Am I being too harsh - timekeeping?

[Rumors1]

I have a sister who I am very close to. We are very different but generally get on well enough. She is a terrible timekeeper, always has been. I have mentioned to her on numerous occasions that I find poor timekeeping really rude, she tends to shrug it off and say its my problem.

Last weekend I asked if she wanted to come to brunch with me and mam. I said I needed to be home at 2.45pm so suggested we meet at 11.30am to give us a couple of hours to browse the shops and eat. She said she was dropping her DD to dance at 12.10 and would be over then. Its about 15-20 drive from the class so I was expecting her about 12.30.

Mam and I browsed the shops from 11.30 - 12.30 and I rang sister at 12.30 to say we were going in to the restaurant so to come straight in when she arrived. No answer on the phone. She rang me back at 12.45 to say there was a change of plan with her that morning and she was only leaving her house now to come over and told us to eat without her. She arrived at 1.20 just as we were finishing lunch.

As usual there was no apology only excuses. I said I didn't want to argue with her but in future would she please send a text when she is going to be late. I said she knew long before she phoned that she wouldn't be here on time and could have let us know then as we were waiting until 12.30 for her before eating.

She said no, she wouldn't send a text as there was no need, she was only 45 mins later, she didn't expect us to wait on her, we could just have gotten on with our day and didn't need her. She totally gaslit me over it.

A few months ago we arranged to meet up with our children and SIL and DN at 3pm to shop and get hot chocolate with the children (the place we were at closed at 5pm). I rang her at 3.45pm and she was in a different town. She said "oh just carry on, you don't need me there..". She arrived at 4.45pm, no apology and carried on like nothing had happened.

Anyway it seems now she isn't speaking to me after last weekend.

I do think she has ADHD, she is very disorganised. I try to give some leeway. I have a friend who is usually late but its always only 15 mins and she almost always texts and certainly always apologises so I don't mind.

AIBU or is she in the wrong?

That doesn't excuse the fact that she never apologises or even makes an effort to be on time.

How do people with time blindness ever catch trains or aeroplanes, get to work on time or get their DC to school on time?

No matter whether it is ADHD or not she is being a disrespectful arrogant cow. Don't make plans with her. She will soon be asking why you don't see her.

This.

Inconvenience her. Nothing teaches like pain. And she has to experience what you are to get any sort of understanding.

She's your sister. You know what she's like, so I don't know why you keep expecting her to be any different.

Create plans where she can join in, but that don't revolve around her, e.g. you plan to go out with your DM and if she manages to turn up at any point, she's welcome, but if not, you and your DM have a lovely day together.

If you love your sister, love her as she is. Don't make expectations where at least one of you is going to get upset.

My sister is always late. I carry on. Strangely she always turns up
as soon as you open a bottle of
wine .

I find that sort of behaviour really rude. I have a SIL who has form for similar behaviour. I've just given up bothering.

If it was a friend my opinion might be different but honestly I think you might need to try and let it to and love her as she is. She likely already feels like she's failing as it is and is probably harder on herself than you are even if it couldn't seem further away from that. Accept her for who she is and try to let it go otherwise it will just drive you mad and make. You unhappy x

And if the OPs sister loves the Op she could stop disrespecting her and stop treating her like she doesn't matter.

I have met come across people like this, even family, who think they are owed a permanent pass on their poor behaviour. I simply refused to engage and ceased making plans with them where they would have an opportunity to behave in this way.
They got upset, and I simply ignored them and left them to get over themselves.
Take a break from her.
She is extremely rude.

Bollocks that people can't understand how their being late affects others. I reckon they get the kids to school on time and get to work on time..

Can't speak for anyone else but my OH is self-employed, we don't have kids, and he usually gets the next train or books an uber or whatever. He would dash last minute for a plane and but not be that fussed if he didn't make it (so I absolutely put my foot down on that one and insist we go much earlier than needed).

The thing about time blindness is that all time is fluid to you and you don't really care about missing something as everything just becomes about when you can get to it and just shifts later. If you miss an appointment you rebook it, and if they don't let you anymore you just book somewhere else. If you miss the beginning of the theatre they still let you in 10 mins late, or you sit outside and go in in the interval. He's so optimistic he doesn't care because he was proud of getting there and at least he saw some of it. Eyeroll.

Normally with people who are regularly late I tell them an earlier time to meet so we show up at roughly the same time, but this seems a little more extreme than that.

