Am I being too harsh - timekeeping?

[Rumors1]

I have a sister who I am very close to. We are very different but generally get on well enough. She is a terrible timekeeper, always has been. I have mentioned to her on numerous occasions that I find poor timekeeping really rude, she tends to shrug it off and say its my problem.

Last weekend I asked if she wanted to come to brunch with me and mam. I said I needed to be home at 2.45pm so suggested we meet at 11.30am to give us a couple of hours to browse the shops and eat. She said she was dropping her DD to dance at 12.10 and would be over then. Its about 15-20 drive from the class so I was expecting her about 12.30.

Mam and I browsed the shops from 11.30 - 12.30 and I rang sister at 12.30 to say we were going in to the restaurant so to come straight in when she arrived. No answer on the phone. She rang me back at 12.45 to say there was a change of plan with her that morning and she was only leaving her house now to come over and told us to eat without her. She arrived at 1.20 just as we were finishing lunch.

As usual there was no apology only excuses. I said I didn't want to argue with her but in future would she please send a text when she is going to be late. I said she knew long before she phoned that she wouldn't be here on time and could have let us know then as we were waiting until 12.30 for her before eating.

She said no, she wouldn't send a text as there was no need, she was only 45 mins later, she didn't expect us to wait on her, we could just have gotten on with our day and didn't need her. She totally gaslit me over it.

A few months ago we arranged to meet up with our children and SIL and DN at 3pm to shop and get hot chocolate with the children (the place we were at closed at 5pm). I rang her at 3.45pm and she was in a different town. She said "oh just carry on, you don't need me there..". She arrived at 4.45pm, no apology and carried on like nothing had happened.

Anyway it seems now she isn't speaking to me after last weekend.

I do think she has ADHD, she is very disorganised. I try to give some leeway. I have a friend who is usually late but its always only 15 mins and she almost always texts and certainly always apologises so I don't mind.

AIBU or is she in the wrong?

So just carry on without her, go for lunch, go for the hot chocolate. Stop waiting around for her, she's not going to change but you can

YANBU it’s really disrespectful of your sister. Her difficulty with timekeeping may or may not be due to some neurodivergence but her lack of genuine apology or understanding of your point of view is unacceptable. I generally stop making plans with people like this (harder when it’s your sister I know)

I think all you can do is carry on without her. Don't expect her to be on time, it sounds like you'll just keep being disappointed.

I have ADHD and YANBU.

She needs to show more respect for your time and if she does have ADHD-related time blindness (as opposed to simply being thoughtless) she needs to find a way to compensate for it.

Surely she wouldn't do this at her workplace, assuming she has a job?

I can’t be arsed with people like your DS who commits to plans then are too flaky to follow them through. It’s not about ‘you don’t need me there’ it’s about spending time together.

I don’t ‘do’ continual lateness with friends or family, It’s rude disrespectful and disorganised. My friend who is ND and many factors can affect her timekeeping but she’s responsible and sets MANY alarms to make sure she gets where she needs to be on time.

Personally, I’d be getting on with my life without inviting her anywhere and when she complains about not being invited tell her why.

Yanbu - she is being rude.
she may have a reason for finding it hard but there’s no reason she can’t acknowledge that or apologise.

I'd just crack on without waiting for her.

Your ds is a rude selfish twat. I wouldn’t bother to arrange anything with her again.

Thanks for the responses. I get so frustrated with her!!

I do think she has time blindness but despite us having these conversations and talking about ways to manage it (she has no watch or clock in her house) and her DD always takes her phone, she still doesnt do anything about it.

She doesnt work, she is regularly late for appointments but can be on time when she wants. I just feel like its really disrespectful but more disrespectful to gaslight me when I explain how frustrating it is. She wont take responsibility but blames me.

I was "late" once to her house for a BBQ. I say "late" in inverted commas, because I told her I would be an hour late when she gave the invitation. She forgot and went through me when I arrived for being late. After I explained I had forewarned her about my arrival time, I said - well now you know how I feel every time we meet up.

Just take her at her word, do things like eating at the arranged time and if she misses out, tough!

