DP always has to bend the rules. AIBU?

[TravellingSpoon]

I find it embarrasing and so infuriating.

He sees rules as a bit of a 'challenge' and thinks I am a goody goody, but its beginning to really grate on me and it outs me off spending time with him. We have been together just over 2 years, dont live together and live 20ish miles from each other. We see each other a couple of times a week.

Recent examples include.

• we went to an event that said no food/drink would be allowed in. He decided to take drink anyway and then when he was searched and subsequently it was removed had a bit of a strop.
• We are going to an open air concert thats outside. Picnic blankets are allowed but not chairs. He is planning on bringing a chair and has bought one specially.
• We are going away in the summer. The flight details are very clear on baggage restrictions under our ticket type. It says a carry on bag and one small personal item. He is planning to bring a big backpack and his cabin suitcase.

There are more, but these are the most recent. I find it so embarrasing when he gets found out. He thinks its a risk worth taking and I should just relax.

Would you be botherd by this? Its the cringe factor for me that makes it painful.

I know a couple of blokes who do this sort of thing, very much in a 'no-one tells me what to do' kind of way. They're both immature bellends.

It would stress me out too. Plus it makes it difficult and holds you up. The baggage thing is a pain and will inconvenience you, security and check in you'll have to wait etc. just urghhh

Yes, Oscar Schindler, famed for the heroic act of smuggling a chair into a concert.

He sounds awful. That would really annoy me. The idea that rules don’t apply to him suggests some kind of narcissism too.

The chairs thing is incredibly selfish - does he realised chairs aren’t allowed because it means the people behind won’t be able to see?

And when eventually it's your boundaries he's tramping all over, what then?...

Well I did once unpack my bag at the gate and put on enough clothes that the bag could be crammed in the frame, back when they used those. I wasn't bad tempered about it, but I can see some spouses would die of shame!

It runs in the family. My uncle once sat on a fence at some state line in the US and ate a bag or oranges that they wouldn't let him bring across.

And I would argue that it is the same thing - so often you can do all these things and nobody says a word about it.

I don’t agree with this.

These sort of “rule breakers” who are actually just selfish, would be the first to join the Nazis.

The Nazis would appeal to this sort of person because they were breaking social and moral norms.

The kind of person who sticks to rules that are for the benefit of all is the kind of person who would defy the Nazis - because we would be aware that there is a higher law than that of a dictatorship.

Had this argument on a leadership course recently - about the need for “rule breakers” - people were saying Boris Johnson was an example of one, or Donald Trump, but we all know someone like them would be part of the dictatorship not working against it.

I'm all for the odd bit of rule bending but getting in a huff when it backfires is ridiculous!

The luggage thing is just dumb and would make me question his lack of common sense which would be a turn off. He will just get charged a lot for the extra bag!

I had a boyfriend like that when I was in my early twenties, I stayed with him a lot longer than I should have.

Aside from all of the other good points, why would you go out of your way to cause hassle for event staff when they have to confront and confiscate your chair etc, anyone whose worked in customer service knows it can be really nerve wracking when you have to uphold the rules because some people can be such dicks about it, and it just doesn't show a lot of empathy for the staff really does it. I might be too sensitive about this, admittedly.

It sounds tedious but how is he towards you? Does he break your rules too and overstep the boundaries?
It sounds like he has no respect for others and is self centred

Your comment just opened my eyes about my ex's behaviour too.

He also was a 'rule breaker' that didn't care for other people or members of the public. Poor manners etc. But also he used to be a bit dodgy with his taxes, his employer, trying to make a profit from friends/family, and eventually was unfaithful.

This is connecting some dots for me

The person behind my in the queue at the airport last year bought a wheely cabin bag when they had only paid for a basic small under the seat bag-obviously they stopped her and showed her it didn’t fit in the luggage checker. They charged her a small fortune to take it on board!

Does he respect your boundaries op? This would piss me off bigtime and stop me enjoying doing things with him

Those would irritate me too. The stropping for silly reasons particularly. . There’s some rules I happily ignore as long as they go under the radar and don’t affect anyone. The wrong coloured socks with school uniform for example.

It wouldn't be so bad if he got away with the rule breaking: ie if he hadn't got caught with the drink. He's breaking rules but not benefiting because he's maybe a bit daft?
He won't get away with the extra luggage on the plane, either. All seems a bit pointless 🤷

The thing is bending the rules around “small things” if you are say in a different country on hols could bring on completely unnecessary stress and even put you in risky situations if found out, like bringing food and drink or smoking where not allowed. I would be very annoyed if that was me.

He sounds like a fucking idiot. HTH.

I was going to ask, does he always try and push your boundaries too?

you know what, the examples you've given are a bit lame and I would probably roll my eyes a bit but IF he followed through on being "a risk he is willing to take", i.e. made contingency plans and was completely fine and polite to staff if challenged - e.g. 'well I need to take this extra stuff on holiday so I'll try and sneak it through but if they say no I'll just pay to put it in the hold,' or 'well if they say no to the chair I'll just take it back to the car no harm done,' I'd think fair enough - sometimes things are worth a try. I can still see how it's a bit arrogant thinking you are above the rules but as long as he reacts appropriately if/when told no it's wouldn't be a huge issue for me, I'd just roll my eyes and let him get on with it.

But from what you've said when he was refused last time he had a strop, which I assume means was rude to the staff/in a mood with you. Which is pathetic, unfair on people only doing their jobs and would 100% put me off him.

Manchild.

It's not about you being a 'goody goody'.

It's about being prepared to take a minor risk or not and the potential outcome of wrong doing. You choose the sensible route that involves no risk. He is an idiot.

Say he takes a big bottle of water on a plane - fine no big deal when they take it off him. He looks foolish. Fine. He loses water.

But when he takes a chair he's just bought to a gig he's not allowed it at, or takes a rucksack on as hand luggage, it's fairly obvious that these things will not be allowed. So he will lose out.

The chair will be binned so he loses money. The rucksack will be put into the hold and flung about - with the potential of his stuff breaking or being stolen as he prob won't have put padlocks on it, not having thought ahead for potential issues that may arise due to his thoughtless and childish behaviour.

Those risks seem to high and will have an impact he won't like. He's a dick.

Does he just get a buzz out of pushing authority or something? Or pushing your buttons? He should have more consideration for the consequences.

Dunno if this applies but I wonder (if you have kids) if his parenting style could be overly strict if he thinks your overly lax (or vice versa) so he feels the need to challenge your choices to 'prove' youre wrong....

I've done stuff like taken drinks when the theatre says you're not allowed (and got away with it), however if I was caught and told to chuck them away I would do so uncomplainingly. I wouldn't do the other two things you mentioned or even think about it.

I knew someone like this, thought the rules didn't apply to them.

It's actually highly irritated for everyone involved but they don't care.

It's best to show them how much of a twat they are being rather than try to tell them. I found ignoring quite effective until they run out of people to piss off.

You know the phrases 'there's always one' and 'not like the other girls'?

He fits both. He's always that one wanker who spoils everything for staff/family/others and he thinks he's more special than any other bog standard wanker.

It's not a good basis for a relationship.

irritating*