Male carer changing daughter’s nappy

[FirstTimeMummyHK]

AIBU to expect the nursery to tell me in advance that a man has now joined the nursery and will be changing my daughter’s nappy? We have been with this nursery for a while and there were only female carers there. The other day I went to pick up my daughter and there was a man sitting in there and I asked the nursery manager quietly
whether he changes my daughter and she said yes he would do. The nursery manager was very grumpy that I mentioned it. I was very nice and
polite to her. I felt that her reaction to my
question was unnecessarily grumpy. I am part of a religion where it’s quite a big deal to separate men and woman although we are not orthodox. I understand that nurseries wish to preserve equality etc and I am
a huge supporter of
men taking on caring roles. However AIBU to expect to be told in advance that a man would be changing my daughter / taking her to the toilet/ wiping her private area??

They’re trained professionals. My mum has dementia and receives care at home. The care agency send male carers on occasion and l’ve never had cause for complaint as they are just as caring and professional with her as any of the female care staff.

A proportion of them maybe, but certainly not all. Research from Australia suggests that men who have offended are:

• More likely to be married
• More likely to earn higher incomes
• Almost 3 times more likely to be working with children

Your average offender isn't necessarily who you think they might be.

Let’s be honest… men don’t want to work in childcare in the same ratios as females do… the pay and conditions are awful…. Most women only work in childcare because the hours suit their own childcare needs.
Look at the statistics …. Nurseries and infant schools are majority female staff…. Juniors and seniors the ratios level out somewhat.
It isn’t all down to stereotypes, women are by makeup / biology generally more ‘caring/nurturing’…. We are designed that way… (not always the case but generally)… Men generally don’t want these roles. Not just because of what society says a man should be like, they just don’t.

For what it’s worth, this logic applies in other areas of society. For example, female social workers can be assigned male or female children. Male social workers are only assigned male children. I bet many of the posters here would rant and rave about how wrong that is. But actually, you are all incorrect. It is basic child safeguarding and common sense.

I am a foster carer and have worked in child protection for over 30 years for three different local authorities. I have to say I have NEVER EVER come across a male social worker only being assigned male children. Or indeed any female social workers being assigned female children. I am going through my memories of all the girls I have cared for, and over half have had male social workers. Where did you get this fact because it simply not true in my experience? It has never been a factor and have never even come across it as an issue, even with the parents of the girls (who usually make an issue of anything they can). The only time I have ever come across a male social worker whose parents objected to him being their SON'S social worker it was from a very religious family whose objection was that the male social worker could be gay!!

Of course boys are safer if they are changed by women as well. Do you think that men with a sexual interest in children don't go for boys too? Have you never heard the reports of things that have happened in boarding schools, in churches etc? Little boys are at lower risk than girls, but they are still at risk

Yes, as many people have pointed out, women can offend too, but the risk is far, far lower. Even when they do offend, it's usually for the gratification of a man, rather than for themselves.

Depends where you look I guess

I wouldn't want a male worker changing my son either. It's not the sex of the child which is the issue, the risk is with the sex of the worker. Men are much, much more likely to commit sexual crimes than women, why are posters pretending otherwise?

YOU take your sexist attitude elsewhere.
sexual abuse is more common by a family member.
im not saying it doesn't happen in care, but some of your comments are truly vile
And a reason why we won’t get rid of sexism.
having male childcare workers is good for young kids.

Yanbu. Comments saying well women change baby boys; women are not men

Not sure that’s about nappy changing
my post also referenced and comes from the Department of Education.

YOU take your sexist attitude elsewhere.
sexual abuse is more common by a family member.

I don't understand this point either. Just because it's more common in families doesn't mean we should ignore safeguarding risks elsewhere.

It is men who abuse within families too!

@GivePeaceAChance like I’ve said, I’ve dedicated my whole working life to care and never have I ever worked in a place where males are allowed to do personal care on females unless in extreme circumstances.
policy dictated that males were always rotated to be on shift with female staff, so the occasion where a male needed to perform personal care on a female was minimal.
This was implemented for the protection of the staff member.
I had an incident where my daughter had a nasty infection and I was questioned by the GP whether she was ever in the care of a male solely!…. They took samples and sent them away…. My DD was a baby then and only ever in my care, but imagine if she’d been at nursery where a male was doing PC…. I’d have said to the GP…. Well yes actually Dave at the nursery changes her nappy!! And all sorts of things would naturally go through everyone’s minds.
The nursery absolutely should not be allowing men to do PC on little girls, and where there is male staff they should be doing PC on the boys. There’s no reason for a man to do PC on females and this nursery is failing this man letting him.