So I agree with not arranging things with her, making plans that involve her, and as you mention just turning up to things like plans at her house when you know she's already there. Where unavoidable, I wouldn't leave my house until she'd confirmed she was at xyz place already. If she mentioned it was annoying I'd say exactly why I was doing it.

(If I was feeling particularly annoying I'd code up something so that she automatically received a text message every 5 mins asking her why she hadn't arrived yet, and do it every time until she learned or gave up completely, but that's probably just me 😂)

@greenpolarbear Most people will find your OH's timekeeping attitude very strange, including the clients he presumably he has to meet if he's self-employed. Either he is ready for them at the appointed time, in which case he can do it when it suits him, or he pisses an awful lot of them off.

she sounds like a pain, but i would continue to make plans, but just do whatever it was you were going to do, when and where you planned to do it. never wait for her to arrive before starting etc.

she is never going to change, so just ignore it all.

He doesn't meet clients, he runs an online company where people sign up to buy things and he mostly does tech stuff and replies to emails (staff do anything requiring organisation, which isn't much, and our accountant pesters him and files extensions until he gets things submitted).

Not much requires him to be on time for something. He can't even remember to be on time when he wants to be, he plays an online game that has a cut off time for collecting rewards every day, he has an alarm set so he doesn't miss it and still misses it a lot of the time 😂

@greenpolarbear You seem very blasé about it; I couldn't be. Was he always like this? Someone who didn't turn up to dates on time wouldn't get many with me, let alone stand a chance of becoming my OH.

I go through phases, sometimes it really pisses me off.

I think it was because his mum was very overbearing when he was a kid, always organising and herding him and his brothers around - he never learned to timekeep because she was always excessive about it, telling them when to leave, making "hurry hurry" remarks regardless of what the time was etc., so all concept of real time was lost and never had to be thought about. Whereas mine told me it was important to be on time for things and left me to it.

But generally I'm not a big "you have to be on time" for something person unless it is something vital to be on time for, like a dr's appointment or a plane or something. If it was just for a date I wouldn't be bothered (unless for a show or the cinema and it meant missing the beginning).

I know some countries are super fluid with time, I have a friend who lives on a timezone border (ish) in Australia and her nearest city's time is technically half an hour ahead of hers but she uses that one half of the year, although some of her neighbours use the "real" time. I couldn't go that far, I'd want to know what the time was!

Does she only do it when you're with other people? If I was left on my own waiting I'd be really annoyed but if I was with someone else I'd just crack on. It is annoying either way but just stop inviting her.

Don't invite her, anywhere anymore.
Don't involve her. At all.

She's cooked her goose.

even if she has adhd to say she wont even text is just rude is shhe always like this

Maybe give her a window of time that you will be available eg. 11.30 until 1.30. Don't pay any attention to her being late, just stick to your own plans. If she turns up at 1.20 and you have to leave 10minutes later that will be the consequences to her actions without you having to say anything directly to her. If she asks you to stay longer say "no, you are leaving at 1.30 as you originally said you would"
After a few times of doing this you may find she starts to get better with time keeping without you mentioning to her.

Just as an aside however... from somebody who works with neurodivergent people... it may not necessarily be that she can "be on time when she wants". It's more likely that she doesn't feel the need to mask around you and so is probably less stressed getting ready to meet you than getting ready to meet someone else. That's not to say that you shouldn't enforce those boundaries still, just wanted to give another perspective.

@Misthios read this again. Where does it say they agreed to meet at a restaurant at 12.30 please?

I said I needed to be home at 2.45pm so suggested we meet at 11.30am to give us a couple of hours to browse the shops and eat. She said she was dropping her DD to dance at 12.10 and would be over then. It's about 15-20 drive from the class so I was expecting her about 12.30.

Yes, I think she has ADHD, and no, that's not actually what gas lighting is. Seems like you are setting yourself up for this so you can play the martyr. Just carry on with your day, like she says. Why do you need to reprimand her. She does this all the time yet you decided to walk the streets until she was ready to join you? Why did you do that? Just go and eat your brunch.

Firstly
..yes she should say sorry. But...it sounds as if she has some underlying issue with self worth. You said more than once that she said "you don't need me". Maybe she is thinking you are inviting her out of obligation not genuine affection. Her self esteem could do with a perk up I feel. Doe she meet up with and friends? Is she ontime for them. Does she get her children to school on time?
It sounds as if she is a bit depressed, rather than shun and blame, seek to understand. Does she show any other signs of low self esteem? Any signs of withdrawal from people????

If she does have ADHA you will never win this battle op.

After reading your thread, I am going to make a bigger effort to be early.