not sexual but general. Clearly we need to stop having women in early childcare.

@FirstTimeMummyHK you don’t come across as a “huge supporter of men in caring roles”. Especially as you’re off to search for a female only nursery! By the way there is no such thing. You might find a nursery where no men are currently employed but it’s a profession with a fairly high turnover of staff and they could employ a man at any time. What are you going to do? Move your daughter every time that happens?

Because they will have had training and DBS checks etc. It's female dominated for historic misogynistic reasons including poor pay.

What a sad world you live in where the men you know are such predators. Do you also not let your kids be treated by male paediatricians?

Nope. I have no problem with my DH providing intimate care for his own children because I trust him- I’m happy with the minuscule risk he poses as a man. But a random man I don’t know, I am not happy with the risk.

It's a very different thing to ask that a man doesn't change her daughter's nappy to refusing to not wanting a man to be in the setting at all. I think that's pretty obvious so I'm not sure why you're trying to make out that's what OP is suggesting

I get it’s part of your religion but the carer is a carer, it isn’t sexual.
You’re being unreasonable and I am not surprised the manager acted that way.

Allow me to repost this:

I want everyone ‘cool’ with this situation to do a Google image search for ‘daycare worker charged with sexual assault’ and see who pops up. It is as expected (even a couple of trans ‘women’ there too … )

This would be a massive no for me too OP. I would not risk my child in this way.

95+% of sexual abusers are male.

I'm sure there are quite a few parents who've opted out of using institutional childcare after reading horror stories in the media. They've decided that the risk, however small, is too high for them. As is their right as parents.

Don't think I've seen anyone on Mumsnet calling them insane, yelling NOT ALL NURSERY WORKERS and whataboutery garbage (what about all those SAHMs who harm their kids huh?) and asking them to empathise with the feelings of the poor, discriminated against workers.

Have a lovely day

I don’t think the OP’s concerns relate to worries about peodophilia though. These are religion based concerns. I think it’s her surprise that a man was allowed to change her daughter without her consent that has made people 🤔
Nurseries employ male staff, as they should. Women change boys’ nappies and vice versa. Consent isn’t needed. I could understand if the OP had expressly stated that their child wasn’t to be changed by a man due to religious reasons and they’d gone against that and done it anyway. But I don’t think she’d given the nursery that instruction so of course they weren’t going to consult her. She hasn’t asked them to! They’re not mind readers.

I think you don’t get that it’s part of her religion at all. I don’t think anyone on the thread is thinking the carer is being sexual with her baby ffs. I think it makes sense for the OP to define what’s ok based on her religion as she will know it best.

DBS checks are notoriously flawed. Many, many predators have had 'clean' records before they were caught they first time.

Also, any doctor, male or not, would not be carrying out intimate care without a chaperone - usually the parents! And you absolutely have a right to request a female if you want to. So where are your comparisons here?

THIS.

Op, I am curious what the replies would have been had you not mentioned your religious background 🤔 Segregation in matters of care is part of many cultures around the world, including mine.
Fathers are not the same as other male nursery worker.

Would you seriously leave your young, non verbal little girl alone with a male paediatrician if he needed to access her genitals? You wouldn't be right there watching like a hawk?

If your not happy about it, change nurseries…

I personally wouldn’t mind either way, as it’s their job but if you aren’t happy you can change nurseries

She said she was off to find a female only nursery.

Females' aren't responsible for 99.9 % of csa so no that would not be necessary.

I understand the OP and I wouldn't be too happy either.

You can't equate women changing boys nappies.

On balance, women don't assault young boys.
or rape them.

This is not to say this nursery worker is a paedophile, but I'd not be comfortable with it.

A male dr would always have a chaperone to protect him and the child. Or should.

So it's a professional requirement.

This is the difference and why I feel males caring for young girls is questionable.

We are all too aware of the perverts who become scout leaders.

You can request that her nappy isn't changed by a man. We have been asked in the past and complied. The disadvantage is your daughter may be wet/dirty longer if the the female staff member is busy with an activity while the male staff member is available to do it but that would be the most likely compromise.

The fatal flaw in a DBS check is it only flags up previous behaviour for which the perpetrator has been caught. It isn't a device that sees into a person's mind and identifies pedophilic traits or future intent. Every single child abuser at some point in their lives would have been able to pass a DBS check. Obviously they are a useful tool, but not the protective force field some imply.

I understand your point OP, I am not sure I would be comfortable with a male nursery carer for a girl either. I have no idea how I would like this situation being approached, whether simply being told would help of whether its reasonable to expect it. It seems that its not politically correct to have concerns about it, but that doesnt mean your feelings and worries arent valid.

People on her mention doctors and nurses... as a female I dont like male doctors, nurses, physios etc. and alway ask for a female.

Also, in my opinion a female carer changing a boy isnt exactly the same as a male carer changing a girl. Some people will feel its the same /whether its their genuine belief/feeling or something that they accepted/ and some will feel its not.

Certainly the nursery manager shouldnt have been grumpy with you. You would certainly feel better about the whole situation if she understood where you are coming from.