Am I being too harsh - timekeeping?

[Rumors1]

I have a sister who I am very close to. We are very different but generally get on well enough. She is a terrible timekeeper, always has been. I have mentioned to her on numerous occasions that I find poor timekeeping really rude, she tends to shrug it off and say its my problem.

Last weekend I asked if she wanted to come to brunch with me and mam. I said I needed to be home at 2.45pm so suggested we meet at 11.30am to give us a couple of hours to browse the shops and eat. She said she was dropping her DD to dance at 12.10 and would be over then. Its about 15-20 drive from the class so I was expecting her about 12.30.

Mam and I browsed the shops from 11.30 - 12.30 and I rang sister at 12.30 to say we were going in to the restaurant so to come straight in when she arrived. No answer on the phone. She rang me back at 12.45 to say there was a change of plan with her that morning and she was only leaving her house now to come over and told us to eat without her. She arrived at 1.20 just as we were finishing lunch.

As usual there was no apology only excuses. I said I didn't want to argue with her but in future would she please send a text when she is going to be late. I said she knew long before she phoned that she wouldn't be here on time and could have let us know then as we were waiting until 12.30 for her before eating.

She said no, she wouldn't send a text as there was no need, she was only 45 mins later, she didn't expect us to wait on her, we could just have gotten on with our day and didn't need her. She totally gaslit me over it.

A few months ago we arranged to meet up with our children and SIL and DN at 3pm to shop and get hot chocolate with the children (the place we were at closed at 5pm). I rang her at 3.45pm and she was in a different town. She said "oh just carry on, you don't need me there..". She arrived at 4.45pm, no apology and carried on like nothing had happened.

Anyway it seems now she isn't speaking to me after last weekend.

I do think she has ADHD, she is very disorganised. I try to give some leeway. I have a friend who is usually late but its always only 15 mins and she almost always texts and certainly always apologises so I don't mind.

AIBU or is she in the wrong?

Don't "carry on without her", just stop inviting her in the first place. She's got a right brass neck about it, it's not that she's desperately trying to be on time and the world is conspiring against her, it's just that she doesn't give a fuck about being there or not being there and doesn't think it's in any way important.

She is not going to change, so just stop making plans with her because you know she'll let you down.

You can’t change her, so it’s probably worth changing your own expectations of her if you want to have a relationship with her.

I actually think what you did was perfect

• clear boundary re finishing time which you didn’t shift,
• you and your dm enjoyed the earlier part of the day rather than trying to squeeze to her schedule/timings.
• went to the restaurant and texted her to join you

It’s just the emotional/stress piece that’s missing. I find once I accept people as they are, and don’t expect a transformation, it’s much easier on my blood pressure and mh.

I heard it described once that we use a generic user manual and get frustrated when the person isn’t operating as described. So you have to add notes to the margin. In your dsis’ case those would be
• terrible time keeping
• rude
• thoughtless
• gaslighting

Obviously it’s up to you whether you want to keep making an effort but if you do, lower your expectations to match how she actually is, rather than what the generic user model predicts.

Either stop making plans to see her, or if you continue, just get on with whatever you were planning & accept she may turn up at some point, but it's not likely to be anywhere near the time you arranged.

I'd stop arranging to meet her if I were you. She has no regard whatsoever for you, down to the fact that she doesn't even apologise when she's late, or send you a text letting you know beforehand.

In the future I'd just continue with your plans and if she arrives great, if not, then you're not inconvenienced.

I know people like this and as soon as I stop waiting for them, I stopped getting annoyed and they suddenly arrived on time, as knew they would be left behind. 😂 Win. Win.

The 2 examples you have given, you haven't given specific times to eat at restaurants. People with adhd don't tend to do too well with vague plans. It might help to be very specific and say 'we're meeting at 3 ish at the shops for a look around if you can make it, but we need to be at the restaurant at 4 by the absolute latest - can you make that - yes or no? '

But that's just not true. The OP says they originally said 11.30, sister said that didn't work for her, so they agreed on 12.30. Sister arrived at 1.20.

Also that they had agreed to meet in a cafe at 3pm, they called her at 3.45 and she was in a different town, arrived at 4.45.

Those were specific plans which she chose to disregard.