I understand and appreciate both sides of the debate.
My comment and article I posted related to you declaring the legal right to refuse care for your child from a particular carer based on their sex.

I posted that that is not in fact the current legal position here in the UK.

YANBU. 99% of paedophiles are men. Paedophilia is more common than most people think.

All men should automatically be under suspicion for that reason, let alone ones who have intimate contact with the privates of toddlers.

I don't think there is such a thing as a female nursery - with all the staff turnover is high.

It is a given that staff of both work in childcare and if the staff member was grumpy, it's because it would be illegal for them to discriminate. She must have been shocked you asked, I would have been.

This is so incredibly naive. Do you have any idea about the numbers of men who view child pornography online? Or who pay to watch videos of young children being abused in poorer countries? Sadly, there are a lot of men who do sexualise things that you would consider inconceivable.

This is not just about families, it's about access to children.

I do wish I understood how parents deal with a child going into hospital ward , do they have the cheek(!) to quiz every staff member on their child's hospital ward . It does make me wonder .

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I wouldn't like it either but that's because of my own personal experiences

I can't understand why the OP is getting such a hard time. Intimate care should never be delivered by a male to a female unless the individual is capable of consent and has a voice.
I was sexually abused by an orderly while I was in ICU on a respirator. He was there to wash me while I was on my back unable to move or speak. I could not see what he did, I could not cry out but I could feel it and I know what happened. Under the blankets. Totally vulnerable.
On the other hand I have been examined by male obstetricians and male nurses but I have been either able to give consent or that male has never had unsupervised access.
If you are equating male caregivers to female babies with female caregivers and male babies that is a completely false equivalency. 98% of prosecuted sexual abusers are men. Often seeking out roles that give them access to victims. I am sorry for the men who genuinely have the best of intentions but their rights have to come second.

I'm not religious in the least but I wouldn't want a man as a caretaker for my infant/toddler children. I never hired male babysitters. I'm in the US and I think it's weird to have a male changing diapers in a nursery or daycare, so no idea why there are so many women in the UK acting like this is okay...I mean, really?

The only men who took care of my children alone were either my father who I trust implicitly, and my DH (no FIL alive). My male cousin is an elementary teacher and really good with kids, and he and his wife babysat our kids together w/ theirs, but he'd be the first to say that men overly interested in baby or toddler care are suspicious. I would have trusted my BILs, but, frankly, they weren't ever interested in babysitting alone. They'd help DSis or SIL and I know they would have done it alone in a pinch, but they weren't jumping up and down to help out with babies. Our male friends never offered and were pretty uninterested in the care of our babies longer than a few obligatory words or a short hold, which I find to be VERY NORMAL for most men who aren't predators and aren't related to the child.

I never thought this was controversial opinion. All my male relatives would agree with me too because, well, they know how shit men can be. No way would my DH agree to that kind of situation for our DDs.

A female nurse was helping my husband pee in a bottle after his surgery. Should I have been concerned?🙈🤪

@Delphinium20 It's because we think men and women are the same gender here, or something

You are not being unreasonable. I have a family member who works with victims of childhood SA so I know how prevalent this sort of thing is.

I have also consulted (in a work capacity) a child SA predator being discovered at an organisation that was catering specifically to children.

I met the person in my State who handles the working with children checks and after what she told me it absolutely would bother having a male nursery worker.

Predators will try anything to get access to victims. The way she approached her work was to immediately deny all working with children checks and when there was an appeal she would deny the appeal. I felt safer knowing she was in that position. She had a very black and white approach to her jobs. She once told me these people could do anything for work but they push and push to get access to children.

I used to work in a law firm and child SA predators were a significant source of income.

My child’s daycare at one stage had a male worker and he didn’t last long. But in my State every single person who is around children needs a certain level of education which means that people are more likely to pick up of abnormal behaviour.

My child did have a male person who he spends one in one time with in an educational setting and the day I met him was the day I made sure my child was toilet trained. We literally came home and I insisted the toilet training was going to work this time.

The people who are saying that the OP is being unreasonable have no idea.

Your husband isn’t a vulnerable child, so you’ve completely missed the point here.

The OP is not being unreasonable.

She had a fear which I don’t think is irrational.