DP always has to bend the rules. AIBU?

[TravellingSpoon]

I find it embarrasing and so infuriating.

He sees rules as a bit of a 'challenge' and thinks I am a goody goody, but its beginning to really grate on me and it outs me off spending time with him. We have been together just over 2 years, dont live together and live 20ish miles from each other. We see each other a couple of times a week.

Recent examples include.

• we went to an event that said no food/drink would be allowed in. He decided to take drink anyway and then when he was searched and subsequently it was removed had a bit of a strop.
• We are going to an open air concert thats outside. Picnic blankets are allowed but not chairs. He is planning on bringing a chair and has bought one specially.
• We are going away in the summer. The flight details are very clear on baggage restrictions under our ticket type. It says a carry on bag and one small personal item. He is planning to bring a big backpack and his cabin suitcase.

There are more, but these are the most recent. I find it so embarrasing when he gets found out. He thinks its a risk worth taking and I should just relax.

Would you be botherd by this? Its the cringe factor for me that makes it painful.

Sounds like you have taken the first step to dumping him by posting on here. Perhaps you want your suspicions confirmed.
And this behaviour is from someone who you only see twice a week. Imagine what he’s like on a daily basis.
I am glad for you that you don’t live with him and he lives 20+ miles away; it will make dumping him much easier. Good luck.

What is he risking it for? Is it because he really needs that chair, larger bag, etc. or is this more that he needs to feel like he 'won' in some way? If it's the second he sounds like a massive, insecure loser.

Oh dear. You really don't want to be with a man who thinks that they are an exception to every rule. The lack of empathy and consideration for others is 🚩

Whatever happened to the word ‘boyfriend’? It worked perfectly well to describe a man you are seeing, probably exclusively, but to whom you have no formal or domestic ties. The man you are involved with is surely not by any stretch of the imagination your ‘partner’, @TravellingSpoon.

Which is a good thing, because when you tire of his nonsense you can put him in the bin without any complications at all.

Agree about the word Partner, really can't stand this term and think it should only be used for long term cohabiting couples.
It doesn't make any sense otherwise.

Was with someone like this briefly.
Seemed to go out of his way to break rules.
White van man who only ever drove up people's backsides.
Would deliberately park in a disabled spot in an empty car park.
Left a pile of litter (takeaway meal) in the middle of a theme park footpath.
It was mortifying,people would see us and judge me (I picked up his litter but it annoyed him and caused a row)

Wouldn't pay his car Insurance until he got caught and car towed etc etc.
He was also quick to anger if you mentioned anything.

Couldn't be with another rule breaker. It's cringy and a real turn off.

Biggest turn off ever you need to leave him and date an adult

I just couldn't be with a man this embarrassing.

This does sound stressful! I would understand the drink being taken but not the strop after!

I wanted to say that the chair won't be allowed in, I have a disability so need one and you have to ask special permission to take it in and often it's only allowed in the disabled area. He will have to leave the chair and might not get it back!

He could however push it with a floor chair that rolls (like the one from decathlon) so it'll look like a picnic blanket when you go in but will be more comfortable than sitting on a picnic blanket!

Oh, I missed that bit!

It would exacerbate the problem for me that he makes a fuss when caught out. If he were at least prepared to shrug his shoulders and acknowledge that it was a risk he chose to take, it would be less stressful.

I must say, I'd find this all incredibly tedious.

My sympathies, OP

My narcissistic, coercive controlling, abusive ex was like this with EVERYTHING, constantly justifying himself and thinking he looked cool somehow, yet was a very strict disciplinarian with our DC (and me!)

It’s exhausting and really unattractive. I hope he can change and that he doesn’t begin to display any more controlling behaviours…

Bin him

You are clearly not suited and you're not tied to him, so shy are you still together?

Go on the holiday, if you want, but be naughty and put something in his bags that Customs would be interested in. Then catch your flight by yourself.

The thing is, if you move in together one day and you ask him to pick his clothes up off the floor that will be perceived by him as a rule to be broken. He will see any number of your very reasonable requests and expectations as a challenge. It would be a very adversarial and unpleasant way to live.

Some of his rule breaking, particularly the chair at the open air event, is actually very antisocial and would make me wonder if he was actually right in the head.

I stand on the left of escalators.

I'm left handed.

Does he ever 'win', that is get away with anything worthwhile?

Sounds like PDA to me (pathological demand avoidance). My dad has a bit of that. Rules infuriate him and will avoid them as much as possible. Sadly, 60% success rate in bending/ avoiding compliance. He doesn't tire!

What is the relevance of this? Did your other hand get amputated?

I couldn’t be with someone that juvenile and pathetic

Picnic - his chair will likely be taking off him like the food and if he went in a strop then I would tell him to stop being a child

Plane - if his bags get refused or he has to pay for them to be checked oh well that’s his issue (make sure it comes out of his money and not any joint pot)

To be honest I would just laugh at him and tell him he is an arse. I would also be looking at finishing it as he would just irritate me

I would be very concerned about dating someone with this compulsion because I too have rules - how is he about sexual consent? How is he about being faithful (to whatever level you have agreed)? Does he think he is getting one over on you by dodging paying his full share of mutual expenses? Is he reckless about safety (because drink drive limits are for rule followers, etc)? Does he treat pets (and children) properly or are rules about ensuring their needs/safety are met for other people?

I dated a similar man and it was a nightmare.

It didn’t matter what the rule was, he would break it just to break it.

I don’t mind a bit of rebellious spirit but it was over pointless stuff.
It got very annoying quickly and then it just became embarrassing and cringey.

I ended it and luckily I did because he started talking about anti-vax not long after.

You can’t continue with this relationship because you’ll end up resenting him and wasting your life on something that doesn’t work.

Does he post here pretending to be a woman?

I am not a big believer in obsessive rule following, especially as so many rules are either not actually a rule or just ridiculous jobsworthness.

But your DP would piss me off for two reasons: 1. if the rule really is there, and you get caught, you need to gracefully concede and pay the fine/toss the contraband etc. 2. his rule-breaking seems to be focused on extreme selfishness because it's what HE wants. I mean, I have sympathy for not wanting to pay for overpriced snacks at a concert or movie, but insisting on sitting on a chair, which would massively inconvenience all the people around him is just rude.

Oh god, I can't bear people like this. Apart from the massive cringe factor, it's just selfish, arrogant and attention-seeking behaviour that fucks things up for other people (such as the staff at events who have to deal with his bullshit, and other people who obeyed the rules). Dickhead.

These are red flags indicating what is to come. I was with someone like this and it started off with small things. A couple of early examples were we were on holiday and went on jet skis. You had to sign to say you would follow the rules and this included keeping to a speed limit. He kept speeding up, I implored him to slow down and he laughed at me whenever this came up for nearly 20 years. He is in a senior position but can't grasp basic liability law. He could have killed someone!

Another time we were buying a car seat and took our car to have the seat fitting. Instead of a seat he insisted to the staff he wanted some sort of carrycot arrangement and on and on he went about it. He did this in john lewis, in mothercare, in a specialist supplier. Even after everyone had explained to him that these don't exist as car restraints for a good reason. I had to buy one online as I was too ashamed to go back to any of thr shops. Mortifying.

I don't have any fond memories of the relationship but I could fill threads with all these seemingly small anecdotes.

The key point is that he will violate your boundaries and make you feel small and stupid for as long as you are with him. This may well escalate into things you can't imagine right now. Run, and meet someone nice instead.