Am I being too harsh - timekeeping?

[Rumors1]

I have a sister who I am very close to. We are very different but generally get on well enough. She is a terrible timekeeper, always has been. I have mentioned to her on numerous occasions that I find poor timekeeping really rude, she tends to shrug it off and say its my problem.

Last weekend I asked if she wanted to come to brunch with me and mam. I said I needed to be home at 2.45pm so suggested we meet at 11.30am to give us a couple of hours to browse the shops and eat. She said she was dropping her DD to dance at 12.10 and would be over then. Its about 15-20 drive from the class so I was expecting her about 12.30.

Mam and I browsed the shops from 11.30 - 12.30 and I rang sister at 12.30 to say we were going in to the restaurant so to come straight in when she arrived. No answer on the phone. She rang me back at 12.45 to say there was a change of plan with her that morning and she was only leaving her house now to come over and told us to eat without her. She arrived at 1.20 just as we were finishing lunch.

As usual there was no apology only excuses. I said I didn't want to argue with her but in future would she please send a text when she is going to be late. I said she knew long before she phoned that she wouldn't be here on time and could have let us know then as we were waiting until 12.30 for her before eating.

She said no, she wouldn't send a text as there was no need, she was only 45 mins later, she didn't expect us to wait on her, we could just have gotten on with our day and didn't need her. She totally gaslit me over it.

A few months ago we arranged to meet up with our children and SIL and DN at 3pm to shop and get hot chocolate with the children (the place we were at closed at 5pm). I rang her at 3.45pm and she was in a different town. She said "oh just carry on, you don't need me there..". She arrived at 4.45pm, no apology and carried on like nothing had happened.

Anyway it seems now she isn't speaking to me after last weekend.

I do think she has ADHD, she is very disorganised. I try to give some leeway. I have a friend who is usually late but its always only 15 mins and she almost always texts and certainly always apologises so I don't mind.

AIBU or is she in the wrong?

Fuck her. I'd just stop making arrangements with her full stop.

I would just continue with my plans as discussed.
I wouldn't make her problem mine that's for sure.

I think you may be overreacting a tad. You know how she is but love her just the same. Lower your expectations and you won't be disappointed.

You can cope with this. Continue to include her in things, tell her the timing, if she isn't there carry on without her. It's not as if she's complaining about you not waiting for her. This is no reason to fall out with a sister, and there's really no need for a 'diagnosis'.

She may have adhd

Maybe she’s broke and can’t afford it but won’t say.

She’s rude and it sounds very annoying. I’d avoid plans in future!

Well she is me ,I usually charge in full of apology but I frustrate everyone but myself so I can't really comment 🙈

I spent years covering my DC poor time keeping and mental health issues with excuses. The change of plan suggests DD didn't go to Dance Class to me...

I live with an always late adhd partner and the gaslighting is normally due to shame and defensiveness.
If you have lived a life where you are always inadvertently doing something wrong, you have to find coping and survival mechanisms. Often a way to protect yourself from shame, disappointment, disapproval is to deflect or underplay it.
Try looking up conversations tips for people with adhd. I find open conversations where you take the blame and shame out if it can be most effective at finding a way through. Also the way through may well not be what you want, I.e. being on time or texting. It could be that you just get on with your day/plans, get over feeling frustrated, and your ds will join whenever she arrives.

I’m pretty sure I have ADHD (undiagnosed), with people I feel comfortable with I can often run late (only 5-10 mins), but always ring them, apologise profusely (even if I’m on time, but think I’ll be late) or text them doing the same.

Your sister is just rude and inconsiderate, don’t give her an excuse for it. The being late is one thing, but the disrespect and lack of apology is another. She sounds like an entitled, conceited person.

If you have to meet up with her tell her an hour earlier than you want her. Or, turn the tables, be an hour or two late to her house one time when she has invited you over.

Just read through most of these comments and to be honest we all have different opinions. I've never been not asked again due to my lateness ,severe adhd with ocd ,anxiety and ptsd does not go well .I was up at 6am for a appointment at 9am ,got there 9.10 but all good intentions of getting there on time ,I also have a adult son with a brain injury who is exactly the same as me and before anyone throws in learnt behaviour his brain injury left him with 2% of survival so I've been told its that ,double checking etc .I apologise to those who say bullshit etc but if anyone thinks I actually enjoy being late I don't it sends my anxiety up the wall.Maybe just be glad ypu have a sister and allow for what she does xx

Didnt realise there was loads of responses to my thread, only seeing them now.

Just to respond to a few comments - no she isnt broke, quite well off. She is a SAHM and had a full time housekeeper, so no issues with lack of time or money.

I have tried everything with her, talking to her about hating being kept waiting - she tells me no one else would be bothered by it (I think that is gaslighting), I used to tell her a time about 30 earlier but now she doesn't believe the time I say and she adds on 30 mins so is even later.