Yanbu but I think some answers here are a bit extreme, she’s op’s sister, she can’t never do anything with her ever again!!!!!

Some people you can trust to be on time some you can’t, is it really worth the relationship with your sister? She hasn’t asked you to wait on her ultimately she is the one losing out.

My Mum and sister suffer time blindness and i tell them the meet up time or party time etc 1 hour earlier than they actually are and it works out for me , they have no idea and it takes the stress away.

I r overthinking it, she turned up, don’t make a fuss over nothing.
u say u think she has adhd it’s very common to have bad timekeeping.

You are allowing her to be like this

Tell her what the plan is, if she’s not there, tough, carry on without her

You are not harsh.

You are being far too soft. Time for tough love, no more meeting up at all unless say a funeral or some other life event. Maybe after a couple of years reconsider.

She can be on time when she wants to be.

Says it all.

She's being rude and she doesn't care how her behaviour affects other people's plans or time. It's all about her. Hence her annoyance with you when you weren't at hers at a particular time once --- even with warning that you couldn't be there for another hour.

Stop catering to it and just do what you want to do when you want to do it.

I think after all this time you know she will be late. Just carry on with your plans and let her turn up when she wants. It’s her that’s missing out but she doesn’t seem bothered and is happy for you to carry on without her. She’s not going to change now so accept the way she is and get on with life. She does actually turn up each time which shows she wants the contact. You are making her problem your problem and there’s really no need

This. I wouldn't bother asking her in future

She makes arrangements with you then says you don't need her there. Next time say no, we don't need you there so you're not invited.

She is prioritising other stuff over your plans. Maybe it was important to be in another town or maybe it wasn't. I would just stick to your plans and when you've finished your coffee/lunch leave. Don't waste your time hanging around.

Well that’s Xmas and bdays sorted, just buy her a clock each time until she can show up on time - time blindness sounds like a slight tint of something, it’s not it’s f…..g rude!

TBH I’m a good timekeeper in general but I on the occasions where I’m not, when it comes to family, I wouldn’t appreciate being told off like a naughty child. If it’s at work, fair enough, but when it comes to family I give Grace (because I understand life gets in the way) and I expect grace back.

She didn’t ask you to wait for her, you weren’t on your own, your day wasn’t disrupted, you just didn’t get as much time with her.

I could just never imagine sitting there seething when I got my lunch in time because someone was a bit late. Isn’t life too short to be that annoyed at your siblings?

It's all very well saying "carry on without her" but presumably you wouldn't have made those plans if you weren't expecting to do it with your sister. Like taking the kids to have hot chocolate with their cousins is different to just your kids sitting and drinking hot chocolate.

I'd stop making plans with her tbh, I know that's easier said than done, but I cba wasting my time and money on it.

"Shall we all meet up for brunch on Sunday?"
"Sorry, no, last time you were 2 hours late and I have better things to do than go and eat brunch on my own."

Either that, or leave if she's not there after 15 minutes (and don't text to tell her or answer your phone when she gets there are finds no-one there) or only agree to meet her somewhere you were already planning on being where her lack of presence won't make a big difference.

I don’t think this is disorganisation otherwise she would acknowledge that she’s inconvenienced you and be apologetic. I think it’s that you aren’t a priority and she isn’t bothered about your feelings (I’m sorry because that must be a sad thought for you). You have pulled her up on it which is all you can do aside from not inviting her anymore and telling her the reason if she asks. Does she invite you to things and is she on time for those?

That's absolutely not an excuse. I have ADHD and so do a lot of my friends and yes, we are bad at timekeeping, but when we are running late we keep in touch, and are genuinely sorry to have kept people waiting. This person is making no effort to be on time, leaving people (including children!) waiting for the best part of an hour and doesn't care at all about the inconvenience she's caused by being late. It sounds more like a power play than genuine difficulties timekeeping.

My sister is similar. Definitely has time blindness but she is also incapable of seeing how this might inconvenience others. An almost pathological inability to see things from another person's perspective.

Would I be friends with my sister if we were not related? No.

But as she is my sister and I want to maintain a relationship with her, I've just had to except her as she is.

I only make plans where there is some flexibility in the timings (not the cinema or theatre) and make sure I can do something fun while I inevitably wait for her.

You can't change your sister OP but you can change your expectations

She's rude. Stop inviting her places.