I think the only thing for you to do is simply stop inviting her/asking you to join you on any plans going forward.
No discussion necessary.
She's rude and sounds quite selfish

Simply stop.

If she's bothered she will bring it up.

Stop inviting her... that's the only solution. Or just tell her where you'll be and at at what time. Then it's up to her... get on about your day, make no adjustments.

Tell her that you will no longer make plans with her until she recognises that your time is just as valuable as hers. Make plans with your mum, etc without her.

Agree with everyone else- take her at her word. If she hasn't arrived at the agreed time, carry on with your original plans.

Never book activities just you two that are time specific (e.g theatre tickets) and try to meet her in a group so that it's not just you waiting around for her.

with me 5/10 mins i can understand but other than that its taking the biscuits

I feel your pain.. my mum is always late... Like I'll be with you at 10am and get a message at 10.45 saying I'm just leaving now so another half hour..

It's rude.. like your time isn't worth anything..

I stopped meeting up going out for lunches.. told her to just come round when ever..

She was even 25 minutes late for my 40th birthday lunch.

Drives me crazy.. I'd simply carrying on going about your business invite her and if she turns late so be it her problem not yours.

Absoloutly not unreasonable. It's not that she just runs late, but she makes plans with you and then does something else. It's rude. My brother is the same. He'll say about 2 and turn up at 6 and then say, well I said about 2 I didn't give a definite time. Or he'll make plans with us and someone else and leave us hanging. One mothers day we met at 9 for breakfast we sat there 2 and a half hours at the table waiting bearing in mind my kids were like 2 and 9 then, we finally ordered. He turned up at 11.50 hungover and kicked off because we'd ordered food with out him, making a scene then kicked off because breakfast finished at 12 lol. Like are you actually serious. I have so many stories. So we started telling him an earlier time he cottoned on to that eventually thou.

For her to just not think or to send a text, it's so rude and how is she the one that's now not talking to you lol. She needs to apologise and grow up.

My son has adhd and yes it can make them run late and be disorganised but do you know what it doesn't do, make him rude so that of he is struggling or running late he'll say I'm running late. Bet she csn be on time for things that matter to her.

That's what annoyed me, he'd be on time for friends or what ever but he didn't give 2 figs to keep us waiting.

She is rude and doesn't have respect for any one else. I for one would just stop asking her to do anything or ay well be here between x and y if you want to come and if she doesn't show just get on with out her.

Disrespectful waste of space. Can’t bear people like that.

I think by this point, I'd just assume that she had no interest in changing.

Keep inviting her to things, certainly, but stick to the original time frame. If the plan is eating at 1pm, then you're walking into the restaurant at 1pm. If she's not there, tough shit.

Tell her the meeting time is 45 mins before the time you actually want her... job done 😅

Anyway it seems now she isn't speaking to me after last weekend

Result. Now you can happily plan your days out without her flaking on you, being late and throwing a strop when you say something.

Make your plans, stick to them and tell her to join you if and when she can.
She's told you that's fine with her so don't make it a drama by expecting more from her.

She sounds like a hypocritical arsehole after that update about the BBQ! I would just get on with things without her.

Yes it rude but she's not upset about you carrying on without her. Save yourself the stress, make plans and just carry on if she's late. I wouldn't even contact her when you move on from where she expectd to find you. If she can't be bothered to notify you when she's running late and says she wouldn't be upset if you just carried on then take her at her word.

This. I do it all the time with my sister, who lives in a parallel universe where everything is about an hour later than it is in the real world😂

She once agreed to take me to test drive a second hand car at an agreed time with the seller- I'm disabled and need an automatic plus a few other specific features that means suitable cars are quite few & far between, so I was very keen to try this one out. she was so late that by the time we'd got there someone else had test driven & bought it. I was furious.

But she was very apologetic and I love her dearly, so nowadays I just tell her to be there at least 30 mins before we actually need to meet. It usually works!

she has no watch or clock in her house

Why not? It is clear that she has no intention of making any effort to change.

I agree that you either stop making plans with her or you make plans and start on time and just carry on without her. How does she get her child to school on time?

I get increasingly irritated by people using neurodiversity as an excuse for poor behaviour.