I tried not leaving the house until she rang me to say she was in the car, but then she would stop off at the shop and still be late.
Usually we meet with the children for a walk/hike so I cant crack on without her as we would have to double back when she arrives.

A couple of times we arranged to meet for lunch with the children before walk/playground, she would be late and my DC would be hungry so I would order food. We would be finished by the time she arrived and he DC wanted to eat so we would end up in the restaurant for hours while my DC were bored.

Anyway she still isnt speaking to me 10 days on. I rang her the following day and she didnt answer. I had a missed call from her the next day and when I called back she didnt answer. She texted to say she was ringing me for advice on a problem she had but sorted it. I rang her two more times and she didnt answer or return my calls. TBH thats it, she was happy to speak to me when she needed me to fix her problem but as soon as she didnt need my anymore, she is back to punishing me for daring to call her out on her rudeness.

Just work around her if she doesn't turn up her loss ,I do apologise its my middle name ! Don't make a issue might be what she's hoping for and the only one getting wound up is you ,just let it go and time woth your mum x

Lateness irritates me, more so if I have to call/text to why someone isn't where I expected them to be. There's nothing wrong with your request that she update you if she's going to be late - it's called being considerate knowing that you're waiting and your time is as valuable as hers.

In future, only make plans with her where her arrival time isn't important - do whatever you're doing and just assume she'll turn up eventually. She may change if her time-keeping means she misses out on something she'd have enjoyed, but whether she does or not is up to her. Her not responding to your calls makes me think the lateness is a control thing or her trying to make herself more significant to the day's events, which is another reason why you shouldn't let her lack of consideration get to you.

I've actually enjoyed reading all these comments as I know ppl think and say the same about me but it's over my head ,difference is I'm always full of apologies, I almost missed a flight last month but it will never change and I've had all the therapy going to no avail.i know it drives people crazy but you can't help what you are and ill change for no-one. I feel for you I really do but as I said before ,enjoy time with your mum,only wish I could ,live is too short to take on other people's issues x

and ill change for no-one.

Because you don't want to or you can't?

When you say it's over your head it implies that you don't make any effort to try and be on time. How do you manage to work?

@Rumors1 so she doesn't work and has a housekeeper. What does she do all day?

She won't apologise for her lateness and goes NC with someone who calls her out on it. She sounds very selfish and self entitled.

I have a family member like this. It is known family wide that when making arrangements, we tell this family member at least 30 minutes before (more if not local) the actual planned start time. Needs must.

Wasn't sure if that was a reply for Mr. I said rise above it as I'm the same ,if like me she doesn't like being late as my anxiety goes up the wall but it happens everytime .As for work I had 9 children worked all my life finding it so hard but my son got knocked down at age 10 2% chase of survival. He was a new born baby state when he came out of the coma and back in nappies, I had another boy with severe adhd , brain management disfunction and border personality disorder .and my youngest is autistic so I had to go on benefits for a while I lost a son and daughter aswell so 7 kids left at home it was hard no help but I did it ones a paramedic ones a manager in british gas the rest apart from one who is blind do hotel jobs .my son now does all the neighbours gardens and all his families and I dis it late all the time with severe adhd ,arthritis, needing a new knee ,extreme asthma and insomnia 2 hours if im lucky .I turned into a alcoholic but overcome that and been in recovery for a long time ,no drink passes my lips with alcohol. In it .I'm proud I have done it if im late im late, if I miss a meal it's my loss .unfortunately my daughter on the ambulance has the late trait and yes learnt behaviour,I just tell her we are going 30 mins early but then I'm late too .we shouldn't have to apologise for being who we are with issues

I'm a bit late to this thread (appropriately enough), but just wanted to add that I've a friend who claims to have ADHD (self-diagnosed) who is so awful with time that she tries to avoid committing to meeting times in advance and prefers to juggle things on the day. This means I can't organise the rest of my day until she gets in touch. I find this distracting and unsettling.

I think her logic is that she wants the meeting time to be agreed just as she is finally ready since that means she won't be late. There's a certain mad logic there, you must agree.

I have got wise to this and press her to agree meeting times in advance but it doesn't always work. What I have found effective is to give hard end times rather than hard start times, so that the duration of the meeting is on her eg I'll be there at 3pm, but I have to leave at 4pm, so if she wants a full hour with me she needs to organise that. I think her FOMO kicks in.

I usually need some external reason for my hard end time though, as she doesn't respect or believe it otherwise.

It has really tested our friendship at times, and has become a tense subject. It also makes me doubt myself, as I worry whether I am being uptight and unreasonable; or that I might lose her friendship if I set firm boundaries.

She teases me about being so exacting and inflexible but the fact is, she's the only friend I have to be this firm with. Everyone else seems to get that when two adults want to see each other, they agree a time and respect it.

I think she would prefer every meeting to be an all-day drop-in, so she can turn up whenever, but I have other commitments.